DPs reaction to my fuck up(114 Posts)
Long one, as it needs context.
Had a tough year, my dads increasing alcoholism and unstableness has resulted with him in prison, for a horrendous crime (which he denies). He’s had a history of alcoholism and possibly MH. His dad was exactly the same, bipolar which lead to addiction. He’s always been erratic, as a kid he looked like the fun dad, but it just snowballed into worry and embarrassment as I got older.
I’m now NC as of 3 months and it’s all been a massive strain on me and DPs relationship. Dad tended to lean on me, as I could never say no to him.
The issue: this week I had an impromptu works night out after a big deadline. Ive has a tough time at work (hating it) and had little sleep or food as I was busy preparing for the presentation. I got shit faced - to the point of blackouts.
DP was messaging me frequently, I missed a few as was chatting. He messaged me saying don’t walk home alone tipsy and WHERE ARE YOU?, I told him my last train. His final message was “I’m going to bed” this was an hour before my train was even departing.
It gets fuzzy from here, but it seems as though I ran off the train 4 stops early to puke. Covered myself in the process. I was obviously confused by this point as I sat on the station for a while despite there being no trains. Then I used an app to book a taxi so obviously was functioning. This took 45 minutes to come. In the meantime i waited outside the deserted station at half midnight. Drunk, covered in vomit. A kind woman drove by on their way home from work and offered me a lift, I declined. She insisted and said she couldn’t leave me there. So I got in and she took me the 20minute drive home. I can barely remember her, I’m very lucky that she was genuine. It was a very risky thing to do, I realise that.
I told all this to DP and he was livid: WHY DIDNT YOU CALL ME? And I honestly don’t know why, In my head I thought I could manage, I thought I was ok. He absolutley blew his top, said I was selfish, a stupid bitch, he hated me for putting myself in that position, it was obviously all an act of trying to punish him. And most hurtful of all he said I was just like my dad and had the [dads name] gene.
I’m petrified of turning into my dad, there’s clearly family history. I didn’t have the most healthy relationship with alcohol in my teens/twenties. I don’t think either of my parents were that great tbh, but my DM (now divorced) had been with my dad since she was 16. She didn’t seem that bothered when I told her what happened, and said that sometimes we do stupid things
I feel so confused right now, I feel incredibly hurt by DP and I don’t know if it was justified. I have no one to get an outside opinion. AIBU to think his reaction was extreme? Or was it well deserved?
I think you should lay off the drink as you clearly can't handle it. It's not a panacea when you're having a bad time. Your dh is just terrified for you. What if it had been someone intent on hurting you that picked you up? Let him calm down and stop bloody drinking. It solves nothing.
I could understand that he would be angry with you for putting yourself in such a vulnerable position, but calling you names and saying you are just like your dad is deeply horrible. Does he have any other abusive traits?
You’re right, I’m not a big drinker normally. Haven’t been for a decade. I tend to find that this level only happens when it’s an unexpected/unplanned event or highly emotional. Which work was after having a tough time.
That's quite an evening.
If you were so drunk you vomited on yourself I'd suggest you really need to think about your intake.
You took really dangerous risks and if that had been my husband I'd have been absolutely livid.
I can see both sides tbh. Your mum is right, of course, we all do stupid things sometimes and it's not necessarily a sign that you're "turning into your dad". Then again, you ended up in a really dangerous situation and your dh was obviously worried about you and often worry followed by relief can turn to anger. I'd ride it out for a day or so, let everything settle down and then talk it through with him.
First thing - if you are drinking to the point of blackouts, you need to stop.
You did put yourself in an incredibly dangerous position but you know that.
You won't turn into your dad IMO, but had my partner done what you did I would have been fuming.
Having said all that - hope he calms down and that you feel better soon.
It's really tough
But if this was the other way around and it was someone's husband on this thread they'd be saying all sorts about him, LTB etc etc. You would have really worried him. I'd be furious at you too.
There's absolutely no excuse for your partner being aggressive, absolutely none.
You'll know yourself if you think you have problems with alcohol, but it might be worth speaking to someone about your dad and your childhood just to get it off your chest?
