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Difficult relationship with mum

(18 Posts)
RangeTesKopeks Sun 22-Oct-17 14:01:54

Visiting my parents for the weekend, and finding it a bit difficult.

My mum is kind and supportive, but can also be quite critical or come across as (maybe?) a bit impatient.

She'll tell me to do things, or just be quite nosey sometimes. Basically, we're still in the same dynamic that we had when I was a child. And it's shit.

She keeps on telling me to assert myself and stand up for myself when I'm dealing with other people, but then criticises me if I assert myself with her (e.g. she asked me how my counselling sessions were going, and got into a huff when I said I didn't want to talk about it (got another thread about this)).

Another situation - she went out shopping, and asked if I wanted anything. I asked if she could please get X, Y, Z. She came back and got a couple of alternative things to X and Y, which weren't really like them at all. I really appreciate that she got things for me. I just find it a bit frustrating how she will always go out of her to get things that are different to X, Y and Z. WWYD?

RangeTesKopeks Sun 22-Oct-17 14:02:46

Hope I don't sound ungrateful in the last example in my OP blush maybe I'm being U!!!

RangeTesKopeks Sun 22-Oct-17 14:14:33

Also don't feel like she accepts me for who I am.

RangeTesKopeks Sun 22-Oct-17 14:24:24

Anyone with advice please? smile

RangeTesKopeks Sun 22-Oct-17 14:39:19

Bumping.

RangeTesKopeks Sun 22-Oct-17 14:56:10

Anyone with any suggestions?

Rubyslippers7780 Sun 22-Oct-17 14:59:37

Don't let yourself go into child mode with her. Be and act like an adult. Tell her what you want..like your counselling is going well but you are not at a stage to talk yet, then change the subject.
Don't rely on her, at all. If she offers to go to the shops just say you want to go yourelf later.

fivefour3twoone Sun 22-Oct-17 16:57:06

I relate completely...
My mum treated me like a child until I put my foot down recently, I was able to tell her to stop though based on the fact that I've long moved out, have my own family and don't ask her for anything and I would stop seeing her if she continued with her behaviour.
She's completely changed. When I see her she sometimes "slips up" so I keep visits short and limit contact where I can. Life's so much nicer and easier, I wish I'd done it years ago.
Good luck with your counselling.

RangeTesKopeks Sun 22-Oct-17 17:05:48

Thanks very much everyone - really good advice smile

Katyb1310 Sun 22-Oct-17 18:05:15

Sounds so like mine. It's as if she doesn't see me as an adult at all and has to know about every aspect of my life, and likes to try to control every aspect of my life. I left home over 20 years ago and it's still the same as soon as I'm in her company. Sorry I don't have any advice but just wanted to let you know I understand! X

RangeTesKopeks Sun 22-Oct-17 18:07:18

Thanks Katy smile sorry to hear about your situation flowers

My Mum just gets so offended by random stuff. Just now, she came in to chat, and then asked if I wanted a ready meal for dinner. I said thanks but I'd sort out myself out, and she flounced out.

Katyb1310 Sun 22-Oct-17 18:15:50

Range, mine does too! She seems to see things in a completely different way to how I mean them and can totally twist things so she ends up seeming like the victim when I haven't meant any offence at all!!

RangeTesKopeks Sun 22-Oct-17 18:47:31

Sorry Katy sad can I ask how you interact with her when you see each other?

RandomMess Sun 22-Oct-17 18:58:20

Your mum sounds very PA tbh!

RangeTesKopeks Sun 22-Oct-17 19:00:48

She can be Random - I had to put up with some silent treatment when I was younger.

RandomMess Sun 22-Oct-17 19:09:02

So the WWYD, do you mean this weekend or more generally?

I’d ignore the strips, sulks, PA and treat her like a toddler! All bright and breezy.

Ref the things she bought “thanks for trying with the substitutions, really appreciate your effort,but these aren’t going to work. I’ll leave them here so you can get a refund”

RangeTesKopeks Sun 22-Oct-17 19:12:40

Thanks Random - I mean more generally.

honeybeetheoneandonly Mon 23-Oct-17 10:40:17

I think you have to accept her for who she is. She has been "her" for longer than you have been you. Say your piece, if it makes you feel better, but expect her to remain who she is, warts and all. The only thing you can change is how you react to her and how much you let her get under your skin. It's harder at first. I think we can have a tendency to regress into childlike states with parents at times and they may have problems viewing you as independent adult.
My children are still quite young but I must admit I'm so old, 18 year olds look like "children" to me. I'm curious at what age I will regard my own children as proper adults. smile

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