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Fallen out with MIL so thinking I might be UR

(146 Posts)
PretendTeaPot Tue 24-Oct-17 11:13:45

Had a big falling out with my MIL and wonder if I need some perspective.

DD is 2.4, but developmentally closer to 15/16 months, she's speech delayed, has hearing problems, eye sight problems, is asthmatic and has hip problems. She has at least 1 appointment a fortnight for something or other.

DH is flakey at best, a lazy sod at worst. He forgets everything including his own head if it isn't screwed on from what time his shift starts at work to picking DD up from Nursery, and everything in between. He's so unorganized that he never leaves time to have a shower when getting ready for work and is often late anyway, I'm constantly surprised he hasn't been sacked - he must be a good worker in other areas that they can overlook his consistent lateness.

I also work 3 days a week, manage to get myself and DD ready in plenty of time in the mornings, get DD to Nursery in time for breakfast there and get to work usually with 5 minutes or so to spare so I can make myself a cup of tea and start the day relaxed - I've been late once when there was a big accident on the main A road through my town but the two other women who live in my town were also late due to that so no-one got into trouble.

I had got into the habit of reminding, cajoling and even waking DH up to get him to where he needed to be on time. As well as getting myself and DD ready, getting DD to her appointments,shopping for and feeding us all, getting the cat fed, litter changed etc reminding DH to do the two housework jobs he has to do (clean the bathroom once a week (not the toilet as I do that everyday, just the bath and sink) and mop the kitchen floor once a week), reminding him to text his family to see DD. It was like having a teenager and a toddler at the same time.

In June I went to the doctors as I've not been feeling well; my blood pressure is through the roof, my heartrate is consistently high, and I've been suffering with headaches. The doctor has sent me for further testing but is 90% sure I'm doing too much and need to slow down.

So I stopped, stop reminding DH to do anything, told him I'm ask him once a week to text his mum to ask if she wants DD, and if he forgets or doesn't do it and she doesn't ask him then she won't see DD. I stopped getting him up, stopped doing things for him, and would just leave his meal in the microwave to heat up later if he wanted it, of course I still remind about housework as that affects us all. And I actually feel better since doing it.

And MILs shouted at me on Sunday as she hasn't seen DD since before my doctors appointment in June as DH says he'll text her later and forgets. He's been late for work 2-3 times a week since I stopped, and has not attended a single appointment of DDs as I give him the letters but don't remind him anymore so he can rearrange he schedule so he can attend.

MIL says that being married is like this and I need to do more for DH, she says I should of realised that men never grow up. She said it's my job not hers or DHs to make sure DD sees both sets of grandparents -- she sees my mum a few times a month as my mum will contact me and offer to have DD for a couple of hours for me. I also speak to my mum at least once a week--. I also need to remember that DH works and his home life should be as stress free as possible. Apparently if I can't manage everything I should quit work (I work to cover nursery fees plus a tiny bit of spending money that's it - I also work for my own sanity as a life spent ferrying a child back and forth to hospital is boring, time consuming and means I don't have many friends plus her hip condition means we have to be careful what groups I take her too as if she hurts herself she can end up at A+E) and keep DD at home with me.

I'm just wondering whether IABU? And I do need to start doing things for DH again?

user1471451564 Tue 24-Oct-17 11:15:36

In a word. NO!

Grimmfebruary Tue 24-Oct-17 11:16:24

Your DH and MIL are unreasonable. How you haven't cracked yet is a miracle. Cheeky cow, if he wanted a mkther he should have stayed with her, you're his wife not his carer.

Pidlan Tue 24-Oct-17 11:16:35

Your MIL is the least of your problems.

sonjadog Tue 24-Oct-17 11:16:59

No, you don't. He's an adult and can behave like one. But now you know why he has grown up to be the man he is...

user1471451564 Tue 24-Oct-17 11:18:17

You have more than enough on your plate than dealing with this lazy manchild as well. Why on earth can't his mother phone you if she would like to see her grandchild? You sound like you are doing an amazing job. What on earth do you get from the 'relationship' with such a feckless, lazy, again i say it, manchild? You deserve better. flowers

Jaynesworld Tue 24-Oct-17 11:18:19

You are not being unreasonable. Doing what you were doing was making you ill.

