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AIBU to tell SAHM not to send nanny + sibling to the party?

(138 Posts)
discorules Sat 21-Oct-17 09:24:55

For the past 2 years at my daughters 6 year old and 7 year old birthday parties (approx 20 kids each time), one mother has rsvp'ed for her daughter and then on the day sent her nanny to stay for the whole party along with a toddler (was 2yo then 3yo). Both times I have swallowed it, handed the nanny a glass of champagne, scrambled an extra chair at the party table and party bag for the sibling, and never mentioned my "surprise" to the mother. I do think it is extremely bad manners though.
This year, I am determined that this will not happen; I'm over being reasonable, and we now have a bigger class so we have to invite 24 kids!
My thinking goes like this; the girls are now 8 and don't need a nanny at the party. I feel like this mother has used my daughter's birthday party as a convenient activity for the younger sibling for the past 2 parties. I'd never met the nanny or the sibling prior to the 6 yo party, so there's no social connection and unlikely to be one.
By way of background...
I would count the mother as an acquaintance, not a friend, and her daughter as a classmate of my daughters but not a particularly close friendship. I'm actually fine with some of the friendly mums who come along with a sibling (they flag it in advance), they help out a bit and they socialise with the other mums. I have a big problem with a SAHM (inherited big $$$ - jealous!) who sends her kids off with the nanny on Saturday afternoons (no idea what she's doing instead but it must be important) and whilst the mother is welcome to come and have a glass of wine whilst the kids are entertained, she chooses not too (I'll admit there's some social rejection "hurt" in there...I'm clearly not worth her time to hang out with!). I don't want to socialise with her nanny or cater for a surprise sibling this year. How do I say something to stop it happening a third time without seeming rude? Plus, there's always a random chance that some time in the future her daughter could become my daughters best friend, so no need to cause WWIII. AIBU? TIA!

QuiteLikely5 Sat 21-Oct-17 09:30:34

How about you pick your battles wisely? I could not get het up about this.

She does not want to be your friend or drink your wine - on the other hand the baby does so how about just getting on with your life and focussing on other things

TwitterQueen1 Sat 21-Oct-17 09:30:47

The mother is under no obligation to come and stay at the party - I certainly didn't stay at parties my daughters went to at that age. And she's employing a nanny to deal with these kinds of occasion.

If you don't want the nanny and younger sibling to attend you can just put a note on the invite about drop off / pick up required only, and that you don't expect parents / carers to stay. Or when child is delivered just say "thanks very much! see you in a couple of hours.!

JigglyTuff Sat 21-Oct-17 09:30:57

Take your jealousy etc out of it - it’s irrelevant. Write ‘sorry, no siblings!’ on the invitation. And take the invitee from the nanny and brightly say ‘collection is at 4pm’ or whatever and shut the door in her face.

Shadow666 Sat 21-Oct-17 09:31:30

Word the invitation carefully. Sorry, no space for siblings and drop of at 3pm/pick up at 5pm. That sort of thing. Then if the nanny and sibling turn up just say thanks for dropping her off, see you at 5pm.

gingercat02 Sat 21-Oct-17 09:32:33

Don't let her send the younger sib unless other people do but don't get the difference between the nanny and a mum being there for the party. I want kids parties where you get champagne

NataliaOsipova Sat 21-Oct-17 09:33:18

I think you need to separate some of the elements of this. It wasn't rude for her nanny to bring the invited child; you invited the DD to the party. Is she snubbing you by doing so? Maybe, but by no means necessarily (although she certainly isn't taking advantage of the opportunity to spend time with you - but then again, it's a party for her DD and not for her).

Sending the sibling without asking or checking if it's okay? That's rude - but it's rude whether or not it's the mother or the nanny who brings her. If it bothers you particularly, just send a text along the lines of "regret no space for siblings this year, but you're welcome to drop off and collect later".

grasspigeons Sat 21-Oct-17 09:34:30

Well it is a bit rude to send an uninvited child to a party but I don't really understand the nanny fixation.

splendidisolation Sat 21-Oct-17 09:35:29

I think its funny you dont want to socialise with the nanny.

I mean i get it, i understand, its just weird theres this invisible divide

NikiBabe Sat 21-Oct-17 09:37:42

I have a big problem with a SAHM (inherited big $$$ - jealous!) who sends her kids off with the nanny on Saturday afternoons


Your dd is now 8. She is quite frankly getting too old for whole class parties. You dont even mention if this other child and her are good friends but I assume not as you dont mention any social interaction outside of the birthdays and you speakof her maybe one day being the best friend.

