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What would YOU think about my OH's behaviour?

(131 Posts)
HotPots63 Sat 21-Oct-17 21:10:34

Sorry this may be a bit long. think I already know what I should do about this,but I'm just asking for MNer's opinions. There are 3 issues in question here.
My OH (I can't even bring myself to call him DP any more) went back to his home country in Africa nearly 4 weeks ago to visit his family,for the first time in nearly 18 years. He said he was going for one month,so he would have been due back this coming week. I spoke to him on the phone this Monday just gone,and he kindly informed me that he will be staying for 3 months,not one,and will be back about a week and a half before christmas. He swears that it was a 'spur of the moment' decision,not pre-planned. I have my doubts. I was upset enough about him going for a month,so my gut feeling is that he knew it was for 3 months,but didn't tell me because he knew it would upset me even more. I just feel so let down and pissed off about it all. I was so looking forward to his return then he drops this bombshell.
The other issue is his behaviour prior to him going away. He had told me back in August that he was planning on going,he just wasn't sure at that stage exactly when it would be. I accepted this,but said could he please give me a bit of advance warning and not drop it on me at a minutes notice (he has form for being a bit of a last minute merchant). He assured me he would. Anyway,he turns up round at my place on the evening of the 18th September and says he's going on the 21st! As if this wasn't bad enough,he then asked me for all his clothes so he could get packed. I said that a lot of his stuff was in the dirty washing,they wouldn't be washed and dried until the following evening,thanks to him not giving me enough notice. He had the nerve to grumble about this,saying he had told me he was going. I said yes,he HAD told me he was going,but not exactly when.
I have since also found out that I'm pretty certain that he's lied to me about which airport he flew from. i.e. that he went from our local airport which is literally a 15 minute bus journey from where I live,even though he said he was going from an airport which is about 30 miles away,and impossible for me to get to on public transport (I am without a car at the moment).He said that if he had been going from our local one,I could have gone with him to see him off,but that it wasn't practical from the one he was actually going from. Out of curiosity,a couple of days after he left,I looked up online which flight he'd taken. I knew which airline it was and he had said it was a direct flight with no stopovers. But no direct flights operate from that particular airport to where he was going. In fact there were no flights to the particular airport he was going to,on that day,full stop. So I've come to the conclusion that he DID actually go from the local one,but told me otherwise to put me off going with him. Now,if he hadn't wanted me to go with him for whatever reason, (hating goodbyes etc) I would have accepted it. But why lie about it? I have not said anything to him about this during our phone calls,but it is bugging me. I feel like he has told me lie after lie. What would you think? And what would you say/do when you saw him? We've been together for 2 years and 7 months.

BenLui Sat 21-Oct-17 21:12:35

Do you live together?
Are you financially bound to him?
Do you have D.C. together?

AfterSchoolWorry Sat 21-Oct-17 21:13:19

He's a liar. I'd dump him.

cloudchasing Sat 21-Oct-17 21:16:08

He's hiding something.

Also - why didn't you tell him to do his own fucking washing?

This would be the end of the relationship for me I think. Something doesn't smell right.

DillyDilly Sat 21-Oct-17 21:17:11

How do you know if he actually left the country ??

KickAssAngel Sat 21-Oct-17 21:17:56

It wouldn't surprise me if you never see him again. Does he have family over here? Do they know about you? It sounds suspiciously like he's moved back there and just didn't want to tell you. He wouldn't want you seeing how much stuff he took to the airport as that would make it obvious that he wasn't going for just a month. He also made sure he had all his things from your place.

And just WHY were you doing his laundry when he doesn't even live with you?

VeganIan Sat 21-Oct-17 21:19:35

Did he have someone else seeing him off at the airport?
How exactly does he qualify as your DP?

choccybiscuit Sat 21-Oct-17 21:20:03

Sounds a bit dodgy to me.

Is he coming back? Did he fly out there with someone?

Mayhemmumma Sat 21-Oct-17 21:21:19

Sounds like he went with someone else.

DailyMailReadersAreThick Sat 21-Oct-17 21:22:30

Well, you do sound unreasonable about him going away. You were "upset enough" that he wanted to see family for a month - family he hasn't seen in almost two decades?? No wonder he became evasive about it.

I was married to an immigrant and he went to see his family every year for a month. I never resented it, even though we lived together and had joint finances. I certainly wouldn't have made him feel guilty about it.

This is one of those threads where I'd really like to see the other side.

formerbabe Sat 21-Oct-17 21:22:37

What would I think? I'd think affair.

LittleBirdBlues Sat 21-Oct-17 21:23:24

His behaviour sounds odd, but why were you unhappy about him going away? He hasn't been in 18 years, so of course he would want to stay for as long as possible.

Lying is never a good thing, but you sound quite demanding of him. You don't own him!

I am assuming that you don't have DC.

AnyFucker Sat 21-Oct-17 21:24:00

Does he have any of your money ?

Bruceishavingfish Sat 21-Oct-17 21:24:25

It does sound like he is hiding something.

But could it be that your upset at him going home, made him reconsider the relationship? Hence the not telling you when he was going, not wanting you to see him off etc.

Ditsy1980 Sat 21-Oct-17 21:24:41

If you're not living together why the hell are you doing his laundry?!?

You already know he's lying. Either someone else was seeing him off or he just didn't want you there.

Use the extra 2 months he's going to be away to move on.

GlitteryFluff Sat 21-Oct-17 21:26:27

How do you know if he actually left the country ??

That's the first thing I thought ^

Ditsy1980 Sat 21-Oct-17 21:26:50

Also, was you going with him ever an option? I'd be mad if my OH was to go away for a month without me. I understand he hadn't seen his family in such a long time but it would have been perfect for you to go and meet them.

NoArmaniNoPunani Sat 21-Oct-17 21:27:10

Definitely sounds dodgy

SonicBoomBoom Sat 21-Oct-17 21:28:19

You don't trust him (most likely for good reason). It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.

Call it a day.

Therealslimshady1 Sat 21-Oct-17 21:29:01

Ehm, this just sounds really bad.

Will you sit at home and wait for him? Do you talk? (Skype/facetime)? Does he have a wife and family in his home country?

SomethingNewToday Sat 21-Oct-17 21:29:42

Going home to see a secret wife/dc?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Sat 21-Oct-17 21:29:43

Why on earth are you doing his washing? And to dailymailreaders I'm married to a migrant too and I encourage and support my wife's two yearly visits home to her family and to see her mum but these are discussed in advance and planned to fit in around our commitments at home.

Glumglowworm Sat 21-Oct-17 21:31:36

Sounds very dodgy

If you don't live together and don't have kids, it's easy enough to LTB

I couldn't tolerate the lies and deception.

Blackcatonthesofa Sat 21-Oct-17 21:34:31

I have dumped an ex for a lot less lies than this. There is no real relationship for me if I can't trust someone.

TemptressofWaikiki Sat 21-Oct-17 21:35:03

Maybe he's gone with his wife...? That all sounds dodgy as hell, to be so vague about the dates and departure. That said, I would find it a bit suffocating if my DH were to berate me for going to my original country for a month.

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