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To not invite my sister?

(34 Posts)
bluebellhills Mon 23-Oct-17 19:52:30

There’s a very long backstory but in a nutshell my sister and I have never gotten on. I can no longer bear her.
When my DD was born things got so
much worse and my sister along with my controlling parents were horrible to me. My DD also had life saving surgery at a couple of weeks old and they all made a stressful situation so much worse. Calling me, shouting down the phone at me because I didn’t want them to visit, I too had just been through surgery. Childish text messages from them. I can’t look at any of them the same, I just feel so bitter.

My sister met DD once and I decided I wouldn’t make any effort to see her after that.
Next month is my DDs first birthday and we’re doing a small gathering for our nearest and dearest. My parents are all about keeping up appearances and have told me that she HAS to be there otherwise the family will ask why. The family know we’ve never gotten on but for some reason my parents bullshit and won’t tell them that we actually don’t speak anymore.

I know that if I don’t give an invite to my sister I’ll get weeks of phone calls, “you’re making me ill with stress” comments, Dad pretending he’s short of breath on the phone and saying his chest hurts so that I usually give in because I can’t be arsed with the drama.
If I send the invite she won’t come anyway, it’s just a weird power thing on my parents part. But I absolutely do not want to even invite her, I want to celebrate my DDs first year properly, especially as things were so stressful at the start.
AIBU in not sending the bloody invite?

Santawontbelong Mon 23-Oct-17 19:54:06

Don't invite her and if your df fakes illness suggest he stay home also. .
Make a stand.
You are an adult and they can't bully you!!

AgathaRaisonDetra Mon 23-Oct-17 19:54:21

Just send the invitation.

Haffdonga Mon 23-Oct-17 19:56:29

Don't invite her. Or your parents.

bluebellhills Mon 23-Oct-17 19:57:31

That’s the issue, I don’t think she will come but what if she does?! The day will be ruined for me and DH.

Handsfull13 Mon 23-Oct-17 20:00:20

Don't invite her.
If your dad does his medical shit over the phone cut him off tell him to phone 999 or 111 if it's that bad and you won't be doing it just for their appearances

maggiecate Mon 23-Oct-17 20:05:03

This should be a joyful time for you and your little family. Focus on your wee one and your DH. The parents only have the power that you give them - they're bullying you and it needs to stop so tell them enough, your sister won't be there and if they aren't happy then you'll quite understand if they feel they can't be there either. If they're as toxic as they sound it's probably just as well that DDs exposure to them is minimal

Silverthorn Mon 23-Oct-17 20:10:35

Well you owe it your parents to fall in with all their wants and whims because they gave you life and spent a lot of time money and effort bringing you up. Not because they loved and wanted you or anything. hmm (sarcastic face)
Or you could realise you don't owe them your life and ditch them and your sister. They sound like such fun to be around. hmm

M00nUnit Mon 23-Oct-17 20:25:55

Of course you shouldn't invite her! If she turns up she'll ruin it and why should you have such a joyous occasion ruined just because your parents want to "keep up appearances"?
If any of the guests ask why she's not there you can just tell them you don't get on. It's nothing to be ashamed of - she's not nice and it sounds like you've done nothing wrong.
Hope the party goes well!

Ellendegeneres Mon 23-Oct-17 20:27:18

I had literally years of this shit.
I cut off a whole huge section of family. Best thing I ever did. What my sibling did to me was unforgivable, and as was my right to, you have this right too.

Some people don't deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us. They don't deserve our time. If your df wants to pull this shit I'd be telling him to not bother coming too, since you obviously bring out the medical issues in him. Pathetic attempt at emotional bullying.

user1493413286 Mon 23-Oct-17 20:30:57

Don’t invite her; it’s not fair on you and it’s not worth the risk of her attending. Stand firm with your parents.

DrunkUnicorn Mon 23-Oct-17 20:31:21

Don't invite your DSis. Must you invite your DParents btw?

PandorasXbox Mon 23-Oct-17 20:31:53

Nope I really wouldn’t invite her. Tbh I’m not sure your parents deserve an invite either. A first birthday is special, you’ve been through a lot and this should be a happy day.

