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Sister lost husband and moving on too soon

(127 Posts)
Pipsqueaked Sat 21-Oct-17 16:54:10

My BIL sadly passed away 2 years ago. Him and DSis have 2 children now 10 and 12.

After a year my sister met someone new (who seems a really lovely man) and they are now talking about moving in together. My Neices are devastated and say it's too soon.

My sister says she is in love and finally happy again and that the girls love her partner so will come around once they realise he isn't going replacing BIL.

I don't know what to do. Me and sister have never been close (she's a lot older than me) but our parents are really concerned and have said if it's too soon for the girls it should be too soon for her as well. My sister has asked me to talk them round because she says they will listen to me but I don't know what I can do. The truth is I do feel for my nieces. AIBU to stay out of it and let them work it out amongst themselves?

Pengggwn Sat 21-Oct-17 16:58:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmysTiara Sat 21-Oct-17 17:02:40

Her sister has asked her to talk everyone round so has made it the op's business.

I would say you don't want to take sides and aren't comfortable speaking to your nieces about it.

bigbluedustbin Sat 21-Oct-17 17:02:49

It’s really nothing to do with you. Would your BIL have wanted her to not be happy? I am sure he would not want her to sacrifice her happiness now.

People grieve differently and there is nothing wrong with having a new relationship after losing someone.

Pipsqueaked Sat 21-Oct-17 17:03:05

I agree it's not my business but she's asked me to speak to our parents because they don't approve.

Me and her have never had a close relationship no big falling out just very different people with different lives. I see her maybe a few times a year but do keep in contact with my neices over Whatsapp. They have both also told me they don't want DP to move in. I tell them to speak to their mum.

Phosphorus Sat 21-Oct-17 17:03:47

The children have lost their father, and will feel the loss more deeply than your sister does.

Losing a spouse isn't in the same league as losing a parent.

That's perfectly normal.

If she waited longer, the children would probably still feel the same.

Your sister isn't doing anything even remotely wrong. It isn't 'too soon'.

Carry on not being close, and leave her alone.

florenceandthefig Sat 21-Oct-17 17:04:29

pengggwn not a helpful response

I think it's a very difficult subject OP. Your sister is entitled to her happiness but I'm not sure if it should come at the expense of her children's.

The real difficulty lies in whether or not her daughters will ever really want her to move on. My DH's father passed away when he was 13 and I'm pretty sure he and his brother never wanted my MIL to meet anyone else which is not fair on her.

Very difficult situation OP

ParadiseCity Sat 21-Oct-17 17:05:01

This situation happened in my family and the 'new' couple have now been happily married c.40 years. So I think you're right to keep out of it!

TractorTedTed Sat 21-Oct-17 17:05:15

I understand it must be hard for your nieces, but think how hard it's been for your sister. I think it's great that she's found happiness again. Judging by her children's ages, she must have been widowed young.

I'm a bit surprised actually at your nieces saying "it's too soon." I can totally imagine them rejecting a potential new step-dad and claiming they don't like him, he's not their real dad etc, but the words "too soon" sound more like they've picked that up from an adult...

I think you're right to keep out of it. Be there for your nieces, by all means, let them confide it you etc, but by no means interfere in your sister's life.

Funnyonion17 Sat 21-Oct-17 17:05:20

So your parents want her to suffer and be miserable for the 'right' amount of time before it's acceptable she finds happiness again?! Madness.

Pipsqueaked Sat 21-Oct-17 17:06:37

To be clear I would not give an opinion if I wasn't being asked for one or being asked to speak to our parents.

Personally, I think it's great she's found someone to make her happy after she's gone through so much. From what I've heard her DP is a fantastic, lovely, supportive man. I am concerned about the girls though, and how much they are still grieving/ desperate for it not to happen.

annandale Sat 21-Oct-17 17:08:03

I don't think it's too soon for her to fall in love but I do think everyone in a household needs to be OK with someone new moving in.

In the circumstances, is the person in question really happy to move in? I would hate to live somewhere i wasnt fully welcome. Has your sister really told him what's going on?

Pengggwn Sat 21-Oct-17 17:08:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heckneck Sat 21-Oct-17 17:08:55

I think 2yrs is reasonable. How long do you expect her to wait? Not as if it's 6 months.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sat 21-Oct-17 17:08:56

I'm sure she could do with your support. She lost her husband and after two whole years is now considering moving in with someone. Try to be happy for you want her to be alone forever? She's been through enough - she doesn't need judgement.

