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AIBU to feel disappointed and hurt?

(113 Posts)
Cygnet44 Sat 21-Oct-17 12:02:45

Quick overview of my situation:
Have been with DP for a little over 3 years, we have both turned 50 this year and have been previously married, have our own grown up DC etc. We have a fantastic relationship and we love each other dearly, he is loving and thoughtful.
We do not live together but see each other regularly; I stay over most weekends etc.
We have recently been talking about buying a house together; my house is on the market, we have viewed a couple and spoken to a mortgage advisor.
Before I met my DP, my best friend and I planned and saved for a 50th birthday trip of a lifetime to New York. When I met my DP, he was invited, so it turned into 4 of us going; my best friend took her DH. We have just returned from this 7 night trip and we had an amazing time. However it was spoilt for me by the actions and inaction of my DP and I just cannot believe he did the following to me:

In the run up to this trip, on two occasions, my DP said to me he may propose to me; the first time he said this I felt it was said off the cuff, I responded that he can't say things like that and not follow through because I would be disappointed if it didn't happen and it could ruin my trip.
The second time about 3 weeks before we went, he was telling me about a conversation he had had with a friend and he told me he had said to his friend he may even propose to me on the top of the Empire State building and that he was confident if he asked me, I would say yes. I said that would be amazing and I would probably cry with happiness.
Fast forward to this last week; we went to Empire State building and no proposal, nothing, no acknowledgement of it at all. I ended up feeling very hurt and disappointed, even rejected.
I decided not to say anything because I didn't want it to ruin my trip.
But my DP reads me like a book, because a day later he asked me what was up. I had to tell him the truth; I was disappointed, I couldn't understand why he had said it and then not followed through etc.

I just want to make it clear at this point that I had no expectations about getting engaged to this man anytime soon, if he hadn't said anything it would not have been an issue for me. The issue is he said it, he put the idea in my head and gave me an expectation, then failed to do anything. He knows that at some stage in our relationship I would like us to marry eventually. I truly thought that with our plans to buy a home together and the recent activity relating to this that this was the next natural step he wanted to take by saying it.

He didn't have an answer for me, in fact he went silent, no explanation, and a biggie for me; absolutely no acknowledgement of my feelings and no apology. Instead he suggested we go to Macy's and he will buy me a 'commitment' ring. I asked what does that even look like or mean and he said he didn't know! This actually made it worse for me and I told him it's not what I want and it's obviously not want he really wants either as no thought had gone into this.

I put all my feelings aside and went on to make sure I enjoyed every minute of my visit. We still had fun together because we are best friends as well as lovers and he is great to be around.
But I had a grey cloud over this and it has made me really question our relationship.

We arrived home to his place yesterday; we talked and I got upset; I told him I felt his behaviour was cruel and I am deeply hurt, even more so because of his inability to tell me why he said it and then didn't do anything, I said if he really wanted to, he would have done it. He said he didn't know if he wanted commitment, wished he had kept his mouth shut and really didn't set out to purposely upset me.

I was planning on staying the rest of the weekend but I made a decision to go straight home and stay there for the weekend. I got up to leave and he was surprised I was going. He asked me to stay the night and I said no. He then said come back tomorrow and we'll go and get a ring. I was gobsmacked! I said no, I'm not coming back, it's not how I want it to be, I don't want this if it's not what he wants too, that I feel he's only doing this to make me feel better, I don't want a sympathy ring.

I left with us both in tears and now I'm at home. The more I think about the whole situation, the more upset and angry I become. I feel hurt, rejected, and cannot believe he has done this to us, I'm still none the wiser.
I haven't spoken to him since, we've had the odd text message, the last one being this morning asking me how I'm feeling. I've not replied as yet, I don't know what else to say to him that I haven't already said.
AIBU to feel like this, am I overreacting?
I just feel it's cruel to raise someone's expectations and then dash them without explanation or apology.

SleepFreeZone Sat 21-Oct-17 12:09:06

Your not overreacting no but where is your relationship now? If he asks you to marry him it will be because you've backed him into a corner. If he doesn't ask you you feel like the relationship has no future because he doesn't want to commit. I don't think buying a house with him right now is a good idea.

