inconsiderate mother in law

[crispyonions]

AIBU to be cross about my inlaws (particularly Mother in law's) behaviour after birth of our son?
Our baby boy was born prematurely. he was fine, just a bit early. as first time parents we were naturally a bit nervous etc (as well as ecstatic obviously) when we brought him home. However a big source of stress for me was the way my in laws went on during and after this time. I want to know are my feelings normal or AIBU...
first sat night after dc home from hospital...mil (who had flu at the time) banged on door/window at 10.45pm. this made dog bark and baby cry and me panic as I'd no idea who was banging on door. by time I settled baby found door key etc she was gone. she continued to call very late at night despite being asked (really nicely) not too as it wasn't convenient with feeding/napping etc. I felt that after visitors all day and looking after dc there came a point that it was nice to settle in for the night (with noone calling at door/having to entertain etc.) btw to avoid confusion mil is not the sort to be coming to lend a hand, more the sort to sit expecting to be waited on hand and foot and wittering on about herself. after a while I got the impression that it was bugging her that she cudnt call at a time that suited her (nocturnal hours) e.g. making a point of calling at 8.30pm one night and making a song and dance about how me and hubby 'had things to get on with, i'll not keep u back' etc then very next night calling at 10.45pm and banging window again (which set dog and baby off)...I really felt this was to annoy me or get at me. wen it came to organising baby's christening the priest had another one before us, so depending on venue he wasn't sure wen we booked it if it wud b at 2 or 3pm. on hearing this mil commented to hubby that I was being deliberately vague on purpose.
Cut to baby's first Christmas...mil turned up unannounced one evening banging door and windows. I was in shower and baby napping. again this woke baby, panicked dog etc and created undue stress in the house. by the time I was decent they were gone. I thought nothing of it as we were due to call to them the next night (thought I'd explain why cudnt get to door then). in interim mil had reported this to all other inlaws, called me every name under the sun, said I had pnd and I deliberately avoided them. she also rang me (pissed as a fart) intent on starting a row with me, and told me I better look after her son and grandson, and I was no longer welcome at her house. I was in tears Xmas eve with annoyance of it all. new years day she rang bold as brass wanting to come up to see baby. for sake of my hubby's feelings and to keep the peace I said she was more than welcome to call. however it was only wen she arrived I realised she was drunk!
this was all a while ago now but looking back I wonder was I being unreasonable to let her irritate me so much or is she selfish and beyond inconsiderate? I do definitely regret having any of the above events as a memory of my baby's first days/months. I will always be civil to her as she is mil BUT in every other sense i want absolutely nothing to do with her and think very little of her. AIBU??

[Santawontbelong]

Ywbvu to not have lamped her one.

[CallMeDollFace]

YANBU. Civil but most definitely detached is the way forward.

[Neverknowing]

I would just be getting my DP to deal with her. What an idiot.

[Neverknowing]

Your mil not you or your dp

[crispyonions]

thank you! I was tempted to several times😊

[LagunaBubbles]

You haven't mentioned your partner at all, what on earth does he make of his Mums behaviour?

[crispyonions]

partner has love/hate relationship with mum, he felt caught in middle of it all and just wanted to keep the peace. think mil has a lot of 'issues' and he's learned over time that to ignore madness is the best policy. although this didn't really help me at the time😐 tbh it caused a lot of stress between us at the time...which I think is precisely what she wanted (ie some attention). very very very frustrating for me as it was classic it's alright for him to slag her off but noone else and at end of day he's her mum. I still get frustrated now thinking about it! advice from my own family was to be civil but detached from her (as callmedollface has advised...thank you!). but it's really hard at times. there was times tbh I remember thinking of I'd realised I had all that to deal with I'm not sure I wud ve married him as I wanted him to stick up for me more 😟 bit tbf with regards his mum he's seen it all and worse before so it's not his fault.

[crispyonions]

she's his mum😂

[Aquamarine1029]

1. Tell your husband to man-up and deal with his insane mother.
   
2. Your MIL is insane.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

Is your MIL addicted to alcohol?

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

And where is your husband when your MIL is banging on your door late at night?

[Nanny0gg]

No your DH isn't 'in the middle'.

Or he shouldn't be.