SilverSpot Tue 24-Oct-17 11:18:26

No

MiL and FiL raised a useless man child... it isn't your job to mother him.

PandorasXbox Tue 24-Oct-17 11:18:33

You’d be better off without the lame excuse of a husband imo.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 24-Oct-17 11:19:05

Woah. Well, I think we can all work out why DH seems to be incapable or taking any responsibility for himself... she has totally babied him! No. You are NOT being unreasonable at all. Living with that man-child would drive me up the wall, you have a lot more patience than me. Stick to your guns or you'll be chasing around after him for ever.

And as for your MIL, why doesn't she just text you if she wants to see your DD? Don't really understand why the onus has to be on you to get in touch with her....?

Butterymuffin Tue 24-Oct-17 11:19:05

What bollocks. And what a shit job she's done of raising her son if now he's an adult, he can't function like one. Tell her AND HIM that you have one child to look after, everyone else is a grown up and can fend for themselves.

Plus last time I checked, phones are two way communication devices - why doesn't she ring him?

Santawontbelong Tue 24-Oct-17 11:20:10

Ywbvu not to have lamped her one. .
You should have told her if her ds wasn't such a man - child you would all have a better life!!
Continue to allow your dh to grow up. . You are not his dm.

TwattyCatty Tue 24-Oct-17 11:20:18

I'd ditch the lot of them. Wouldn't it be easier to just do it alone?

Danceswithwarthogs Tue 24-Oct-17 11:21:22

No, yanbu
You are not the only adult in this family.... but sounds more like you'very become a single parent with two kids. Wonder if secretly MIL knows she could have done a better job and raised dh to be a fully functioning adult?

52FestiveRoad Tue 24-Oct-17 11:21:48

YANBU. Your MIL needs to butt right out. She is interfering to protect the son she raised to be useless. And if it is the woman's job to ensure contact between family members, why can't she be proactive herself and text her son? I would keep doing what you are doing, and make sure your DH is aware of how his mother spoke to you and why.

Harveypuss Tue 24-Oct-17 11:22:06

What user said - No!

If MIL wants to see DD, why can't she make the arrangements herself? Stop pandering after them both.

Carry on as you are. The less stress the better. Tell MIL to mind her own business!

Nocabbageinmyeye Tue 24-Oct-17 11:23:08

He didn't lick it off a stone obviously, the first thing you need to do it stop even giving him the one reminder to text his mother. He'll be stress free soon enough anyway because he'll be unemployed. They both need a dose of cop on

Justanothernameonthepage Tue 24-Oct-17 11:24:55

No. Although I hope he is wonderful in some other ways as he'd have driven me nuts by now

honeyroar Tue 24-Oct-17 11:24:57

Grr I'd fall out with her too. You should have said "Why are you shouting at me? The only thing I did wrong was marry someone useless, and that's partially down to you!"

PretendTeaPot Tue 24-Oct-17 11:25:21

MIL does everything for FIL, as her mum does everything for her dad, which is why she's like this and how "D"H (the D being sarcastic of course) was brought up

Shoxfordian Tue 24-Oct-17 11:25:34

Your MiL is wrong and should be reminded its 2017 not the 1950s

ohfourfoxache Tue 24-Oct-17 11:26:03

Like fuck should you go back to reminding him. Sounds like her failure to raise a responsible person has caused no end of problems.

Bluntness100 Tue 24-Oct-17 11:26:57

Wow, that’s actually quite shocking. Your mother in law is a very strange woman and your husband is a lazy thoughtless idiot, which she raised him to be.

Hold your ground, tell him to step the hell up. Tell her to do the same, you’re not thr family slave.

PretendTeaPot Tue 24-Oct-17 11:27:06

I stay because it's easier than adding to my workload to find a house, sort out bills etc. as I know my husband won't go. He wasn't actually like this until we got married strangely enough.

SelmaAndJubjub Tue 24-Oct-17 11:29:11

To use a favourite MN phrase: you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

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