Santawontbelong Sat 21-Oct-17 12:11:24

It would be the end of the road for me op. .

splendidisolation Sat 21-Oct-17 12:11:52

No, you're not overreacting.

Does he own his own place?

Having said that I can actually understand someone (him) getting all frenzied and excited about the idea and then feeling unsure when the moment comes. Its not fair, right or mature, but I see how it would happen.

Forget about him offering OP - is marriage something you want or need? Reflect and find the answer to that question and then have a very open conversation with him and get to the bottom of both your wants.

DancesWithOtters Sat 21-Oct-17 12:18:14

What a tit. Why did he even suggest it, not once but twice?

If he's not sure he wants commitment then I wouldn't want to wait around for him to decide.

WhoWants2Know Sat 21-Oct-17 12:24:44

It was a really stupid thing for him to say, let alone twice. Maybe instead of making any drastic decisions now, just tell him you need some space?

Take some time doing your own thing and feeling good in yourself before spending time with him. See friends, have your own fun. Your sun doesn't rise and set over him and whether he proposes. And he needs to know that.

The question is hanging over you both now and you won't feel confident if he does propose, and you'll go in circles of will he/won't he.

Take some time, and then if you want to see him again then just slow it right down so you don't repeat the cycle.

AdalindSchade Sat 21-Oct-17 12:29:44

I'm not a big fan of women waiting around for perfect proposals but in this case he was a complete tit and you're not unreasonable to be upset! It's more about the fact that he intimated he wanted that level of commitment and has now apparently changed his mind.
But. Take issues of non proposals and Empire State buildings out of your mind and have a proper grown up conversation with him about where you're headed. It doesn't mean you have to get engaged right now but he needs to tell you what he wants.

Cygnet44 Sat 21-Oct-17 12:49:09

Thanks everyone
No he doesn't own his own place; after the sale of his marital home he decided to rent.

I don't want him to feel backed into a corner to marry me, or even get engaged to me, I want it to be because he wants that too. This is why I have refused the offer of any kind of ring right now.

He text me last night and said he has been a complete prat (I agree) and he wishes he'd never opened his mouth or that he had gone through with it! How confusing is that?!

Remember I had no expectations before he said what he said.
I'm so upset that he has done this to us and even more so during the trip of a lifetime I had planned before he came into my life. It has made me think this isn't the relationship I thought it was. I will be taking my house off the market and I won't be living with him anytime soon. I haven't told him this yet.

He has just text me again asking if I want to talk. I've replied saying no, I need space and time, his response - ok
I have no intention of seeing him in the next week, I'm going to take care of me.

splendidisolation Sat 21-Oct-17 12:52:44

Cynical side of me wonders if the talk of engagement was aimed at speeding things up on the house front so that he would be back on the property ladder again thanks to you.

Just an idea, only you can know.

Good thinking re take care of you x

JigglyTuff Sat 21-Oct-17 12:54:39

What an utter knobber

JigglyTuff Sat 21-Oct-17 12:55:43

And I'm glad you're taking your house off the market. I would seriously be questioning the future of your relationship and would definitely not move in with him

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 21-Oct-17 13:00:05

Wishes he'd shut up or 'gone through with it' - like it's an ordeal angry

He doesn't get it does he.

Great idea to look after you right now.

Heckneck Sat 21-Oct-17 13:00:16

Yadnbu he has been an idiot. If you do want a marriage though I'd think long and hard about continuing on with someone who quite evidently isn't interested in that kind of committment. On the other hand, if your relationship is good normally then why worry about a ring and piece of paper?

Twitchingdog Sat 21-Oct-17 13:02:14

Good please don't buy a house with a man that can this to you .

ReanimatedSGB Sat 21-Oct-17 13:04:31

There's a certain type of man who sees The Proposal as a kind of doggy treat. He will hint around the subject, but not actually, you know, propose, so that the woman is excited and full of anticipation... and making the effort to be nice to him.

But that advantage is too delicious for him to give away. He can stall a bit, and if she says anything, can claim that the 'moment wasn't right' and then start hinting again, so as to get more compliant, man-pleasing behaviour out of her. At some point, if she's forgotten her place and criticizes or disagrees with him, he can do the sadface and tell her he had been about to propose only she blew it.

But doggy never gets the treat, because that would be Game Over.

