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To tell the fiancée about her husband-to-be's past affair?

(302 Posts)
PastMistakes Mon 23-Oct-17 02:27:03

Long-time member, have name-changed. I'm really unsure about this so I'd appreciate honest answers. I'm prepared to be flamed.

Back story: as a student I had a part-time job where I worked with a man who I got on with very well, but was not especially attracted to. Nothing went on whilst we worked together.

I eventually left my job, and moved to a new flat elsewhere in town. Ex co-worker owned a car, and offered to help me move a few things. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I was flattered, but thought this would just be a one-time thing. However, he was quite keen and so it carried on fairly regularly for a couple of months until I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH.

Ex co-worker was, and continues to be, in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was aware of this, but I'm not really here to defend what I did or explain why I did it. I never met the girlfriend, and at the time I had absolutely no interest in 'stealing' her boyfriend or letting her know about the affair in any way.

Fast forward a few years, and I hear through the grapevine that ex co-worker proposed to his girlfriend and they are engaged to be married next year. Ex co-worker has intermittently tried to contact me in the intervening years, but he's apparently lost my number and can only do this though emails that I ignore. (DH has always been aware of everything, and I have never been - or ever will be - unfaithful to him.)

I have no great desire to, but should I/WIBU to now let the fiancée know about the past affair before she married this man? Would she want to know? Or should I just leave well alone?

Waddlingwanda Mon 23-Oct-17 02:30:12

Leave well alone.

What good do you expect to come from it?

PastMistakes Mon 23-Oct-17 02:33:58

As I say, no great desire to say anything at all really. I'm just thinking whether the fiancée would prefer to know before she marries him. Would it be worse if it all came out after (e.g. he says something)?

If consensus is no, then happy to leave well alone.

darkfruits Mon 23-Oct-17 02:35:22

it depends how long ago this was and how long they had been together when you two were sleeping together?

PastMistakes Mon 23-Oct-17 02:36:41

Around 6 years ago. And I think (I'm not sure) they'd been together for a couple of years when the fling started.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Mon 23-Oct-17 02:38:22

Wow! So you sat on it for all these years despite knowing at the time he was in a long term relationship. Is it the thought of ruining a wedding that appeals to you?

PastMistakes Mon 23-Oct-17 02:40:03

No. Again, no great desire to say anything.

theaveragewife Mon 23-Oct-17 02:41:04

You didn't care then, so why do you care now?

NoCryLilSoftSoft Mon 23-Oct-17 02:41:43

Well then don’t. confused their relationship is really none of your business.

PastMistakes Mon 23-Oct-17 02:41:51

Because I am not the same person as I was 6 years ago. Are you?

HopefullyAnonymous Mon 23-Oct-17 02:42:05

What do you expect the outcome would be? Does your DH not find it odd that you're considering it?

NoCryLilSoftSoft Mon 23-Oct-17 02:42:40

I don’t understand why the news they are marrying has made you think you should scupper it somehow.

darkfruits Mon 23-Oct-17 02:43:38

I think if she were to be told it should have been at the time, 6 years is a long time so i’d probably leave it if i were you and he’s hopefully he’s changed now. if not good luck to her!

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 23-Oct-17 02:43:55

Leave it.

PastMistakes Mon 23-Oct-17 02:44:11

Well I won't if people think I shouldn't.

This is exactly why I'm asking, because I am not sure about whether to. Of course I now wish it all hadn't happened, and I would never do such a thing again, but it did. And now I'm not sure what the best thing to do is.

Hence asking for opinions.

catnoir Mon 23-Oct-17 02:44:38

Really bad what you both did, him way more to blame though. Do they have children? I would say tell the poor woman what a cheating scumbag she’s going to marry before she’s legally tied to him and has his children and is in mn relationships, after finding out too late. I’d want to know and I’d say most women would appreciate being told in the long term. Hth though op.

steff13 Mon 23-Oct-17 02:45:35

Because I am not the same person as I was 6 years ago.

Maybe he is too.

PastMistakes Mon 23-Oct-17 02:47:57

I suppose part of it is the fact that once or twice a year he does still try (unsuccessfully) to get in touch. So I guess that's evidence he's not really changed, and I sort of think I'd want to know if in her position.

But of course that could be a v. unreasonable assumption on my part.

catnoir Mon 23-Oct-17 02:48:04

Really? Everyone telling op to leave it? Apart from her shitty part in it, would you really not want to know your future new husband/ father of your kids is a dirty no good cheat? And liable to ruin your life in the long run?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 23-Oct-17 02:50:01

Yes. I wouldn't say anything. It's nothing to do with her now and it was years ago.

catnoir Mon 23-Oct-17 02:50:20

But of course that could be a v. unreasonable assumption on my part.

No op, it’s the decent thing to do.

PastMistakes Mon 23-Oct-17 02:54:59

I'm actually not sure if they have children. I really don't think about him, and I don't know her at all. I would make a fairly confident guess there aren't any children involved, though.

catnoir Mon 23-Oct-17 03:01:23

There’s a good chance there will be future children potentially brought into what his woman believes is a happy relationship, until she finds out and women always do and then they have a broken home. If he’s still attempting contact every 6 months or so he clearly hasn’t changed and she’s going to marry an asshole.

catnoir Mon 23-Oct-17 03:01:52

*this woman

SuperBeagle Mon 23-Oct-17 03:06:20

None of your business. Keep your snout out.

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