If your nieces are upset then do your best to help them and support them emotionally. Advise your parents to do the same thing.

Pipsqueaked Sat 21-Oct-17 17:09:22

Maybe you are right and they wouldn't want it to happen whenever it did. They do seem to get on with her DP.

Pipsqueaked Sat 21-Oct-17 17:11:44

Just to be clear I'm not saying it's too soon or judging her at all. My parents are concerned about their grandchildren. My sister wants me to tell them it isn't too soon and they will adjust. I'm uncomfortable saying this as I do understand why my parents are worried. I would rather say nothing but I don't want to upset my sister or appear to be judging her as well.
I don't want her to be alone forever. Obviously.

GreenTulips Sat 21-Oct-17 17:12:11

I doubt your sister will just move him in, and no doubt the girls have met him and he's stayed over

You need to be more positive with your nieces.

Somerville Sat 21-Oct-17 17:12:17

Your title is unpleasant: the whole moving on too soon thing. Keeping on going with life and finding new happiness (from whatever kind of source) is really important after such a horrendous loss (which I too have experienced).

Personally for me I couldn't have let things get serious with my chap (now my second husband) if my dependant kids didn't like him. I'd have continued seeing him, but not married him/moved in with him until they left home, in that situation I think.

But these girls do like him, you say? So it would be interesting to work out why the're unhappy with him moving in. It might just be because various relatives are being judgmental about it being too soon. Or saying he'll replace their dad or some bilge.

Since you think it's too soon, you should stay out of it. You won't be able to help your sister or her children - they need love and patience and kindness, not judgments.

LittleCandle Sat 21-Oct-17 17:12:30

The person who needs to do the talking here is not you - it is your sister. Only she can explain how she feels and she needs to talk to her children and parents.

Personally, I would not be happy moving a guy in or getting married if my kids were unhappy about that, but it can be a difficult one. Your sister is entitled to her happiness and her children might never be ready for another man in their mum's life. They are still quite young, so might not be ready to hear what their mum has to say. But if I were you, I would keep well clear. It is not your job to sort this out.

Bruceishavingfish Sat 21-Oct-17 17:12:50

They will find it hard whenever it happens.

She needs to help them though. Have they ever had counselling after losing their dad? Even if they have maybe they could do with some more.

Your parents and you should be supportive of all of them and help them through it. Its not fair for your sister to never have seripis relationship again. Its also unrealistic.

Ethylred Sat 21-Oct-17 17:13:59

Tell your parents that you're really happy that your sister has found someone. And, instead of telling your nieces to talk to their mother, tell them the same thing. Don't, however, even suggest that they should be happy too, because it won't do any good.

Duckstar Sat 21-Oct-17 17:14:40

I think you are a little bit AIBU, but I understand it’s difficult. She’s been through losing her husband and bringing up 2 bereaved children on her own. She has found someone else, who it sounds like the children like. I think I’d be saying to my parents we need to support her decisions - but also the girls. This is a massive change in their lives and they all need your support.

SeaCabbage Sat 21-Oct-17 17:14:44

But no one is saying that the sister can't have a relationship! They are saying it is very soon for the guy to move in.

Leaving aside the fact that these kids' father has died, personally I think it is too soon to move a guy in when you have only been seeing him a year. It is a lot to ask of two pre-pubescent girls.

Why can't they just carry on as they are for a while? It might make for a smoother journey.

With regard to getting involved, your nieces and your sister have asked you to get involved so why not? Say what you think to them all, be truthful.

fairyofallthings Sat 21-Oct-17 17:15:05

I think you need to keep out of it from the point of view of not saying that you think that it's too soon but be available for your nieces if they are struggling with the new step-dad to be or the concept of Mum remarrying as they may well be feeling like she has forgotten their father or is trying to replace him as father as well as husband. New husband is fine, new father not so much.

She's bound to need support as well, perhaps if you handle this right you can support her and your nieces. Do try not to get involved with a family row over this would be my advice, presumably you want your sister and nieces to be happy and fanning the flames of a family row won't achieve this and won't make you happy in the long run.

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