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To not keep this secret anymore (DV related)

(60 Posts)
teentraumas Sun 22-Oct-17 13:03:28

About 6 months ago we were on our way out to dinner with good friends (who also are our neighbours). They were arguing in the back and he punched her. Lost the plot completely. Anyway, after an evening of sorting out she was safe but still wanting to be with him and some conversations about it she went home but not until she had told us the extent of the abuse. He does not know that we know the extent of everything. Dh and I decided actually that the friendship was never going to recover and we didn’t want to be friends particularly with him. We have gone on the last few months with just courteous hellos on the drive only. We have not told anyone
Fast forward to this week and our neighbour is being an arse and has clearly told their family a different reason as to why our friendship ended and we are being blanked and they are playing the victim. I am probably Abu , but I feel I want to tell people the real reason we are no longer friends sad
AIBU?

Bruceishavingfish Sun 22-Oct-17 13:05:09

What do yoi think will happen to her if you start telling people?

PastysPrincess Sun 22-Oct-17 13:05:56

I would agree with you except that If it’s a domestic violence situation you could make it much worse for her by outing him.

AnyFucker Sun 22-Oct-17 13:06:08

You thought the best course of action after a female friend disclosed dv was to henceforth blank her ?

Dick move

Tuileries Sun 22-Oct-17 13:06:57

No, definitely don't do that. Your friend will be the one to suffer.

Tuileries Sun 22-Oct-17 13:07:37

And what AF has just said. You seem more concerned about what people think of you than your friend's safety and wellbeing.

ILoveMillhousesDad Sun 22-Oct-17 13:08:02

You thought the best course of action after a female friend disclosed dv was to henceforth blank her?

Dick move

Couldn't agree more

DelilahDarcey Sun 22-Oct-17 13:08:12

So to clarify, you dumped a friend that is a domestic violence victim and now want to blab your mouth off about it??

You and your DH sound like arseholes

LemonShark Sun 22-Oct-17 13:08:13

No. Telling everyone could contribute to him taking it out on her. Yes that's his decision but why would you want to risk being the catalyst for that just to save face? Your social standing/reputation is less important than another person's safety.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Sun 22-Oct-17 13:09:39

You sound horrible. You're the one who's behaved badly here imo

teentraumas Sun 22-Oct-17 13:09:46

I haven’t blanked her, they are blanking us!
We couldn’t sit round a dinner table with them laughing and joking with them with what I know
And I kinda know aibu and deep down i know i cant

Cheby Sun 22-Oct-17 13:10:27

WTF is wrong wth you OP? Your neighbour is being abused by her husband, and you decide the best thing to do is blank her? Really?!

Cheby Sun 22-Oct-17 13:11:48

So wait, she was attacked in your presence, and had the courage to reveal the extent of the abuse, and you decided you didn't want to be friends anymore? I just can't even with this.

Bruceishavingfish Sun 22-Oct-17 13:13:08

You backed off the friendship with BOTH of them.

Why couldnt you still be friends with her?

You ditched her.

MarciaBlaine Sun 22-Oct-17 13:14:15

Words actually fail me! You should be ashamed of yourself.

teentraumas Sun 22-Oct-17 13:14:34

They are our neighbours. I don’t spend time with her alone ever. Never have done. I made it clear if she ever needed me I was around.
So you are all telling me that you would continue socialising with someone who was an abuser?

Glumglowworm Sun 22-Oct-17 13:18:21

You could've started to socialise with just her! But basically you've dropped her because she's a victim of DV

And now you want to blab about it. Honestly, you sound like horrible people.

If you can't bring yourself to support this woman then the very least you can do is not make her situation worse by telling other people.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Sun 22-Oct-17 13:19:40

I would if it meant I could support the abused party. And the knowledge of her predicament would make me want to make the time to spend with her alone.
My ex used to hit me, quite badly at times, and I am infinitely grateful I had supportive people around me. My friends didn't abandon me because I hadn't the strength to leave him as soon as they found out about the abuse.

AnyFucker Sun 22-Oct-17 13:21:07

You have acted like being a victim of dv is 1) contagious and 2) a terrible social faux pas

Fuck me

Cheby Sun 22-Oct-17 13:21:29

Yes I would have made an effort to socialise with her. And support her to leave/go to the police.

RealWomanOhYes Sun 22-Oct-17 13:28:04

Well, it is terribly crass to be friends with violent thugs isn't it? What would the other neighbours say?

What AF said with bells on - dick move. No wonder she's blanking you.

chickenowner Sun 22-Oct-17 13:29:08

I think you should have reported the assault to the police immediately.

AnyFucker Sun 22-Oct-17 13:33:10

Op, this woman reached out to you and you let her down

And now she is siding with her abuser to save herself. Go read up on the dynamics of dv and educate yourself, it's not fucking rocket science

Gilead Sun 22-Oct-17 13:33:13

Why haven't you made a point of finding some 'alone' time with the victim? Why haven't you encouraged her and supported her to get help?

frumpety Sun 22-Oct-17 13:36:30

What can you do ? She has decided for the time being to remain in a relationship with him . You and your DH don't want to socialise with him because of what you know about him as a person , but you only ever socialised with them as a couple . TBH I think if you suddenly started to try and socialise with just her , she probably wouldn't be allowed out with you , given that you know too much . I wonder if their other friends and family are aware ?

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