Moanyoldcow Sat 21-Oct-17 13:04:39

If he's not sure about wanting commitment then why is he buying a house with you? He sounds calculating.

I'm a bit of a cynic but I'd be reconsidering the entire relationship for sure.

crimsonlake Sat 21-Oct-17 13:08:51

Thoughtless and emotionally immature springs to mind here, but we are after all talking about a man in his 50s.
I would not burn your bridges and take time to re evaluate your relationship. I certainly advise against selling your home and committing yourself financially with this man, eventually renting it out may be a better option depending upon how you decide to move forward.

BewareOfDragons Sat 21-Oct-17 13:09:09

I don't think I'd be joining my finances and buying a home with this man, tbh.

He throws the word 'proposal' around and talks about doing it in a romantic setting you're both going to ... and then doesn't.

He doesn't apologize.

He offers to buy you a 'commitment' ring, but immediately admits he doesn't know what it is or what it would mean.

He hasn't been open re whether or not 'he' wants to get married to you, when he knows you expect to get married.

IMO, based on his behaviour, he doesn''t want to marry you but can't bring himself to be honest because he knows he'll lose you. I suggest you lose him.

InternetHoopJumper Sat 21-Oct-17 13:20:19


Sorry, this happened. I had a partner do this a few times to me and even though it was a promise I never asked for or even hinted at, I was disappointed that it was an empty promise and it made me wonder if he somehow felt like he had to placate me. Our relationship eventually ended over my growing list of things he did that frustrated me, of which empty promises was one.

In your situation, perhaps you can go back to casual dating for a while to see if that works out and if it doesn't, maybe break up. It's probably for the best that you took your house off the market with things being so unsure now.

nameusername Sat 21-Oct-17 13:21:01

After 3 years, you should both be able to talk about marriage in a healthy and mature way. He seems to be romanticizing the proposal and having cold feet and dragging his feet doing the deed. How old is he? Commitment ring.

YANBU. Whatever his actions post your talk is just to placate you now that you know his true feelings. Please don't waste anymore time with a flaky man who selfishly kept you in limbo after raising your expectations.

Aeroflotgirl Sat 21-Oct-17 13:21:28

Take time out for you. Yes he was a prat, mabey he got swept up with the idea, but is not yet ready for committment. For the rest of the relationship is fine, than continue. I certainly wod not be buying a property with him, take it slowly and just like the beginning. I don't think he's ready for commitment at the moment, that means buying a property with you.

innagazing Sat 21-Oct-17 13:21:35

I agree it's cruel of him to discuss it with you twice, before even deciding whether the commitment to you is what he actually wants.
In reality, it could be said that buying a house is just as big commitment, and I think you're right not to go ahead with this at least for the foreseeable future.
As a fifty something woman with a dc myself, and property and other investments, I will never marry as I want to be very sure that my daughter inherits everything I have built up, with no added complications for her when the time comes. But I'm an old cynic

Tilapia Sat 21-Oct-17 13:30:38

How did his previous marriage end? Maybe it was very awful and acrimonious?

If so, I can sort of understand him wanting to commit to you but also feeling very nervous about it. He has behaved stupidly and I can see why you’re upset, but I wouldn’t throw away the whole relationship because of this. I do agree with putting the brakes on about buying a house together though. He needs to decide whether he’s ready to make a commitment or not.

whatsavings Sat 21-Oct-17 13:31:57

If he wanted to propose, nothing on earth would have stopped him.

He is now panicking that he's shown his hand too soon, and that he's losing the chance to own another house, with you standing to lose the deposit & equity on your old property.

Cancel your house sale. Stay put, & thank god for a close escape.

Huskylover1 Sat 21-Oct-17 13:32:54

What on earth was he thinking? To hint that he would propose, at the top of the Empire State building, and then to take you there, and NOT propose, sounds almost sadistic in nature.

I really feel for you. To be leaving the Empire State, having had nothing happen, after all of that anticipation, must have been absolutely crushing.

I wouldn't reply to any of his texts. I'd ignore him. See how he deals with that, because he would need to make an enormous gesture now, to have any chance of getting this relationship back on track.

And like a PP said, the sun doesn't rise and fall with him. Let him squirm.

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