Help me!!!!!!

[overloadedwithchocolatecake]

Not really an AIBU but I need advice mumsnetters!! I'm at the end of my tether! My DS (age 6, yr 1), has a 'friend' who is a mega mega bad influence and I don't know what to do. Please help!!!

They were in the same class in reception and I hoped they'd get split up this year but they didn't. This little boy (let's call him E) is really really naughty! Disobeys adults all the time, never listens, is mean to other kids, causes havoc, and uses horrible language (butt holes, cocks, and other choice words).

My DS likes him because he is fun and high energy, but whenever they are together my DS copies and joins in with this boy. Party today and my DS was really rude to me and had mega attitude because E was behaving like this (and his parents don't give a monkeys).

I have tried all kinds of tactics, from telling him he can't be friends with the boy (didn't work), to laying off completely, to talking to him everyday about the behaviour we expect and why not to copy E etc (we do this basically everyday).

I just feel so so sad. While I feel sorry for E and don't blame him (he's copying the language from someone himself I assume), I just hate his influence on my DS. My DS has lots of friends and attends many sports clubs outside school etc... and is always always lovely and polite and kind and sweet in all environments where E is not present. I've spoken to school and they r aware of E and split them up in lesson times, but I just don't know what else to do.

How can I stop my boy copying and playing with him???? I am really worried my DS will adopt Es attitude even when E is not present.

Why does my DS not hang about with the 'nice' kids? He's really sweet

[overloadedwithchocolatecake]

anyone??? :)

[yawning801]

Can you speak to the teacher about it?

[yawning801]

Oops. My computer screen jumped and I missed half the thread!

[Santawontbelong]

Invite him for tea. Pull him up on every bit of bad behaviour - tell him you don't accept that in your house. .
He won't want to come over and will likely drop your ds. .
Been there and done this!!
It worked!!

[overloadedwithchocolatecake]

Thanks santa! He's never been round for a play date because I didn't want to encourage the friendship! But maybe your idea could work! .....

[Wolfiefan]

If he was acting up at the party you leave.
If he is messing about at school he will get in trouble there. Let him!
Encourage other friendships? Other kids on play dates?
Extra curricular stuff to broaden friendship circle?

[overloadedwithchocolatecake]

Thanks wolfie! He has been in trouble at school a fair bit (when playing with E), but unfortunately this seems to have solidified the relationship a bit, and it's now a 'them and us' attitude (we r hiding from the teachers etc...)

[Booboobooboo84]

Tell him if it continues you will ask for him to change class. And if that doesn’t work then change school. I would work on his self confidence and self worth.

[overloadedwithchocolatecake]

It's just so sad because when he's not with E, he is so good and sweet!! He gets praised at all his clubs for listening well, following instructions, etc... and is really polite and grown up!)

(E's name doesn't begin with E by the way!!! Now panicking a good friend who's name does begin with E (who is lovely) will recognise me and think it's them!!! !!)

[overloadedwithchocolatecake]

Thanks booboo! I think he's confident in some areas, but maybe his self esteem in terms of ability to make other friends could do with some work (have no idea how to do that though!!)

[Wolfiefan]

My eldest does TKD and did scouts too. Worth a look at something like that?
Hope the school are dealing with "E's" behaviour. Maybe if he missed some break times your child would find other friends?!

[Marcipex]

Change schools.

[Laiste]

Booboobooboo - Tell him if it continues you will ask for him to change class. And if that doesn’t work then change school. I would work on his self confidence and self worth.

This.

Seriously OP, if it's exactly as you say and you have taken the step you say you have already then i can see you being stuck with this for the rest of primary. Last chance saloon is to get them split up properly and then change schools if that doesnt work.

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

If it becomes a major issue the school might separate them in different classes. That's what happened here with two rowdy kids in reception. Worked well. They both calmed down a bit not having the others influence

[overloadedwithchocolatecake]

Thanks! I will try school again. I have asked before and was told 'no' with regard to putting them in separate classes, but maybe if it's that or change schools they'll reconsider

[Laiste]

Yep. It's so easy to plod and struggle through the school years (''oh god, we'll let this year go and see what happens next year'' ect ect) with this. They fly by, the school years, and by the time you realise it DCs are in year 6 and it's too bloody late and primary has been officially crap and stessful.

