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To not know how to feel about this revelation?

(426 Posts)
Laurat859 Sat 21-Oct-17 23:36:50

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel sad

C0untDucku1a Sat 21-Oct-17 23:39:56

No. Protect your imaginary child.

RefuseTheLies Sat 21-Oct-17 23:41:24

Not a snowball's chance in hell I'd leave my child any where near a known sex offender. I'd also not leave my child with someone who knowingly married a sex offender.

Feelslikecrystal Sat 21-Oct-17 23:44:01

Never in a million years would I knowingly allow my children near a sex offender. sorry.

DJBaggySmallpox Sat 21-Oct-17 23:44:24

If he is still on the register 20 years later, his offenses were extremely serious. She is silly to trust him with her grandchildren.
Bi polar disorder doesn't cause people to act out that way. If he stops taking his treatment then he may reoffend. He is a pedophile with bi polar disorder, not someone who had a bad time and made a mistake.

They could never stay overnight in the same house, you could never leave the kids with either of them. And you cant trust her to do the right thing.
Does you partner really get that?

Ellendegeneres Sat 21-Oct-17 23:44:54

I suffer with bipolar. I don't go round abusing kids. What a fucking cop out 😡😡

mineofuselessinformation Sat 21-Oct-17 23:45:04

Find out what he did - you should be able to google it.
Then, based on that and whether or not you choose to have a child / children, make it quite clear what contact will be allowed.
BF's mum has opened the way for discussion. It's up to you what you do with it.

TriHard27 Sat 21-Oct-17 23:45:40

I might be wrong but if he is still under supervision, authorities would need to be informed of any contact he has with children in the family and that decision may be taken out of your hands iyswim depending on the risk it's felt he poses.

MontyPants Sat 21-Oct-17 23:46:03

Personally I wouldn't want anything to do with him. I wouldn't let him in my home. Your MIL is obviously a very forgiving person, and maybe she's jumping the gun a bit, but she clearly understands the seriousness and the implications if she is willing to leave him over this. Decide what you and your boyfriend want to do, and be honest with her.

Ellendegeneres Sat 21-Oct-17 23:47:14

And the whole he stopped his meds but now he's ok to not abuse kids cause he's on them is a fucking sick joke. I stop start my medication all the time. It's part of the disorder. You think you're managing fine, so stop the meds, cope for a bit then it goes wrong and you're back on them with a flea in your ear from mh services

KadabrasSpoon Sat 21-Oct-17 23:47:39

No way. Thank goodness you haven't left an actual child with them.
It sounds like she wants to leave him. Saying she'll leave him over an imaginery grandchild is perhaps looking for a way out?

Pollypudding Sat 21-Oct-17 23:48:01

You have been put in a very difficult position by your boyfriend’s mum. Do not be made to feel responsible for her actions. Saying she will leave him sounds like emotional blackmail - what she does is up to her. Trust your feelings that you do not want to leave your child with someone who is on the sex offenders register. This is not unreasonable. I am wondering if your boyfriend knew and also whether he lived with them as a child.

JaniceBattersby Sat 21-Oct-17 23:48:55

If he was imprisoned 20years ago —when people thought groping women was absolutely fine— then it was likely a serious offence.

I’d be concerned about leaving my kids with someone who had found it acceptable to be in a relationship with someone who was a paedophile. My MIL is a lovely woman, would never hurt my kids etc but she tiptoes around FIL’s abusive and bullying behaviour and stated quiet when he was violent towards his own kids so there’s no way she’ll ever have my kids alone or otherwise.

Timefortea99 Sat 21-Oct-17 23:49:09

No, don't let politeness get in the way of doing right by your yet unborn children.

Evergreen777 Sat 21-Oct-17 23:49:14

I don't think that's a fair thing for her to ask you. I can see why she sees the need to tell you now, but you can't possibly know how you'll feel if/when you have a child.

If he's on the sex offenders register, does that mean there's any kind of probation officer or social worker you could speak to about what the risks are considered to be? Ie what age/sex?

I can't see why your future MIL couldn't have a reasonable relationship with any grandchildren that doesn't involve having the child to stay overnight. She could come round to yours instead. No reason ever to let her DP be alone with the child.

But it's not fair of her to put responsibility for her ending her relationship on your shoulders. Surely if she really loves this man she wouldn't leave him for the sake of having (as yet unborn) grandchildren staying over. I don't think sleepovers are an essential part of grandparenting

lionsleepstonight Sat 21-Oct-17 23:50:15

No. How could you trust her to 'never leave them alone' with him? Sounds suspicious to me. Sounds like she is unwittingly being used to emotionally blackmail you into a situation which would be potentially dangerous for your child.
I am actually surprised she is still with him when she knows his history?. What kind of woman thinks something like that is ok just because it happened 20 years ago??

Ellendegeneres Sat 21-Oct-17 23:54:14

Can I just remind you op- 20yrs since last conviction. Not since last having had sexual thoughts about children or having committed offences. Since he was last caught.

notheretoargue Sat 21-Oct-17 23:55:13

How long have they been married and how and when did your boyfriend find out?

It’s nit your fault or your ur decision what your boyfriend’s mum does. But if I were you, there would be no contact between my child and her husband. As in, they would never even meet. What bf’s mum wants to do about that is her problem.

Tuileries Sat 21-Oct-17 23:55:31

I would not let a sex offender anywhere near my children.

However, perpetrating sexual crimes is not a symptom of bipolar disorder! He is a disturbed individual who happens to be bipolar. I cannot stress that enough.

Sandycarrots Sat 21-Oct-17 23:57:22

It's unfair of her to put the responsibility on you as to whether she leaves her dh or not. That is her decision alone. I would tell her that and also that you can't possibly know how you will feel about the situation until you are a mother.

You have to give her credit for being honest with you though, although I would also doubt the integrity of someone who chose to stay married to a paedophile.

When the time comes, surely it could be arranged that only she sees the DC in your home when you are there too. That would be my preference anyway, especially as she seems to be minimising what he did.

ChristmasFluff Sat 21-Oct-17 23:57:25

Being bipolar does not make you a paedophile, but a diagnosis of bipolar does provide a handy excuse for paedophiles

SierraFerrara Sat 21-Oct-17 23:58:05

I would not let my child anywhere near someone I knew was a sex offender, even supervised or someone who you were told was low risk. Not a chance.

You are not responsible for your MIL's relationships. She must have known there would likely be consequences when she married him. Your child is more important.

Actually, now I think of it, she has effectively condoned his actions and that would worry me.

Did your partner know all this? If so, why didn't he tell you?

FloraPostIt Sat 21-Oct-17 23:58:10

I’m usually the wooliest liberal around. But no way should he be near children. Ever.

steppemum Sun 22-Oct-17 00:00:08

Can I ask, how old was your bf when they met and married?

In other words, did she knowingly allow a man on sex offenders register around her own son when he was under 18?

To say 'he will never be alone with them' is naive, and not possible.

So kids are there MIL realises they've run out of milk, and nips to shop. Do you really think she will decide every single time without fail that HE must go to the shop as he cannot be alone with them even for 5 minutes? What about when MIL is cooking in kitchen, will you be OK for him to be in living room with kids?

I know someone on the offenders register. He appeared to be very nice, and kids liked him, seemed like a nice all round bloke.

He raped a 3 year old, and abused her many times. Some of those times there were other people in the house, who knew nothing about it. He was able to abuse her in the other room while normal life went on.

doobeydoo Sun 22-Oct-17 00:00:14

'If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.' This would ring alarm bells for me in terms of emotional blackmail.
Why is it the mum telling you this anyway? Why did your boyfriend never mention it?

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