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To want contact to be 1 day a week?

(16 Posts)
Locotion Mon 23-Oct-17 22:53:09

Does anyone do this?

I have been trying every other weekend for a year but its not working. I miss kids too much and they miss me - they cry not to go. They are 8 and 6. The DD8 finds it harder. The kids want to do one weekend day a week (he has moved an hr away by the way). They want to do sleeping over occassionally.

He moved in with another woman a couple of months after we split and the pair are now having a baby together a year after he moved out.

Hw does work some weekends but I havr said I would be happy to be flexible.

He is not budging at all. Would the courts make me do every other fortnight?

stella23 Mon 23-Oct-17 23:04:06

I miss kids too much and they miss me - they cry not to go.

He must miss then as well for he 10 or so days he doesn't see them. Are you positive about them going to see him? Why don't they enjoy it?

Ebony69 Mon 23-Oct-17 23:08:58

Sounds as if your children might be picking up on how much you miss them, leaving them feeling bad about leaving you.

Locotion Mon 23-Oct-17 23:23:01

I dont Think theyre upset because of me but its quite difficult to unpick isnt it?

If they were happy I wouldnt mind. I genuinely mean that.

He used to be the breadwinner and I was closer to them as I was SAHM for a fair whle so may explain why they were closer to me. He was also "out" alot so it was mostly me and the kids.

Locotion Mon 23-Oct-17 23:24:26

Im sure he misses them for ten days and vice versa, but my suggestion means they would see each orher more frequently?
Is a weekly contact very uncommon?

Nandoshoes Mon 23-Oct-17 23:26:17

Does he pick them up and drop them off. That alone would be enough to pee me off !!

Me and my half sister used to both cry to our mums about going to my dads. I hated it he was horrible. Wish I didn't have to go.

It wasn't because I missed my mom as she was there to.
I just hated my dad it was horrible she hated him to.

HouseworkIsAPain Mon 23-Oct-17 23:34:18

My DC see their dad twice a week. He collects from after-school childcare on Wednesday and drops to school Thursday. Then he has them either Friday night/all day Saturday (back to me for bedtime) or Saturday afternoon through to Sunday bedtime.

This pattern works for us as neither of us want to go more than 3/4 days without seeing DC.

I think a weekly pattern would work well for DC as they have more regular contact. But it won't work for your ex if he is wanting to have lazy weekends / weekends away with his new DP.

Llandeilo42 Mon 23-Oct-17 23:49:46

The Courts would order contact that they considered to be ‘in the best interests of the children’ . Typically that is seen as being over night every other weekend from Friday until Sunday evening plus a tea time visit one evening each week if feasible. Plus a good chunk of school holidays including at least a week in the summer holidays.

If he does make an application to the court you would almost certainly spend some time With a CAFCASS officer. When speaking to them it’s really important that you focus on the needs of the children and their right to a relationship with their father (and how that relationship can best be supported - and why you feel once a week is more appropriate for the children than a longer fortnightly visit) rather than the fact you ‘miss them’. Rightly or wrongly / fairly or unfairly CAFCASS may well suggest that you are projecting this onto the children which is making them anxious.

Locotion Tue 24-Oct-17 00:01:52

Im pleased you found a plan that works for you Housework

Thanks for the advice Llandeilo.

I am not negative about their time there.

He has been dropping off but if it was weekly I would offer to do 30mins of rhe drive each.

Doesnt look like I have any hope of getting whats right for the kids. Im not making up whats good for them. I feel I know best as their main carer for so many years.

Intend to sign up for mediation asap.

HouseworkIsAPain Tue 24-Oct-17 00:22:41

Are they with him for two nights - is that what the issue is for them? If it is, Would a weekly single overnight be feasible? Eg one week he has them Friday night until Saturday teatime, then following week Saturday teatime to Sunday teatime.

A weekly visit just in the daytime may seem too little to keep a good relationship going and like they are visitors to his home.

It could also be that he doesn’t want to do 2 x two hours of driving close together esp if he has a baby. Could you offer to do one way if he moved to weekly visit?

headinhands Tue 24-Oct-17 06:50:55

I think with their new sibling coming you should keep it as it is. Otherwise it could make them feel less a part of the new family if they’re not doing the whole weekend.

Locotion Tue 24-Oct-17 07:43:30

I would be happy to meet them at a conveniwnt half way point each time. Generally he was doing the driving (as he moved).

Weekdays are v v rushed (I work FT) so on those weekends they are with him (2 nights) they are far from their established home and friends.

Also on a practical note I would like to sign them up for swimming lessons (not possible if theyre away EOW).

I feel like each contact session should be a unique arrangement rather than trying to fit into the EOW and 1night a week scedhule?

I mentioned theyre with their dad in half terms for a couple of days and DD8 turned away and refused to tall after bwing all chatty all morning. Why isnt what the kids want the most important thing?

Locotion Tue 24-Oct-17 07:44:08

Interesting point headinhands
I wonder what the impact will be.

ShowMePotatoSalad Tue 24-Oct-17 07:53:19

It's very possible they are picking up on you being upset and missing them. Children can feel very guilty when they have to leave one parent and go with another. They may be exactly the same when they're at their dad's ie not wanting to leave him.

Children can find transitions and leaving one parent upsetting. That does not mean they don't want to see the other parent.

It's not appropriate to arrange each contact time as a unique arrangement. Children do better when they have a routine rather than worrying where they will be and when.

Trying to suggest not seeing their dad is what the kids want is a little manipulative IMO. I'm sure they want to see their dad but the situation and circumstances are the difficult bit for them. It's both your responsibility to help them deal with the transition between your homes. At this age they are too young to fully understand the impact of not having regular contact with one of their parents. Surely you want your kids to see their dad for a full weekend on a regular basis, so they can enjoy a relationship with him? You only get one dad and you only get one mum. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

They are only away every other weekend and they're with their dad. Please try to keep this into perspective.

confusedlittleone Tue 24-Oct-17 07:53:34

Don't offer to drive. If he wants to see the children he can make the effort.

sweetbitter Tue 24-Oct-17 08:56:34

I think ShowMePotatoSalad makes a lot of good points.

It can be very difficult to distinguish between children genuinely not wanting to see the other parent because s/he treats them poorly, vs children getting upset at transition time and subconsciously trying to appease the other parent who they know doesn't like dad.

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