You're left feeling shitty because you never sorted it out in the end and left wondering if DCs are worse off.

[Laiste]

Sorry for the doom and gloom, it's just that i've got 4 kids and i've been through the primary years 3 times and i know what it's like dealing with DCs and some of their friendships

[Crumbs1]

I’m with Santawontbelong. Invite child round and be strict, correcting all misbehaviour and setting firm rules. Sit at table for supper, serve no choice supper, don’t leave table until everyone has finished etc. This might be the one occasion I’d insist on shoes off. Might even have some television off reading time or insist on a board game.

[MatildaTheCat]

DS2 was always attracted to the naughtiest children for his friends. Changing schools will ver likely result in a new naughty friend. I think some dc are excited by the risk taking and edginess that goes along with a Bad Friend.

Ask teachers to encourage other friendships and keep them apart as much as possible. Inviting him to tea and being extremely strict might work but might backfire.

I will be honest and say I never totally cracked it and ds was borderline naught himself as a result of this. He has grown up a nice young man, though.

[overloadedwithchocolatecake]

Thanks all! Matildacat, sounds like my DS and this is our fear with moving classes/moving schools. My wish is that E will suddenly have to emigrate! But seems unlikely!!!

I'm really heartened to know your DS turned into a lovely young man! My DS is lovely now and I know he can turn out this way too, but he's a worry (largely because of this friend - and the potential for others like it, and his enjoyment of this kind of company :(

I feel bad for him tonight. I said 'it must be hard for you that mummy doesn't really like E that much, and doesnt like you hanging around with him, but he's your friend'. He agreed and seemed sad :( Im so torn :( it feels mean stopping him playing with E, not that this would b very possible anyway :( but I just worry and feel so sad for him.

[FenceSitter01]

Despite the advice to change schools, this wont stop your son forming other friendships with similar 'high energy' children.

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

How well do you even know "E" if he's never been round for a playdate? Maybe if you got to know him better, you'd see some other sides to him? Some better qualities, perhaps?

So I agree with PPs suggesting you invite him round and do the mega strict thing, in the hope E will dump your DS. But, equally, you might find some things about E that you like???

[moofolk]

Have you also considered it's not just E that is the problem? Maybe your DS is a bad influence on E or at least they encourange each other? It's hard to tell. ps I am the DM of a naughty angel it's a conversation I have with myself when cursing his friends....

[SeaToSki]

Maybe you could build on your conversation and see if he would consider encouraging E to be good, "then Mummy would be happy you had a lovely friend and he could come over for playdates etc"

There is also a very sweet children's book that helps explain this a little

Hunters Best Friend at School Its available on Amazon

[overloadedwithchocolatecake]

Hi moo and keep. Well, I'm sure E does have a nice side and I feel really sorry for him. I don't doubt that if I was his teacher, he'd be the one I wanted to help nurture and to take under my wing. However, as a mum, I really hate his influence on my DS! And my DS is my priority!

Yes, my DS is high energy, and likes a bit of risk taking and mischief at times! But when not with E, he is kind, polite, and generally lovely! I see a lot of E at parties, school drop offs etc.. and E happens to be in a couple of after school clubs with DS. He is mean to other kids. I am always having to tell him off when I see him (for hitting my DS2, treading on kids artwork, throwing things, saying mean things to kids - his parents just seem to let it all happen.) He doesn't care though. If someone tells of my DS, he looks really shy and sorry and does what he's asked, but E just talks back or walks off and tries to drag my DS with him!

I sometimes feel myself really hating this little boy (E) because I just love my DS so much and want him to be the kind, sweet boy I know him to be! But it's awful to hate a 5 year old :( especially when he's probably having a rubbish time at home :(

My son had a swim lesson yesterday (no E there thankfully) and the teacher made a point of telling me how lovely and well behaved and what a good listener he is! It's the same at his other activities outside school. He flourishes when E is not around and looks so happy.