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Just because I've said I need something doesn't mean I want you to buy it for me.

(30 Posts)
sayyouwill Tue 24-Oct-17 07:50:40

So not a bad problem to have but I have very well meaning parents and inlaws. Every time we are chatting about anything and I mention we need something, they both go out and buy it, and lots of it. I casually mentioned that I hadn't bought my DS a snowsuit yet and suddenly, I have three snowsuits, 2 padded coats, about 10 pairs of mittens, some wellies, 4 pairs of thick boots and a new blanket. I love the fact that they are so involved but after nearly a year it's taking some of the fun out of doing it myself (I know, that's ridiculous of me) but also, I don't have room for all this stuff! It happens with everything! I have two highchairs as well as a travel one, I had two pushchairs, I had ordered him a personalised reusable advent calendar, which was quite expensive, but DM and MiL both bought him fabric ones anyway.
I'm partially annoyed that they're getting too carried away with buying stuff, then I feel guilty because I know how lucky we are, then in worried about him being spoiled!
I know IABU but I feel like I'm gunna end up on an episode of hoarders soon with all this gear!

FourEyesGood Tue 24-Oct-17 07:52:03

Stop talking about things you need / intend to buy.

Doobigetta Tue 24-Oct-17 07:53:57

I think you might be my sister in law grin

sayyouwill Tue 24-Oct-17 07:56:19

Well it usually goes like this:
DM/MIL: what are you up to this weekend
Me: taking DS to get a new <insert item here>/going Christmas/birthday shopping

Next thing I know, it's there! X2

FluffyWhiteTowels Tue 24-Oct-17 07:57:12

Tell them he needs a pension or university fund! They can plough as much money into that as they want ... always best to start early as possible.

monkeysox Tue 24-Oct-17 07:58:13

Yabu. You're very lucky.

FluffyWhiteTowels Tue 24-Oct-17 07:58:29

Easy then .... what are you doing this weekend ..... researching investment funds for your grandchild's future

lalliella Tue 24-Oct-17 07:59:37

Fluffy genius!

sayyouwill Tue 24-Oct-17 08:01:09

@FluffyWhiteTowels I think you're now my hero if that works!!

Thegirlinthefireplace Tue 24-Oct-17 08:01:14

I can see why you feel a bit irritated but it's a bit "my diamond shoes are too tight". I wish I had family or in laws that gave a shit.

ContraryToPopularBelief Tue 24-Oct-17 08:03:03

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Of course it's nice that the GPs are so involved but having all that extra 'stuff' around the house would drive me mental.

I think it's worth having a chat now. As a PP said they can plough money into an account for DC or you can 'allocate' certain items to each set e.g. ILs buy snowsuit, your parents buy snow boots and wellies.

Good luck. It's not an easy one to navigate.

Sparkletastic Tue 24-Oct-17 08:03:15

Start saying ‘thank you but he already has one. Would you like to return it or shall I donate it to charity?’ They clearly mean well but are getting carried away. Do they compete with one-another a bit?

sayyouwill Tue 24-Oct-17 08:04:32

@Thegirlinthefireplace I know blush it's such a non problem to have. I know how lucky we are and I appreciate the help so much... but it's getting too much. I live in a small flat, I don't have room for all this stuff! I've tried suggesting they keep stuff at theirs but they then get offended and think I don't like it, I can't sell it because they like to see their stuff being used/worn when they visit.

sayyouwill Tue 24-Oct-17 08:07:17

@Sparkletastic yes. Although neither would ever admit it. My parents buy something for their house (they each have their own stash as well as what we have) and the inlaws buy the same/better, and vice versa. DS is the only grandchild on both sides

Thegirlinthefireplace Tue 24-Oct-17 08:09:10

I didn't mean my comment to sound like a dig, just because others wish they could have your problem, doesn't mean it isn't a problem to you.

RoryItsSnowing Tue 24-Oct-17 08:09:41

I have the same situation with my PILs. The slightest mention of something we might want/need for either us or our little one and MIL buys it... and if it's clothes/toys it's always things that are the opposite of my taste and I'd never put kids in or use.
Drives me mad.

It's got to the point where we will now not mention anything in front of her just to stop it. And for Christmas/ birthdays we insist on certain very select presents otherwise we end up with a houseful of tat and everyone's money gets wasted.

PastaOfMuppets Tue 24-Oct-17 08:10:26

Jees, I reckon your ILs could come in handy. If you don't want them buying you stuff, don't tell them what you want to buy. My ILs still haven't even bothered to congratulate me on my pregnancy - they've known for about two months - we can swap

whiskyowl Tue 24-Oct-17 08:11:25

OK, well why not flip fluffy's suggestion - accept the gifts, use them, stop shopping yourself, and invest the money you would have spent for your childrens' future each time. Judging by the generosity of your family, it'll be a tidy sum by the time they are 18!

caroline161 Tue 24-Oct-17 08:11:39

Just stop telling them what you are getting.
"What are you doing this weekend?"
"Oh we are taking little ds to the park."

Visit shops instead for things you need.

LemonShark Tue 24-Oct-17 08:11:44

It's only gonna stop when you make it less pleasant for them to do it: at the moment their behaviour is reinforced as they buy it, you keep it, then they see DS use it. Seeing as you can't directly force them to stop buying it you're gonna have to remove the incentives of keeping it and letting them see DS use it. You don't have space. Your desire not to get given tonnes of things trumps their desire to keep buying it. They're not the ones dealing with it.

So, you tell you don't need it and ask if they want to return it or should you give it to charity. That removes their reward from this behaviour. You're never gonna stop it until you get tough and start sticking up for yourself. They'll soon stop when every purchase gets returned or donated.

sayyouwill Tue 24-Oct-17 08:12:15

@Thegirlinthefireplace oh no I hope my response didn't sound like I was biting. I just wanted to explain that I know it's a silly problem and I know there are those who would love this to be their current problem :/ basically I know IABU

CurbsideProphet Tue 24-Oct-17 08:12:57

I mean this in the nicest way, but you're an adult and a parent. If you don't want other people to keep buying stuff then saybso. It sounds like your parents and in laws have forgotten that you are the parent. I do sympathise, as when we moved house my mum and MIL were trying to unpack our clothes and organise the wardrobes. I didn't want them to, so I said "no thank you, they're my clothes I can put them away".

If you have too much stuff then pile up what you don't need and calmly tell them that you don't have the space.

JennyBlueWren Tue 24-Oct-17 08:17:22

Maybe try to speak to them about it and give them specific things each to buy? "It's lovely that you always buy us stuff but so does (DP/IL) and isn't it funny that we end up with double of everything!" Keep it lighthearted as you don't want them to be offended.

Especially if one of them will take on the cost of shoes (have you reached that yet?) as they are extortionate!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 24-Oct-17 08:27:22

It's lovely to have doting grandparents, but YANBU to be getting frustrated - it's rather "disenfranchising" to your status as an adult parent! You're not getting to do the job you'd quite like to do yourself, they're taking over and doing it for you - which is generous but also a bit sort of patronising?

You need to take the bull by the horns and in the kindest and most diplomatic way possible suggest that they put their money into something more practical for later - a savings account, bond, trust account, something like that. Much better idea, and then Junior can use it to buy their first car, or reduce their University loan load.

Peeetle Tue 24-Oct-17 08:27:22

Nobody wants to invest for the kid - it’s no fun compared with shopping for pointless crap ime

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