Don’t let them ruin it.

JakeBallardswife Mon 23-Oct-17 20:34:32

There are lots of family situations that are not in our control, however this is one that you can own. I'd invite who you want and only who you want, so if your sister isn't on that list then she doesn't get an invite.

Your family, your control. It'll be difficult, but maybe its time to stand up to your parents too.

aaaaargghhhhelpme Mon 23-Oct-17 20:34:55

Don't invite her. And if your parents kick off tell them they're not welcome either.

This should be a happy time. Surround yourself with people who will be happy for you.

Hope you and your little one are well flowers

Northsouthmoggie87 Mon 23-Oct-17 20:39:52

Don't invite her Or your parents. Life isn't about keeping up appearances. my mum and her sister don't get on, haven't since they were in their teens. Their mum doesn't get it, but that's life. Your DD's birthday should be something you have fun at not for you to worry about your family bickering. Your parents aren't stressed or sick they are living in the dark ages.

Mrsmadevans Mon 23-Oct-17 20:52:22

I wouldn't invite her she sounds poisonous and your dps need to stop threatening and using emotional blackmail against you . Have a great birthday party with your little one my dear.

Hissy Mon 23-Oct-17 20:58:48

Make it an informal friends gathering and leave the whole family drama to one side

At the end of the day it’s your dd 1st Birthday, she won’t know what’s going on and it’s a thing more for parents than the birthday celebrant

sonjadog Mon 23-Oct-17 21:01:52

Don´t invite her. Put up the manipulation attempts, it´s only a few weeks. When they realize that they don´t work, they might stop doing them next time. If they complain about ill-health, tell them to go to the doctor.

highinthesky Mon 23-Oct-17 21:05:47

Issue your invite to your parents along with a warning: any attempts at emotional blackmail will mean it’s the last one.

They’re welcome to decline if they feel that strongly about it.

Maelstrop Mon 23-Oct-17 21:08:24

Don't invite her, why should you? And they can frankly sod off too. Trying to control you is ridiculous.

OnTheRise Mon 23-Oct-17 21:11:17

Don't invite her.

If your father does his heavy breathing tell him straight that you know what he's doing and it is ridiculous. And that if he ever is properly ill no one will believe him. And then hang up.

I can't stand manipulation like that.

emmyrose2000 Tue 24-Oct-17 04:52:53

Don't invite her, or your parents.

AnInchWasPinched Tue 24-Oct-17 05:30:44

What family would be invited if you didn’t invite parents and sister?
Can’t you just make the party for your friends, say you’re meeting with close family on the birthday or for a meal out —and then forget to organise it—

I left the country to avoid shit like this. I realise it’s quite a drastic step, but it is rather peaceful grin Parents can kid themselves that sister and I don’t speak because we’re in different countries, they’re close enough to run around after her every whim and bask in the sun shining out of her arse, and I’m far enough away that they can forget about me except when they want to broadcast to their friends what great grandparents they are because they’re off to visit the grandchildren —who they ignore when they get here—

I don’t organise family birthday parties (although we will meet IL’s for a meal) and we celebrate Christmas alone as just DH, me and DC. The first year I was on tenterhooks, waiting for the inevitable explosion but it was worth it. So much more peaceful and hassle free.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 24-Oct-17 06:11:47

My mother just wants my brother and me to get along. Blames me. He’s a violent bully, who’s threatened me and physically hurt me, says horrible things to me and about me. Denies my chronic illness and the fact it is a disability. My mother, sil and he talk about me behind my back. He’s never grown out of the sibling rivalry thing. Not that I ever wanted the rivalry. I’d love to get along. But it’s simply not possible because he doesn’t want to. I had enough after the way his wife treated my dd (8 at the time) at my stepdads funeral earlier this year and how my brother treated me at the burial of step dads ashes. All very toxic. And I’m to blame. Obvs.

Your situation sounds very similar. I think your parents need to learn they are extended family. You have your own family now. Don’t invite either them or your sister because your parents are going to misbehave. Have one with just a few friends.

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