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to just want people to butt OUT!

(20 Posts)
willothewisp17 Tue 24-Oct-17 21:57:16

with regards to my daughter! she was 10 weeks prem and came home with an oxygen requirement due to chronic lung disease and has reflux. so looking after her can be a little tricky to say the least. but it feels like everyone seems to know better about my baby! examples:

'you should be leaving her to sleep through the night at this stage now, I don't know why you are waking her to feed'
no I shouldn't, you would expect her to sleep through and then wake up in the morning and take a decent sized bottle, but she doesn't, I've tried, believe me!! her stomach is still small and doesn't have the capacity for large amounts of milk!

'you should be weaning her, a rusk in her bottle won't do her any harm'
hmmhmmhmmhmm she barely even three months corrected!! (from her due date, I've been advised to take all her milestones from her due date rather than birthday) she's still a baby for gods sake! no one understands that a spoonful of mashed carrot is nowhere near as calorific as formula!!

'you can't mollycoddle her forever, she needs to build an immunity to illnesses!'
yes, that's all well and good and I'm sure she will build an immunity in time, but not during rsv season and when she's still using home oxygen! what am I to do, take her out and let people sneeze on her??

'you shouldn't be nursing her to sleep, you are making a rod for your own back'
well, don't I bloody know it! she has to stay upright for at least 20 minutes after a feed, so can't be put down straight away and of course she is used to this! and I am obviously doing to want to nurse and cuddle my baby as much as possible when I spent weeks unable to hold her, looking at her through am incubator!

'I got her an advent calendar and chocolate buttons'
hmm no words.

apologies if this seems pointless and a bit ranty but I'm so fed up of other people's opinions!

what unwanted opinions have you all received regarding your children?

Bambamber Tue 24-Oct-17 22:03:15

'You shouldn't carry her in her baby carrier'
'You shouldn't tend to her every time she cries' (was 2 months old at the time)
'You shouldn't cuddle her to sleep
'She should be sleeping through by now'
'She should be on bottles by now'
'She should be on solids by now'

And the best one

'No such thing as a milk allergy, Just keep giving it to her until she's used to It'

Honestly it never ends unless you bluntly tell people their opinion isn't wanted or needed. My response to people now is pretty standard:

'If I wanted your advice I would ask for it'

OlennasWimple Tue 24-Oct-17 22:06:59

Those sound familiar, willo. flowers

Perfect your smile and "uhuh" routine. Followed up with "I'm happy with how I'm doing it, thanks". Followed by a hard stare if necessary

iammargesimpson Tue 24-Oct-17 22:07:36

'youll have him ruined letting him sleep on you" said by my delightful sil about my week old ds

WhatwouldAryado Tue 24-Oct-17 22:09:21

Every unwanted opinion (even contradictory from some individuals) can and does come your way. flowers.
My choice of feeding my children. That's a big one I bf them until they stop(ped) of their own volition. Eldest one year. Etc etc. For each child I have been told it's too long and too short and. My favourite was that I was lying. Children will not refuse the breast at 1 year old. My youngest is 19 months and shows no sign of stopping yet. This is of course massively detrimental AND I have been told that I must be overly forceful to get him to still feed. 9confused
The other popular conversation is how fair my son is. I am a very dark red (But mainly grey) my husband has dark brown hair. We both have brown eyes. So many people "just want say" that it's unusual or odd and not genetically possible. I've taken to either saying "what are you implying" or saying I had an affair grin.

WishingOnABar Tue 24-Oct-17 22:10:48

Haha yes my favourite was “they wouldnt have released him from hospital if he wasnt like a ‘normal’ baby”. This was because I didnt want to take him out and about or have every man and his second wife’s cousin’s sister visit. DS was born at 32 weeks, after SCBU release still had a problem with bloods that required regular monitoring still and left him at higher risk of infections and also had an inguinal hernia in need of surgery. I think I lost count of all the people who told me to stop being so overprotective.
Ignore all and carry on as necessary, you know your baby best x

OMGtwins Tue 24-Oct-17 22:12:16

Ignore them, all "advice" from people with term babies is best ignored and the guidance from consultants followed with 10 weeks prem until they're 2 years old at least (or when they are formally discharged from consultant care).