I agree the name calling is bad but given your recent stress he was probably beside himself worrying if you were ok.
You really need to think about your drinking. But I'm sure you know that.
Him calling you names is not on. There is no excuse for that.
You found yourself in a potentially dangerous situation, and that is something to learn from.
My DM is an alcoholic and I live in the same fear that I will turn out like her, so I can see how him saying those things would be hurtful and it's quite a low blow. He was probably frustrated that you didn't call him, but that doesn't excuse it.
You both need to sit down like adults and talk it out. You need to acknowledge the situation you found yourself in and address that. He needs to know that it is not okay for him to speak to you like that and making comparisons to your dad is hurtful and unnecessary.
OK, so you’ve had a bad time, you were stressed, you needed a release and you fucked up. It could have gone really badly but it didn’t. We’ve all (well most of us) been there. Not sure why your DH was harassing you after you told him where you were and what your plans were. Is this why you didn’t want to ask him for help?
His reaction was certainly huge, and the name calling is not acceptable at all, but in his defense I think his reaction was fueled by extreme worry and fear for your safety. Honestly, I can't really blame him for being so upset. What you did was insanely dangerous, and you are very lucky to have made it home without something awful happening. You put yourself into a completely vulnerable situation, and wouldn't communicate with your partner who was trying to see if you were ok. Drinking to blackout is a problem, an enormous one, and with your family history, you need to examine this very seriously. You need to talk to your partner. The name calling is something he needs to know is not acceptable, but I do think you need to understand where his anger was coming from. If my husband did this, I would absolutely go nuclear. And if it were ME who had done this, my husband would have been a raving lunatic with worry.
Oh OP you poor thing. I’m sorry you’re having a tough time.
I can sort of understand your DP’s reaction though. He got angry because he was so worried about you! Anything could have happened to you. Maybe he deliberately said the hurtful things to shock you into realising how serious this could have been?
Well. You need to address your emotional state and your relationship with alcohol. Don't let your upset at your DP be an excuse not to do that.
I am struggling to feel that it's ever OK to speak to your partner the way he did though. He reinforced to you your own fears though, didn't he (about being like your dad)? Maybe it's the shake-up you need?
I presume you told your DP because you trust him and wanted him to know how distressed you are. In effect, to ask for help. He in turn didn't cope at all with that and did exactly the opposite.
Only you can judge whether this is him panicking or whether he has history for not being able to be the support you need. I am not sure about the 'punishing him' thing he said to you.
But you must address the drinking first.
Honestly? I think he’s taking something that he knows is your weakness and is using it against you. Not nice.
I don't actually think your DH should've told you that he was going to bed. Because I think that would put you off phoning him.
But, yes, you should be careful going forward.
“Honestly, I can't really blame him for being so upset. What you did was insanely dangerous, and you are very lucky to have made it home without something awful happening. You put yourself into a completely vulnerable situation, and wouldn't communicate with your partner who was trying to see if you were ok”.
Your partner reacted that way because he was so sick with worry and obviously terrified something had happened to you
I dunno. I can imagine acting like your DP. It must be terrifying for him.
OP "I’m petrified of turning into my dad, there’s clearly family history."
yes, your DP is scared of the same thing.
I think his reaction is understandable.
my suggestion is you have an early night, a good talk with him in the morning and respect his feelings of panic and anger and ....you need to go to teetotal. you clearly feel you are at risk, you're having blackouts.
you might need to join a support group etc.
Yes, I can imagine saying the same sort of thing too, out of sheer fury and fright. I'd also be worrying about when/if it was to happen again.
Hearing these reaction has bought me to tears. I feel so ashamed.
I haven’t drank to blackout in over a decade, I’ve not been sick since my teens. This was a complete one off. I know that’s not an excuse.
I am trying to get help in coming to terms with my dad. I had counselling. But she just constantly asked if I was talking to him and then told me to “look after myself, maybe book a holiday?” So I’ve stopped seeing her.
DP does have a temper, this isn’t the first time he’s told me he hates me, and I made a point of telling him how hurtful I found it. He promised never to say it again.
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