[crispyonions]

yep she has a lot of problems what iv had to deal with is only scratching surface really. sods law dictated hubby wasn't there for major incidents. he works late anyway. and at time (annoyingly enough) he'd be slagging her off but yet not manning up and telling her to bog off wen she called. total love/hate relationship. also he wud disappear into kitchen as he didn't really want to talk to her. although iv found if I say nothing he gets cross at her all on his own and then shouts (while I'm inwardly smirking)...me getting cross won't annoy her, him getting cross does (probably only mildly though)

[CallMeDollFace]

The added advantage to the civil-but-detached strategy is it denies her what she’s striving for, which is attention. This annoys the narcissists no end

[crispyonions]

AIBU to want hubby to stick up for me more? or shud I just go with keeping the peace and giving mil no oxygen? ie polite but detached?

[crispyonions]

yep I think so, she has nothing to talk about then ie the whole 'u cudnt annoy me if u tried' scenario. tbf there are a lot of issues with her but I'm long past any sympathy towards her. and can't help but think it irks her that her son (my hubby) is with me now and not at her beck and call. multifaceted issue😐

[Italiangreyhound]

OP "partner has love/hate relationship with mum, he felt caught in middle of it all and just wanted to keep the peace."

How can he be caught in the middle! He can see her unreasonable behaviour towards his wife, there is no middle.

"...think mil has a lot of 'issues' and he's learned over time that to ignore madness is the best policy. although this didn't really help me at the time..."

It certainly doesn't help you. So if this continues just tell MIL no, no I
don;t want calls in the middle of the night, or doors or windows banging, I won't answer unless you telephone ahead at a reasonable time.

Put to rest these memories of baby's first year and just move on. You
have shared these with us and we seem to all agree it is really unacceptable.

So just decide if it happens again, no way, you won't allow it.

Regarding your dh "... it caused a lot of stress between us at the time...which I think is precisely what she wanted (ie some attention). very very very frustrating for me as it was classic it's alright for him to slag her off but noone else and at end of day he's her mum. I still get frustrated now thinking about it!"

Decide how you want to proceed. Pointing out reality is not slagging someone off. Concentrate on getting the results you want. Not debating the issue, just what will you two do/say together to her, and about this. No slagging off needed. He let you down, and if you can forgive him move on.

"... be civil but detached from her..."

"...but it's really hard at times."

I think you need to decide how hard it is, if it is too hard just tell your husband how much his mum upset you and that you will be avoiding her. His job is to protect you from her, he is not in the fucking middle, he should be in front of you, defending you.

"...with regards his mum he's seen it all and worse before so it's not his fault." I am not sure this follows, if he knows how she can be it is his job to protect you, unless he is genuinely scared of his own mum. It is very possible having experienced her for years he is somewhat paralyzed when it comes to her and feels unable to stand up to her.

If this is the case he needs some assertiveness training or counselling to help him to deal with her.

The civil but polite is fine if you can do it. If you can't, you need to work out what you can manage.

[Italiangreyhound]

crispyonions "AIBU to want hubby to stick up for me more?" No YANBU, you need to tell him how you feel, I think, or it will fester.

This ceases to be just about her, it is also about you and him.

Focus (IMHO) on the behaviour, whatever her reasons, what is reasonable and OK, and what is not.

[ijustwannadance]

Who the fuck thinks it's normal to visit late at night!?
Can you just tell her straight. Do not knock after x time you bloody weirdo.

I'd move house and not tell her where.

[KimmySchmidt1]

First of all, civilised people don't bang on windows. Full stop. Secondly it is extraordinarily ignorant to turn up unannounced at someone's door at 10.45pm. It's ten times worse when they have a baby.

I'm afraid she sounds like an alcoholic chav.

You need to get your H to grow a pair and set down some rules with his mother. His duty is to you, not to betray you in order to avoid an awkward conversation with her.

[justilou1]

I think you should wait until she's sober (the next day) and let her know that the next time she pops around at an uncivilised hour, you will call the police and let them know that she is harassing you and is probably drunk driving. They will no doubt meet her back at her place and breathalyse her.

[schoolgaterebel]

It’s a pity you like be in such close proximity, could you move away?

It sounds like she is very self centred and has a drinking problem.

[schoolgaterebel]

*live in such close proximity