I speak from experience having had 10 week prem twins. Our consultants told us not to take ours to air conditioned places or crowded ones at all over their first winter when they came home after 12 weeks in NICU. Lots of people thought that was a bit mad/overprotective but they weren't the ones with very vulnerable and very small (4lbs at 3 months actual) babies. We insisted on no one near them with even a sniffle and everyone having freshly washed hands before any contact too and I have no regrets about doing that at all even tho it was a bit unusual.

Our friends and family did exactly what we asked with no complaint, and my mum offered advice but always with the caveat of she didnt know if it applied to ours seeing as they were prem. I'd sooner offend someone who doesn't get it than risk my kids being back in NICU...

Hugs xx

willothewisp17 Tue 24-Oct-17 22:14:20

Wishingonabar this!! I've not even allowed certain family members meet my baby yet, let alone a bunch of random strangers from MILs weight watchers group! not even joking, she would take her to a weight watchers meeting if allowed!

willothewisp17 Tue 24-Oct-17 22:17:00

OMGtwins I've also been advised to keep my daughter away from crowded places ect, but apparently this is 'ridiculous'! no, my baby being hospitalised because of an easily prevented illness is ridiculous!

Jenala Tue 24-Oct-17 22:17:10

God I still cuddle and breastfeed my son to sleep and we're no where near weaning - and he is 4 months old and born full term! People can be such utter wankers. Fuck them all, you're doing what's best for your child. Can't imagine what it must be like to have a prem baby, flowers for all of you

I totally don't cuddle my 2 year old to sleep too

Ploppie4 Tue 24-Oct-17 22:18:13

I can tell from what you’ve posted that these people are a generation or two older then you. There’s nothing up to date about any of their recommendations

WishingOnABar Tue 24-Oct-17 22:19:38

Also if you had similar experience, ds had been on a ward and I felt (while obviously an amazing job was done by all staff) that we were surrounded by strangers all being involved in his care, I needed time at home to just bond because there had been zero privacy and he had been in incubators etc. Have to echo OMGTwins that I made everyone who I did allow to visit wash their hands and use hand gel. Got a lot of 🙄 faces

willothewisp17 Tue 24-Oct-17 22:22:10

WishingOnABar I get those faces all the time! especially when I point out that just using the hand gel isn't enough, I'd like them to actually wash their hands! they did every time they came to visit in the hospital, what makes my home any different?!

hiddley Tue 24-Oct-17 22:25:26

I had a full term ds and Oh my God.

He's too hot. He's cold. Why are you still breastfeeding? (5 weeks old). Give him a bottle. Have you seriously got dirty nappies all over the floor? (yes I had, question asked by my sister, a doctor with no kids). You need to let him cry. Pick him up. No leave him to cry. He needs to air his lungs. You won't even let him cry. Sleep while he's sleeping. hmm You really need to shower. You could clean up this place. You need to get out. Give him a soother. Don't whatever you do give him a soother. He's hungry. No, you need to stretch the feeds out longer.

I was put on anti-psychotics at about three months post-partum as all I was hearing was these voices going around in my head every time I tried to make a decision. The worst culprits were my mother, my aunt, my father's partner and said partner's daughter and my own sister ( a doctor).

I was afraid to go to the toilet in case I was doing something wrong.

OP. Be like the honeybadger - honeybadger don't give a shit! Just trust that you know your child better than any other know-it-all. Try to filter it all out.

hiddley Tue 24-Oct-17 22:27:46

They probably used the hand-gel to protect themselves at the hospital rather than to protect your baby.

hiddley Tue 24-Oct-17 22:30:26

Here is the honeybadger.

Willow2017 Tue 24-Oct-17 22:34:30

Just say...
"When i want your opinion i will give you it" and see the the puzzled look then the dawning realisation 😉

hiddley Tue 24-Oct-17 22:35:39

Did ONE of them pick up the dirty nappies or offer to help? No. They just came to admire the baby. And traumatise me.

I am now like the honeybadger. I just don't give a shit.

MammaTJ Tue 24-Oct-17 22:36:05

You clearly know what you are doing and are doing your best for her. Just smile and nod, then carry on. Enjoy the chocolate buttons yourself.

stealtheatingtunnocks Tue 24-Oct-17 22:37:09

I had a bit of satisfaction when I said
"yes, but, the thing is, when your family were little, babies like DS just died. So, if you don't mind, I'm just going to do what the hospital says"

That shut her flapping trap up for a nano second.

Mind, then I got "well, I can see my opinion's not wanted..."

That's right, love.

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