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(18 Posts)
Goldfingers Sat 21-Oct-17 22:37:00

I would like some independent opinions.

I have a few month old baby. Baby is bf but has expressed bottles a few times a week and maybe one formula feed every month or 6 weeks.

Baby is fed ok demand and doing well.

First baby.

Hasn't been an easy ride, Hcp mentioned not an easy baby. Doesn't sleep and feeds a lot.

However things improving and beginning to sleep much better and feed a bit less.

At my parents for a week as they live far away and we had an event to attend today where both me and baby dad had jobs. I've been pretty worried about this event simply due to logistics and it being the first big thing we've done.

Whilst at my parents sleep has been worse and baby is unsettled.

Today my dad suggests he thinks I'm overly anxious I lift the baby up too often and attend to him as soon as he makes a noise and when was I planning to finish bf so baby would sleep and baby dad could do night feeds.

This was all expressed as concern for my mental health. However aibu to be really hurt by the subtext that I'm not doing mothering really well. I think this might be the sort of comment I can never forget.

Apologies for length

Stripesandstars44 Sat 21-Oct-17 22:53:15

I’m with you, OP. I have a 2 month old (first baby) and any “suggestions” I receive on how I parent my child I take really personally. My DH constantly reminds me that we do what’s best for our baby, not what other people think is best. How often you pick up your baby or when you plan to finish breastfeeding is your decision, so don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re a bad mum. We all do the best we can, and each child is different anyway, so I’m sure you’re doing just fine.

I think you need to develop the “smile and nod” approach to any further unsolicited advice! flowers

Bubblebubblepop Sat 21-Oct-17 22:57:14

I'll make a bet that your dad is fabulous and is coming from a place of love. Early weeks/ months are very hard. Other people's ideas don't really help. I'm sure you're doing a great job, people are trying to help but it doesn't always come across well

QueenCuntyFlippers Sat 21-Oct-17 22:58:48

Sounds like you are doing a grand job.

Were you managing fine and not questioning yourself until these 'helpful' comments? Having small babies is hard...and it continues to be hard, people should be more supportive than judgemental, but that's not the way it goes sometimes.

I bet you're doing a wonderful job flowers

Unihorn Sat 21-Oct-17 23:00:34

My husband's parents always made comments about me picking my daughter up too much or "spoiling" her. I just ignored them. You're doing a great job.

Goldfingers Sat 21-Oct-17 23:01:52

I feel really devastated. I'm very close with them. I'll admit ice been very worked up this week but I'm tired and have had a lot of running about to do and lots of things outside my control. I feel like they think I'm a shit mum. Surely you can't over love or cuddle an infant.....

Out2pasture Sat 21-Oct-17 23:04:18

20 years ago and more parenting was done slightly differently. his comment reflects on style. do what feels right for you.

Goldfingers Sat 21-Oct-17 23:05:02

He is fabulous yes. I feel like I'm doing really well when we're at home. I've met some nice ladies I hope will become proper friends. We go to things most week days. We read and sing and do lots of walks and I'm over a stone and half lighter than I was when I got pregnant.

It will have come from a place of love but im not sure I can forgive it and I think perhaps we need to have shorter visits

Unihorn Sat 21-Oct-17 23:06:00

I think sometimes it's a generational thing. It seems to have been mostly over 50s suggesting to me to put the baby down more. She's 11 months now and doesn't want to be held. She would only sleep on me for the first 6 months however. I don't think it makes a difference.

Please don't take their comments as a criticism. They are probably concerned that you're not getting enough "me time".

Anon8604 Sat 21-Oct-17 23:06:55

Sounds like you're doing a great job. And no, you definitely cannot love or cuddle a tiny baby too much.

llangennith Sat 21-Oct-17 23:08:01

What Unihorn said.

Goldfingers Sat 21-Oct-17 23:10:19

Thanks you've given me the perspective required. I'll try not to take it to heart.

AssassinatedBeauty Sat 21-Oct-17 23:11:04

It was a clumsy comment and unhelpful. They've probably picked up that you're a bit stressed but mistakenly connected that to the baby rather than to this event that you're involved in.

What was your reply to your dad?

Calvinlookingforhobbs Sat 21-Oct-17 23:11:37

It’s a generational thing. Our parents often seem to believe that you can “spoil” a baby and that responding to their NEEDS is you responding to their WANTS. No baby is capable of manipulating you. Try to see their comments as an expression of how much they care and love you.

Ps. take your baby to a trusted chiropractor. It was life changing for my babies.

MachineBee Sat 21-Oct-17 23:11:52

My own DM and my ILs all said I was too attentive to my DDs when they were babies and too strict on them as children. When they were grown up though everyone said I was a great mumconfused.

Ignore the comment and keep doing what you and your DH feel is best. flowers

Goldfingers Sat 21-Oct-17 23:16:10

I was worried about leaving the baby for 5 hrs before the event and behaviour during the day. They think I'm weird for not wanting to leave the baby and I got a lecture on how I'll cope going back to work. I suggested in 6 months since he's unlikely to be bf and eating real food it would be fine.

I also mentioned it's par for the course to be tired with an infant. Baby is out of routine and that making bottles won't make my life any easier and you can't make 6 bottles up at once so night feeds worse than now. I asked him if i should just let him cry and explained that at home I don't always pick up straight away If I need to stick a wash in or go to the loo but that I'm conscious at their house of the noise we make and I'm trying to counter act that all the time.

WildRosesGrow Sat 21-Oct-17 23:18:04

I think is a pretty standard conversation between people of our generation and our parents. Bottle feeding was seen as more modern at the time I think and babies were left to cry more. Your Dad loves you and is worried about his little girl, who is understandably worn out with looking after a newborn. He thinks their way was the right way and you think your way is right. Neither of you are wrong, just different.

Please try not to take this as criticism from your Dad. He just wants to help but unfortunately has managed to make you feel worse. I wouldn't go and stay with them for so long again, as travelling with young babies is very tough and unsettling for everyone.

Goldfingers Sat 21-Oct-17 23:21:24

Thanks ladies. He'd be mortified if he knew how rubbish he's made me feel. Unfortunately the visit length was non negotiable this time but we won't do it again.

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