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AIBU - Time off for DH's grandmas funeral

(110 Posts)
owltrousers Tue 24-Oct-17 11:54:48

My DH's grandma died last week, she was 90 odd and had been unwell for a long time so its not a massive shock but he is obviously upset.

The date for the funeral is Mon 6th Nov at 12pm midday so straight away I emailed my bosses (I work in a small therapy clinic as a secretary for 2 people) and asked if I am able to take the day as holiday (my holiday renews 1st October every year) I sent my email on Fri 20th October so 2 and a bit weeks notice, short yes but not ridiculously so.

I checked to see if that Monday would be busy - so far no one booked in and only 1 practitioner in anyway (I'm the receptionist) so thats not looking problematic.

I just received a response from my boss via email - ''I'm not happy about this" thats it! I'm not sure what to think... I'm 28wks pregnant and they seem to have had a problem with me since I announced I'd be taking maternity leave even though I've only missed 1 day through sickness throughout my pregnancy and I've arranged all my scans/midwife appointments on non work days to help them out.

I'm furious tbh.

KittyWindbag Tue 24-Oct-17 11:56:39

They’re being totally unreasonable. How extremely rude and unkind. The news of a death close to any employee should be handled with respect and sensitivity. This person is a fucker.

RedSkyAtNight Tue 24-Oct-17 11:58:49

Did you tell him it was to attend a funeral?
What is he not happy about (is it, for example, as case of he feels you can take a couple of hours to attend the funeral but don't need all day).

DrunkUnicorn Tue 24-Oct-17 12:00:32

How rude. Reply saying 'Neither am I. I quite liked her.'

flowers to you and your husband...

owltrousers Tue 24-Oct-17 12:02:09

Yes, I specified it was for DH's grandmas funeral and I'd like to go to support him.

Thats literally all he said. I've asked for the whole day because I live a good 45 mins from work so by the time I got in for 9am I'd have to leave to be at the funeral an hour later anyway and there is a wake afterwards and you can never put a time on these things.

Gatehouse77 Tue 24-Oct-17 12:04:07

I would take advantage Ogaden ambiguity and say something along the lines of..

"Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it's short notice and am sorry your not happy but I,m sure you understand that a funeral is beyond my control. See you (whenever)."

Gatehouse77 Tue 24-Oct-17 12:05:11

Of her not Ogaden???

CountryGirl1985 Tue 24-Oct-17 12:06:10

firstly, sorry for your and DH's loss. Secondly, sorry your boss is being a bit of a numpty about this! Did you say in the email that you needed to take the day off to attend the funeral or just ask for a day off? If you just asked for a day off I would email back and say, "sorry, I should have been clearer, I would like to request the day off to attend the funeral and also support my husband, I'm sure you can appreciate it's a difficult time for us. Funeral is midday so I won't be in at all." If you did say it was for a funeral the sarcastic me would be inclined to say, "No, we're not ecstatic that Gran has passed away either. Shall I assume from your sympathetic response that you are granting annual leave rather than bereavement leave?"

allthgoodusernamesaretaken Tue 24-Oct-17 12:08:19

I wonder, did your boss "reply to all" by mistake?

Brittbugs80 Tue 24-Oct-17 12:08:52

This attitude pisses me right off.

My Dad passed away two years ago. I was with him the night he died so had the next day off work. I didn't go in until the following Weds (after attempting to register the death and get his Will from the Solicitors) I got a verbal warning as I was only permitted to have the day off after he died. I kept them informed when I would be returning. Employer told me that my absence had inconvenienced the rest of the nursery and wasn't needed as I couldn't change the situation.

I then booked two days off for the funeral and day after. She refused it me and said I could only have the morning of the funeral off.

She said I had too much time off following his death (I worked full time and was his part carer. I did the nights while my Stepmums did the days and worked a couple of evenings) and this meant I couldn't take a full day for the funeral.

Yet she gave her daughter fully paid time off when her Grandad died and her daughter had 4 weeks off.

I'd ask your boss why he isn't happy and reiterate that you're not happy either about the death.

I find some people think anything other than parents Isn't reason enough to need time off.

Thinking of you and your DH. Hope you are both ok x

InspMorse Tue 24-Oct-17 12:09:07

"Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it's short notice and am sorry your not happy but I,m sure you understand that a funeral is beyond my control. See you (whenever)."
ThisBut leave out the short notice bit. You are giving them plenty of notice.
How rude.