If you feel hostile to the childs mother dont invite the child in fact dont invite any children your child isnt close friends with now she is 8. Invite who she is close friends with and that is that or take her and a few close friends out for an activity.

Gizlotsmum Sat 21-Oct-17 09:38:21

The sibling thing is rude if not asked before.

I wouldn’t get hung up on the Nanny coming, you say you feel she snubs you but you are being snobby to the Nanny.

I think your issues with the mums money and Nanny are clouding your argument.

RabbitSaysWoof Sat 21-Oct-17 09:39:07

You sound like a snob.
You want to 'hang out' with this woman you who has $$$, even though you don't agree with how she lives her life and judge her. The nanny who works for a living, you are offended by her being there.

Walkerbean16 Sat 21-Oct-17 09:40:48

What's the difference between socialising with the mum or the Nanny? You sound a bit snobby.

NapQueen Sat 21-Oct-17 09:40:56

You sneer at her for her $$$ inheretance yet dole out champagne at kids parties?!

NancyDonahue Sat 21-Oct-17 09:41:15

Your problem with the nanny is unreasonable. The parents of the invited child can send her with who they like - grandparent/neighbour/friend/NANNY.

Just write 'Sorry, no space for siblings, invited children only' on the invitation and get on with enjoying planning the party.

fourandnomore Sat 21-Oct-17 09:41:35

Without going into a multitude of reasons why she can't manage to come herself and why she has a nanny on a Saturday (she might do some freelance work or something for instance) just put can't accommodate siblings due to numbers sorry on the invitation or put drop off and pick up times. At 8 they don't really need supervision unless you want a few parents/nannies to stay for crowd control. Here loads of grandparents, au pairs, nannies and parents/step parents bring kids to parties, I would never take it personally so try not to feel like that.

unicornface Sat 21-Oct-17 09:43:58

Is the child happy to be left? I have a DD with quite bad anxiety so she wanted me to stay until aged 9 or 10. won't be a surprise this year either so why not let it go and see if the nanny would like to socialise a bit and join in with helping? Is it worth the bad feeling?

TBH if I were the mother and everyone was a bit sniffy that I has inherited money I would send the nanny along too! Weekend afternoon kids party duty is never really fun no matter how much we all pretend otherwise.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sat 21-Oct-17 09:44:03

Why do non of the kids parties I have to go to have champagne?
YABU & you sound quite snobby, however, just state drop off & pick up & leave it at that.

WorraLiberty Sat 21-Oct-17 09:44:10

It's a bit of a piss take but it's only once a year so I couldn't get fussed about it tbh.

WRT your attitude towards her being a SAHM and her income etc

Well I'm not surprised she doesn't want to hang out with you. I wouldn't either.

Laceup Sat 21-Oct-17 09:47:31

One of my close friends came about because the mother always sent the nanny to the play date.and I'm glad she did,I now have a lovely friend

unicornface Sat 21-Oct-17 09:47:33

You also can't really put 'no siblings' on the invite because you're happy for your freinds to bring their younger children along.

Well done for being honest about your jealousy, I don't think that's always an easy thing to admit.

greendale17 Sat 21-Oct-17 09:47:36

YANBU- why does the sibling have to come when the nanny can keep them entertained?

Just tell the mother that siblings are not invited

Ecureuil Sat 21-Oct-17 09:48:16

It’s rude to bring siblings along without an invitation.
I really, really don’t get your issue with the nanny though. Is she a nice person? Why would you rather socialise with the mum (who you don’t seem to like all that much) than her?
I’m a SAHM. My mum regularly has my DD’s on a Saturday afternoon while DH and I have a couple of hours together (we go out for lunch, or shopping, or just do jobs round the house in peace!). She’s taken the girls to a party on a Saturday afternoon in the past. If I had a nanny, I would happily send them off to a party with the nanny!

Notonthestairs Sat 21-Oct-17 09:50:41

For her to have inherited someone close to her will have died. Believe me that not how anyone wants to gain money.

Just so no space for siblings and leave it that.

SoupDragon Sat 21-Oct-17 09:51:03

handed the nanny a glass of champagne


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