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Aibu to not invite BIL to our wedding?

(73 Posts)
Frouby Sat 21-Oct-17 12:15:57

We get married next year. Small venue with service and a meal followed by disco and a buffet. Around 50 for day, up to 120 for night.

I have a large family. Bil is my sisters husband. I can not stand him. Neither can my dp. Nor can my other sister. He is a complete and utter knobhead.

He and my dsis split up about 2 years ago after he cheated on her. She left him, made a new life for her and the dcs. Dnephew is currently going through a tough time. He is being assessed for ADHD and some other stuff. Bil has been involved and as a consequence of dnephews problems dsis has agreed to try again.

I think she is making a massive mistake. But it's absolutely her choice.

Bil and dsis still live separately. They are on again, off again, on again, off again.

If I invite him he will be loud and obnoxious and lairy for the whole day. He will get drunk, be rude to people and try and be the centre of attention. He is like an overgrown toddler hyped up on haribo and overtired.

I really don't want him to come. But as mu dsis 'd' h I have to invite him don't I?

They are currently on again. If I didn't have to get everyone elses invitations out I would wait until they were off again, then send her an invite.

Please tell me some weird wedding etiquette thing that means you don't have to invite cheating bastard bils as it's bad karma or something.

confusedlittleone Sat 21-Oct-17 12:22:35

Can you talk to your dsis about it first? At the end of the day you only have to invite who you want, but I'd test the waters first if you don't want it to cause an issue

Myheartbelongsto Sat 21-Oct-17 12:28:13

No way would I invite him, no way!

Santawontbelong Sat 21-Oct-17 12:29:41

It's your day. .
We uninvited mil. . .
No regrets.

PurpleMinionMummy Sat 21-Oct-17 12:30:18

If they're on/off and don't live together I don't think you do. How will your ds react though?

donquixotedelamancha Sat 21-Oct-17 12:31:32

"I have to invite him don't I?"

No. Of course not. It's your wedding, you invite who you want.

But your DSis can always decline the invite, so the advice above to sound her out first is wise.

If you want your DSis to come, and think she'll be offended by your honesty, you have another option: speak to BIL and ask him not to act like a dick. There's nothing wrong with politely explaining to someone which parts of their behaviour aren't appreciated.

Frouby Sat 21-Oct-17 12:41:15

I have chatted about it with my dmum. She says invite who I want. But dsis likely to be offended. Bil will be massively offended and it could be awkward at other family do's.

If I asked him not to be a dick he will likely ramp it up just to annoy me. He is that much of a wankerbastard. My other lovely sister has moved 10 miles away to stop him dropping to hers constantly with a crate of lagers to 'hang out' with her dp who also doesn't particularly like him. Apparently her dp saying he wasn't drinking and was having an early night as working next day wasn't ever enough.

Sigh. He is just such a fucking cockwomble. I can't win with this. If I invite him I will be on edge all day. If I don't at best dsis will be mildly offended, possibly majorly offended. And bil will be furious.

There is also poor dnephew to consider who will wonder why everyone apart from his dad (who he adores) isn't there.

Do you think it's ethical to pray that they have a massive bust up next week, write her an invite out quickly while it's off then say that he can't be invited due to numbers?

handslikecowstits Sat 21-Oct-17 12:45:29

On balance I'd not invite him and be prepared for the fall out. You're dammed either way so much better to get the arguments out of the way now. Be open and say exactly why you're not inviting him.

That's genuinely what I would do. Yes, I have rows but everyone knows where they stand.

Or elope. grin

babyturtles Sat 21-Oct-17 12:49:48

Just don't send her invite out until they're 'off'. If she asks why she's not got one and everyone else has, blame the post office...

Frouby Sat 21-Oct-17 12:51:43

I would love to elope. But would have to have a party when we got back. And then would be in the same position.

Every family has an Uncle Knobhead I suppose.

I might ask dsis if she wants him to actually come given the fact she doesn't actually seem to like him most of the time. Say I will take one for the team for the sake of her having some peace and quiet on the day.

confusedlittleone Sat 21-Oct-17 12:52:00

@babyturtles and if they aren't off between now and the wedding?

AJPTaylor Sat 21-Oct-17 12:57:44

i wouldnt send an invite to them at this stage. just send invites if you need to to extended family and friends. and bide your time to send them to close family. but i wouldnt invite him.

BewareOfDragons Sat 21-Oct-17 12:58:44

How is your relationship with your DSIS, just you and her? If it's decent, can you not just sit down with her and tell her, honestly, that you really want her at your wedding, but that you have legitimate concerns that her on again/off again husband will go out of his day to ruin your day? Cite past behaviour big events, small events, family events. Ask her if she would truly mind if he wasn't invited, because you don't really want him there ruining it for you, her and everyone else.

