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Would you have another child in my situation?

(55 Posts)
AnneSloanePaint Sat 21-Oct-17 01:35:47

One child, extremely intelligent, chatty, wise for their years beyond belief. Wins awards for something they are so talented in and is unusual for their age.

Another child completely and utterly disabled in every way possible, cannot even understand their own name at the age of 6. Will never lead a normal life. Autistic, severe learning difficulties, multiple disorders. Gets halfway through primary school and still can't talk or use the toilet.

Same father. No disabilities either side of the family. You meet a new man and fall pregnant. Would you keep the baby? Or be afraid of it inheriting similar disabilities as the second child?

elliejjtiny Sat 21-Oct-17 01:57:54

I would keep the baby. But then I tend to think with my heart and not my head. You've got a slightly higher chance than average of the baby having autism but not significantly high.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Sat 21-Oct-17 02:01:41

No i wouldn’t. I don’t have a child with a disability but I can’t imagine those additional needs are a picnic for anyone in the family. Why double your workload and stress everyone out with another child to care for?

GetYourRosariesOffMyOvaries Sat 21-Oct-17 02:03:45

No I definitely wouldn't take the risk for current DC sake

AnneSloanePaint Sat 21-Oct-17 02:04:41

Mainly because, the rest of the family are NC or dead. So beyond me, very abled child has no family apart from disabled sibling. Father dead too. Thinking about the future I guess.

BitOfFun Sat 21-Oct-17 02:08:29

I have been in a similar situation (with the important difference that I didn't actually get pregnant a third time). We wanted and talked about children, but as time went on and the difficulties of my younger child lost none of the challenges, decided that it would not really be for the best. We did decide that if I became pregnant accidently, it would probably be better for all of us if it did not continue.

It's really something you have to think deeply but also practically about. There's no right answer, only what's right for you. Personally, I did not think that I would have the strength or energy for mothering a baby in a situation where I was still changing nappies and coping with broken sleep and wild meltdowns with my already-existing disabled child. You have to consider what you feel able to cope with.

elliejjtiny Sat 21-Oct-17 02:09:39

Thought I would add that I have disabled children just for context. But none of them are as severely disabled as yours.

CocoPuffsinGodMode Sat 21-Oct-17 02:11:34

If the risk of severe disabilities is your main concern can your doctor give you any idea what the risk is?

I know that I’d also need to consider how “new” is new man by which I mean how well do you know him, is it a solid relationship, is he reliable, mature enough and willing to be an involved dad? Will you manage financially with or without his involvement?

Italiangreyhound Sat 21-Oct-17 02:15:42

Yes, I would.

I would hope for the best.

Is your new man supportive?

All the best whatever you decide to do.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 21-Oct-17 02:19:09

Can you have testing done to see about the health of the baby?

Garlicansapphire Sat 21-Oct-17 02:21:01

Can you not get any genetic testing to assess the risk?

When I lost a disabled baby I did get the genetic results which showed it was a one off rather than carried in the parental genes. (sorry thats not quite the right technical terms...)

Lostwithinthehills Sat 21-Oct-17 02:23:25

I would have taken steps to make sure I didn’t get pregnant if I was in your situation, however, terminating a pregnancy is a more complicated decision. I can only begin to imagine how tough life is for you and your children and I don’t think having a third child would make things any easier.

How well established is your relationship with your new man? It needs to be secure and long term if you do want to have a new baby because you will need the support and help of a partner.

AnneSloanePaint Sat 21-Oct-17 02:24:38

I am considering getting genetic counselling. I guess what I'm asking is, is there hope for me? Do I have the chance of having a half normal child again? I know no one can truly answer that,, but hearing similar eperiences would help.

enceladus Sat 21-Oct-17 02:25:06

Is this hypothetical or is there a new man already on the scene who you are considering having a baby with, or are you pregnant already? Your chances of having a child with similar disabilities with a new partner are extremely low. There is no defined gene for autism and autism itself is a broad spectrum diagnosis in terms of brain functionality. I would consider a third baby as absolutely ok in your case but as BitOfFun stated, I would also weigh up the stresses of caring for a severely disabled child and adding a third into the mix. Only you know what you can cope with.

ricecakeseverywhere Sat 21-Oct-17 02:25:09

Oh this is so hard op. We are somewhat in similar position - very severe disabilities in family, also mild Sen and one nt dc. I am terrified of falling accidentally pg because I know I would at least have to consider terminating. I would love another baby though.

I don't know what I would do -maybe see if older child can have genetic testing to see if any testable reason can be determined for their condition?
If so then test for it via cvs/amino?
Get referral to kings who are the leading NHS scanning/antenatal testing centre?
Speak to theAntenatal Results and Choices line? They offer amazing non judgmental support

AnneSloanePaint Sat 21-Oct-17 02:45:51

New partner involved, wants a baby. So do I. But its worrying.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Sat 21-Oct-17 02:50:07

Are you pregnant? How new is new partner?

Italiangreyhound Sat 21-Oct-17 02:52:26

Get advice from the right doctor/specialist about chances of this happening again.

How long is new?

MrsOverTheRoad Sat 21-Oct-17 03:04:24

flowers OP you sound so lovely and I don't blame you for worrying. Only you can make this choice...but rest assured that whichever choice you make, you have every right to that choice.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 21-Oct-17 03:51:27

I would and have.

Only you can know what you can cope with or not.

misskelly Sat 21-Oct-17 03:58:54

No, I have a disabled child with a genetic condition and there is no way I could cope with another with similar or more intensive care needs. Neither could I deal with the guilt, sorry, that's just my honest opinion.

ModreB Sat 21-Oct-17 05:10:47

Yes I did. And he was incredible.

MrSnrubYesThatsIt Sat 21-Oct-17 05:16:56

No I wouldn't. I'd have already had an abortion. no question.
I would feel that the disabled child and the first child would fare better without yet another baby thrown into the mix.
why make things harder?

I'm not a great believer in having kids with someone who is a new partner anyway.
how new is the partner?
are you having the baby partly to hold onto him?

AdalindSchade Sat 21-Oct-17 05:51:45

I wouldn't have another child in your circumstances regardless of the risk of disabilities. You have enough on your hands I think. Unless I was totally convinced that the man was going to take the lion's share of caring responsibilities for the new baby throughout its childhood then I would consider it. Not sure I'd ever 100% trust what a man said on that though anyway.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 21-Oct-17 05:52:22

On balance, no I wouldn’t.

Idk whaf you mean about thinking about the future. Are you meaning your elder child will be the only person responsible for you disabled child once you are gone? Your elder child will hopefully do what they can, whatever that means. Having siblings doesn’t necessarily make choices and responsibilities easier.

I would also be thinking of the risk involved. Women do sometimes die through birth complications. That would leave your children with no one.

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