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DD picked on at school in Reception Class

(107 Posts)
WeLikeLucy Fri 20-Oct-17 20:49:50

Hi, any views or advice on this would be good please. My DD is the first of my children to start school, so I'm new to dealing with playground antics.

I recently found out from my DD that a girl in her friendship group (let's call her Emma) is being very mean because (I've worked out) she does not like the close friendship my DD has with a girl that she wants to herself (let's call her Jane). Every day my DD says she has been told things like "We don't want to play with you", "You are not our friend", "We are allowed to do this, but you are not", etc (lots of these types of comments and not nice body language). The thing is, my DD is very good friends with Jane, so I don't want to tell her to just go and find another group to play with.

I have witnessed this myself. Every morning Emma is nasty to my DD in front of me - pushes my DD out of the queue and tells her she can't stand with them, and today my DD just said 'Hello' and Emma shouted 'No don't do that' and hugged Jane away from my DD.

As this is happened in front of me, I took Emma to one side and said that it wasn't nice of her to say that to my DD, who just said 'Hello' and that I know she has been saying other things that aren't nice at school to DD. I said if it continues, I will have a chat to her mother about it. I know her mother a little bit.

Did I do the right thing? If I just ignore it, it would look like I'm condoning this behaviour. My DD is not very confident and does not stand up for herself, she just backs away or cries when other children are mean.

Athome77 Fri 20-Oct-17 20:54:27

Hi you should sort it with Teacher not the little girl, how would you feel if some random adult took to telling your child what to do?

Trb17 Fri 20-Oct-17 20:55:55

As a rule I’d say (unless they were about to physically hurt someone of course) NEVER speak to the child. Parent or teacher yes but not the child. That way trouble lies.

WeLikeLucy Fri 20-Oct-17 20:57:54

So if you see another child push your kid in front of you, you don't say anything? What message would that give my DD?
The girl's mother is never around as the child goes to breakfast club and after-school club, so she does not see this behaviour.

I also said to the girl - that they are all friends together and need to play nicely together. I forgot to add that above.

LovingLola Fri 20-Oct-17 20:59:04

You speak to the teacher.

Trb17 Fri 20-Oct-17 21:00:12

It really depends on the push. If she jostled her out of the way without causing physical pain I’d still take it up with the teacher, not the child.

If she hurt my DD I’d have a stern word. Then follow up with teacher.

It’s all in context of how bad it was tbh.

Fruitcorner123 Fri 20-Oct-17 21:02:08

I would speak to the teacher. I would only speak to the mum if we were very close and even then i would think very carefully about how i worded it. Emma could be telling her mummy a very different story.

The teacher will have dealt with this kind of thing so many times and will have strategies for dealing with this.

WeLikeLucy Fri 20-Oct-17 21:02:47

It was a purposeful push and she told my DD that she could not stand with them, and told to 'get to the back' of the queue. I was standing right next to me DD, so she knew I witnessed it. I suppose I also know it's an on-going thing. I'm surprised to hear that mothers see their kids being pushed around and say nothing at the time.

Gazelda Fri 20-Oct-17 21:04:51

OP, have a think about the story Emma is telling her Mum this evening. She wants to be friends with Jane, but Lucy keeps muscling in. Emma told Lucy “no”today, but then Lucy’s Mum told Emma off. Told her she was mean to other children. Told Emma she was going to speak with Emma’s mummy about her. Poor little Emma has been frightened and upset all day.

All of this could have been avoided if you’d told the teacher and let him/her handle it.

Allthewaves Fri 20-Oct-17 21:04:58

You need to talk to the teacher. It not your place to take a child to one side - that alone could look like you are intimidating her.

DelilahDarcey Fri 20-Oct-17 21:05:10

I think you did the right thing. It doesn't sound as though you were nasty or rude to the other girl and hopefully it will have have nipped things in the bud. She doesn't sound like a very nice child.

thegoodnameshadgone Fri 20-Oct-17 21:05:33

I think you did the right thing. If my child behaved in this way towards another child I would expect a parent to calmly explain why it was wrong to my child and to also to talk to me about what had happened.

WeLikeLucy Fri 20-Oct-17 21:05:53

Yes I take the point about being careful about speaking to the Mum. We are kind-of-friends but I don't know her very well. I will mention at the parent's evening that's coming up.

I've worked in schools for years though, and I know these things often don't get properly dealt with. Teachers don't want the hassle and often view the kid who's 'whining' as someone just telling tales unfortunately.

Allthewaves Fri 20-Oct-17 21:06:16

I would have said infront of everyone to the child 'that's no very nice' and moved my child to a different place

Ttbb Fri 20-Oct-17 21:06:39

Maybe try to teach her to be more assertive?

WeLikeLucy Fri 20-Oct-17 21:08:00

Yes I was calm and kept what I said to a minimum. The point was to tell her I knew what was going on, and that I want them to all play together and be friends in one group.

MaisyPops Fri 20-Oct-17 21:08:12

You are right to think the child is being mean but don't speak to the child directly.

Speak to the teacher. Mention what happens and when. Let them deal with it. In the meantime keep an eye and if it gets physical then I would speak to the child and say 'It is unkind to push. I need to let Teacher know this has happened.' And leave it at that.

Equally, it might do the two friends some good to branch out and make other friends at the start of school rather than be glued together.

Fruitcorner123 Fri 20-Oct-17 21:08:34

And.btw i probaby would have spoken to the girl too given how you've described it. Her mum wasnt there and you were but follow up with the teacher.

MrsDustyBusty Fri 20-Oct-17 21:08:50

I'd be very cautious about dealing with these issues myself. First of all, you're in the school grounds so it's not your place, secondly there is no retelling of this story by a child that's going to look good on your side.

If this doesn't come back to you, I'd be very surprised.

Sarahh2014 Fri 20-Oct-17 21:08:55

Better off speaking to teacher imo wouldn't have appreciated it I've youd done that with my son tbh

SomethingNewToday Fri 20-Oct-17 21:09:54

'No Emma! You don't push people' if you see a push. That's it. Anything else you take up with the teacher.

I would be very unhappy to see a random adult in the playground pulling my child aside to have a quiet word...it's very much overstepping the mark.

alwaysontimeneverlate Fri 20-Oct-17 21:10:10

I completely understand your frustration, however if that had been my DD you ‘took to one side and spoke to’ I’d have torn you a new one !

You speak to parents or teachers not 4/5yr olds!

DelilahDarcey Fri 20-Oct-17 21:10:59

OP, what did Emma say/do when you'd said it to her?

Trb17 Fri 20-Oct-17 21:11:04

The problem is that you’re dealing with playground issues where what seems to be the right thing to do can cause a shit storm like you’ve never seen before.

No I wouldn’t allow another child to hurt mine in front of me obviously! However from the point of view of this being reception, I’m simply warning you that telling off someone else’s child at school, even in a nice way, can cause a lot of trouble for you and can have knock on effects to your DD.

Not the way the world should work but it is the way the playground works.

My advice - speak to the teacher.

falange Fri 20-Oct-17 21:11:21

You did the right thing. And that’s what I’d have done. I’d also speak to the teacher so she’s aware and ask her to get the break and dinner time staff to keep an eye on them. If it continues speak to the girl’s mother

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