HolyShet Sat 21-Oct-17 12:59:06

invite him &
keep him off the booze
put him on an obscure table with people who can handle it
assign someone to be his minder


talk to your sister and ask her what she thinks

FizzyGreenWater Sat 21-Oct-17 13:01:48

If I asked him not to be a dick he will likely ramp it up just to annoy me. He is that much of a wankerbastard. My other lovely sister has moved 10 miles away to stop him dropping to hers constantly with a crate of lagers to 'hang out' with her dp who also doesn't particularly like him. Apparently her dp saying he wasn't drinking and was having an early night as working next day wasn't ever enough.

He sounds appalling.

You're worrying about offending him and making things difficult, but it's fine for your wedding to be potentially spoiled by this twat and for you to then hate him forever, because you'd just suck that up of course and there wouldn't be any family fallout at all. Noooo, the person who must not be offended at all costs is the twat who will take it out on everyone else.

Do your sister a MASSIVE favour and don't pussyfoot on this one. Tell her you aren't gonig to have him there because of the way he is and you don't care about offending him when he's the type to go out of his way to offend others. Maybe it will make her have the sense to see that by staying with him, she's not actually doing herself or her child any favours at all. Maybe it will be the final push to make her walk away.

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 21-Oct-17 13:02:15

Don't invite him. Let your sister know you love her and you're aware it might upset her but one of the reasons you can't bear to have him there is his appalling treatment of her.

It's your day - why have a complete wanker there tainting it? You have a choice.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 21-Oct-17 13:02:44

Speak to your sister. I’d perhaps go with the angle that you don’t like the way he treats her at times and you don’t want to worry about what he may do at your wedding. Tell her he acts up, drinks too much and you are worried he will spoil the party. Tell her that you support and love her and you don’t want their marital issues being played out at your wedding both for her, your nephew and you. I assume being on/off means their relationship is rocky so I hope my assumptions are correct.

NightTimeIhadaBrainChange Sat 21-Oct-17 13:03:10

My mother finally agreed that, if I were to ever get married, I needn't invite my sibling. This is a few years after her saying that they would have to have a special job to do on the day so they felt important. At the time sibling was in her 40s, not a young child! I know fine well that there would be tantrums due to the fact she was not the centre of attention (as happened at my graduation - one being due to the fact she wasn't in the centre of the family photograph), and probably come out with a story about something that happened to her in order to get some attention (last wedding we were at together, she told my mother she'd been raped (she later admitted it was a lie) which meant my mother and a few others spent the whole evening consoling her.

Don't invite him as he'll only, deliberately, spoil your day.

FizzyGreenWater Sat 21-Oct-17 13:04:05

And no you don't 'take one for the team' on your wedding day.

That doesn't do anything except ensure that the whole team is fucked.

Especially don't do it when it's quite possible that wankstain will be history in a year or two.

4men1lady Sat 21-Oct-17 13:07:37

We didn’t invite a very good friends other half, they were constantly on/off/on/off..quite frankly I wasn’t prepared to give a place to someone who could possibly end up not coming when they were plenty of other people of who could take that place. I don’t regret it one bit. Could you have a private word with your sister and explain it for that reason? She may be more understanding if she realises it could mess up before then?

diddl Sat 21-Oct-17 13:11:36

"My other lovely sister has moved 10 miles away to stop him dropping to hers constantly with a crate of lagers to 'hang out' with her dp who also doesn't particularly like him."

Did they ever try not letting him in??

No one seems to tells him no, do they?

PyongyangKipperbang Sat 21-Oct-17 13:14:00

As I posted on another similar thread, you are going to have some fall out either way so you might as well go for the option that gives you the wedding you want.

Option A - he comes, ruins the day, you are stressed and you and/or DH fall out with him and probably your sister as a result.

Option B - he doesnt come, you have a relaxing and enjoyable wedding and fall out with him and probably your sister as a result.

A fall out is inevitable, (and perhaps making it clear how disliked he is by her family may make him fuck off for good), so you might as well have the nice wedding if you are going to have a row anyway.

diddl Sat 21-Oct-17 13:14:24

If they don't live together & are on/off-how is that good for your nephew?

If he's a good dad he can support/help his son without being with his mum!

Inertia Sat 21-Oct-17 13:15:46

Your two options are:

1- Don't invite him. There might be a family row and your sister might not come,but it'll happen before the wedding .

2- Invite him. He'll be an utter knob and deliberately ruin your day, and probably upset your entire family. There will still be a row, but it'll happen on your wedding day itself.

I'd go for option 1.

Inertia Sat 21-Oct-17 13:16:29

Cross posted with Pyong there!

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