My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To tell the fiancée about her husband-to-be's past affair?

301 replies

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:27

Long-time member, have name-changed. I'm really unsure about this so I'd appreciate honest answers. I'm prepared to be flamed.

Back story: as a student I had a part-time job where I worked with a man who I got on with very well, but was not especially attracted to. Nothing went on whilst we worked together.

I eventually left my job, and moved to a new flat elsewhere in town. Ex co-worker owned a car, and offered to help me move a few things. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I was flattered, but thought this would just be a one-time thing. However, he was quite keen and so it carried on fairly regularly for a couple of months until I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH.

Ex co-worker was, and continues to be, in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was aware of this, but I'm not really here to defend what I did or explain why I did it. I never met the girlfriend, and at the time I had absolutely no interest in 'stealing' her boyfriend or letting her know about the affair in any way.

Fast forward a few years, and I hear through the grapevine that ex co-worker proposed to his girlfriend and they are engaged to be married next year. Ex co-worker has intermittently tried to contact me in the intervening years, but he's apparently lost my number and can only do this though emails that I ignore. (DH has always been aware of everything, and I have never been - or ever will be - unfaithful to him.)

I have no great desire to, but should I/WIBU to now let the fiancée know about the past affair before she married this man? Would she want to know? Or should I just leave well alone?

OP posts:
Waddlingwanda · 23/10/2017 02:30

Leave well alone.

What good do you expect to come from it?

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:33

As I say, no great desire to say anything at all really. I'm just thinking whether the fiancée would prefer to know before she marries him. Would it be worse if it all came out after (e.g. he says something)?

If consensus is no, then happy to leave well alone.

OP posts:
darkfruits · 23/10/2017 02:35

it depends how long ago this was and how long they had been together when you two were sleeping together?

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:36

Around 6 years ago. And I think (I'm not sure) they'd been together for a couple of years when the fling started.

OP posts:
NoCryLilSoftSoft · 23/10/2017 02:38

Wow! So you sat on it for all these years despite knowing at the time he was in a long term relationship. Is it the thought of ruining a wedding that appeals to you?

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:40

No. Again, no great desire to say anything.

OP posts:
theaveragewife · 23/10/2017 02:41

You didn't care then, so why do you care now?

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 23/10/2017 02:41

Well then don’t. Confused their relationship is really none of your business.

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:41

Because I am not the same person as I was 6 years ago. Are you?

OP posts:
HopefullyAnonymous · 23/10/2017 02:42

What do you expect the outcome would be? Does your DH not find it odd that you're considering it?

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 23/10/2017 02:42

I don’t understand why the news they are marrying has made you think you should scupper it somehow.

darkfruits · 23/10/2017 02:43

I think if she were to be told it should have been at the time, 6 years is a long time so i’d probably leave it if i were you and he’s hopefully he’s changed now. if not good luck to her!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/10/2017 02:43

Leave it.

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:44

Well I won't if people think I shouldn't.

This is exactly why I'm asking, because I am not sure about whether to. Of course I now wish it all hadn't happened, and I would never do such a thing again, but it did. And now I'm not sure what the best thing to do is.

Hence asking for opinions.

OP posts:
catnoir · 23/10/2017 02:44

Really bad what you both did, him way more to blame though. Do they have children? I would say tell the poor woman what a cheating scumbag she’s going to marry before she’s legally tied to him and has his children and is in mn relationships, after finding out too late. I’d want to know and I’d say most women would appreciate being told in the long term. Hth though op.

steff13 · 23/10/2017 02:45

Because I am not the same person as I was 6 years ago.

Maybe he is too.

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:47

I suppose part of it is the fact that once or twice a year he does still try (unsuccessfully) to get in touch. So I guess that's evidence he's not really changed, and I sort of think I'd want to know if in her position.

But of course that could be a v. unreasonable assumption on my part.

OP posts:
catnoir · 23/10/2017 02:48

Really? Everyone telling op to leave it? Apart from her shitty part in it, would you really not want to know your future new husband/ father of your kids is a dirty no good cheat? And liable to ruin your life in the long run?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/10/2017 02:50

Yes. I wouldn't say anything. It's nothing to do with her now and it was years ago.

catnoir · 23/10/2017 02:50

But of course that could be a v. unreasonable assumption on my part.

No op, it’s the decent thing to do.

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:54

I'm actually not sure if they have children. I really don't think about him, and I don't know her at all. I would make a fairly confident guess there aren't any children involved, though.

OP posts:
catnoir · 23/10/2017 03:01

There’s a good chance there will be future children potentially brought into what his woman believes is a happy relationship, until she finds out and women always do and then they have a broken home. If he’s still attempting contact every 6 months or so he clearly hasn’t changed and she’s going to marry an asshole.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

catnoir · 23/10/2017 03:01

*this woman

SuperBeagle · 23/10/2017 03:06

None of your business. Keep your snout out.

Ohmygodeverynameisfuckinginuse · 23/10/2017 03:20

Tell her he’s still trying it on. You are probably not the only person he’s emailing.
If it was a fling years ago and he hadn’t made contact since then I would have probably left it.
He’s a prick. She deserves to know the truth. You will be saving her from wasting her life with the cheating scum.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.