Knusper Tue 24-Oct-17 12:25:16

I'd avoid the word 'sorry' TBH
'Thank you for your reply. I realise that you are not happy. But am sure you understand that a family funeral is beyond my control. See you (whenever).'

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou Tue 24-Oct-17 12:30:57

It's a poor attitude but totally within employment law.

My grandad died at the end of March, at the time I worked where no leave was allowed during March or April (financial services). I asked for a day off for the funeral scheduled for mid April and was told no. Didnt qualify for compassionate leave as that was only for parent, child or sibling.

As I was the only one of us working at the time I couldn't risk losing my job so I missed his funeral.

It doesn't sound like they are actually REFUSING your request for leave though....

HotelEuphoria Tue 24-Oct-17 12:32:24

They do realise that when you go on maternity leave you will want longer than a day off yes?

MimiSunshine Tue 24-Oct-17 12:32:48

He’s a twat.

I would reply “I uunderstand a full day off could be problematic, unfortunately the location and time of the funeral are out my control.
Thankfully the diary is looking quite quiet on that day so disruption should be minimal.

Kind regards”

And leave it at that, he will then have to outright tell you no but I’d assume it’s authorised

allthgoodusernamesaretaken Tue 24-Oct-17 12:33:50

Why don't employers realise how much loyalty they can keep / lose with this attitude? When my grandmother was seriously ill,, my boss' approach was "Go, go now, take as much time as you need, we'll cover for you". It was so kind and caring

KittyWindbag Tue 24-Oct-17 13:34:31

A good employer/ human being uses their discretion in these cases.

Myheartbelongsto Tue 24-Oct-17 13:59:26

That's absolutely appalling op!

My father died suddenly on a Sunday afternoon and I left a voicemail on my managers mobile. Explained that my dad had a heart attack and I would try and ring him again later. I had a flight to organise so wasn't wasting a second.

I left for the airport with the clothes on my back, my bank card and passport.. My boss rang me at two in the morning and I told him my father had since died. He was so kind to me, I'll never forget him for that. I had a week off work minimum, a lovely bouquet of flowers sent to my father's house and when I got back to work he sat me down and told me that if at any time I felt the need to leave, to just leave and go home.

Your boss is an actual cun$ if you don't get the day off. Hope your OK op x

callmeadoctor Tue 24-Oct-17 14:03:32

To be fair though on your employer, it is not your Grandmother. Understandable for a small business to find it difficult to cover your day off. Why not just ask for the funeral time and leave your DH to stay for the wake? Alternatively join him at the wake later on (generally Wakes go on for HOURS!!)

callmeadoctor Tue 24-Oct-17 14:06:38

If it was your own Grandmother they would probably be more sympathetic I guess.

BenLui Tue 24-Oct-17 14:11:34

“I’m not happy about this” is a really unhelpful response.

You need a yes or a no.

Your leave is part of your salary, so if you have sufficient remaining leave and you have given reasonable notice (more than two weeks is pretty reasonable for a funeral) whether the boss is “happy” or not is irrelevant.

I’m politely reply asking for clarification of whether the leave is approved.

I suspect it is approved and they just want you to be grovellingly grateful (for leave you are entitled to!)

Hold your tongue and don’t be difficult but don’t be made to feel guilty about it either.

Marylou2 Tue 24-Oct-17 14:18:23

That's just terrible OP. Do you work in the public sector? I always thought they were more understanding.

BlueSapp Tue 24-Oct-17 14:19:49

Two and a half weeks for 1 day is way more notice than I would give, If they are that rude i d definately be looking for some where where your more than "just a receptionist" really horrible people!

Brittbugs80 I hope you told her where her job could go, what a bitch.


musicform Tue 24-Oct-17 14:28:27

How awful - I agree with others that a little leeway can go a long way. My DH mother (before we were married) was dying and he called me from hospital. He didn't want me there (told me I should keep on working - nicely - I think he was struggling to process) and so I walked around the office like a zombie. I burst into tears when someone asked me a question and was duly ushered out of the door to the hospital (when they understood why) and told not to worry when my mum phoned the next day saying I had been up all night when the plug was pulled and was exhausted.

YetAnotherSpartacus Tue 24-Oct-17 14:28:47

Brittbugs and OP I have had similar. Your bosses are cunts.

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