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Was I in the wrong?

(64 Posts)
GiveUsACig Fri 20-Oct-17 15:57:47

I think my daughter (25) has fallen out with me. We haven't spoke for a few weeks now, the last time I seen her I said that she looks like she's putting on weight around her sides. She walked out not happy and said how I've said things like that to her for years.

I haven't at all, and I know it's not the nicest thing to have said but I am her mum and I never actually called her fat. She hasn't contacted me for a few weeks which I'm sure is from what I said!

What can I do?

Squirmy65ghyg Fri 20-Oct-17 15:58:39


Think before you speak.

Is this a reverse?

SoupDragon Fri 20-Oct-17 15:59:49

I never actually called her fat

Yes you did.

ImLizawithaZ Fri 20-Oct-17 16:00:15

Yes you are in the wrong! blush shock

AuntLydia Fri 20-Oct-17 16:00:19

You really don't need to do a reverse to get sympathy. Your mum shouldn't have said that

amusedbush Fri 20-Oct-17 16:00:36

Why on earth would it even occur to you to mention a weight gain? Do you realise how fucking rude and unnecessary your comment was?

booloobalooloo Fri 20-Oct-17 16:01:25

My mum says this kind of thing all the time. If asked she'd probably say she doesn't. Because I actually think she doesn't realise and thinks it's ok cos she is my mum. It's really really not. You need to massively apologise and take it back.

HebeJeeby Fri 20-Oct-17 16:02:33

Just because you’re her mum doesn’t mean you can be rude and insensitive to your daughter. Has it really taken all these weeks for you to notice she’s upset with you??? I think you should apologise.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Fri 20-Oct-17 16:02:57

She'll have known she was putting on weight. She didn't need you to point it out. I'm not surprised she's upset with you.
The words "tact" and "no" come to mind.

RB68 Fri 20-Oct-17 16:03:03

yes you are wrong - you clearly have been saying stuff like this for years and do not realise the impact it has on self esteem and mental health. Next time keep your mouth shut

Glumglowworm Fri 20-Oct-17 16:03:48


apologise to your daughter. Unreservedly.

DontWannaBeObamasElf Fri 20-Oct-17 16:04:42

A few months after I moved out I went back to my mums one night for dinner. “You’re getting awfully fat in face.” Told her to fuck right off and stop being so rude. I’m surprised you weren’t told the same.

Caulk Fri 20-Oct-17 16:05:06

I’m assuming this is a reverse?

Do you want things to change between you?

MsJolly Fri 20-Oct-17 16:05:46

This is like one of the many reasons I am NC with the thoughtless narcissistic emotionally abusive bitch of a mother I have.

Apologise and think before you speak next time

Lenl Fri 20-Oct-17 16:06:11

Is this a reverse?

Anyway, yes you're in the wrong. That's the same as saying she's fat. And if she says you've said things like this all her life, you probably have. My mum has, but would say she hasn't.

An early memory is coming home from my grandparents having had dinner and her laughing and asking how much I eat, saying I looked pregnant. I was 5. She denies this but I haven't made it up. I genuinely think she's forgotten as it doesn't fit with the person she thinks she is.

AppalachianWalzing Fri 20-Oct-17 16:06:15

I think you should apologise because you've upset her.

But my parents say things like that to me and I don't mind, and I've a friend who says he appreciates that his parents will gently point out if he's putting on weight as it helps him notice it's time to cut back a bit- otherwise he's generally oblivious and wouldn't notice till his clothes stopped fitting and it required a large effort to get back on track.

If you said it from a point of view of health, and genuinely weren't especially concerned about her appearance or making a dig, then I don't think it's the worst thing to say. But my parents would frame it as 'are you eating healthily, you should eat unlimited healthy food but you only put on weight when you eat junk (true in my case) you need to make sure you're taking care of yourself.'

But they aren't generally critical, quite the opposite, and we are fairly open about things in general. As an unwelcome comment and depending on background it could be very upsetting.

MadForlt Fri 20-Oct-17 16:06:18

My mum's like you.

It might not be often, but it's often enough to know that every time I see her she is judging me based on his much weight I may have lost or gained, even though she isn't saying anything.

I rarely visit her as a result.

What can you do? Stop making comments about other people's weight to begin with.

Travis1 Fri 20-Oct-17 16:07:14

What can you do? Lift the phone and apologise for being fucking horrible to your daughter and keep your mouth shut in future angry

HateHomework Fri 20-Oct-17 16:08:01


InThisTogether Fri 20-Oct-17 16:08:11

This is obviously a reverse, and generally won't gain you much sympathy for that reason. Agree with pp, your mum shouldn't have said that to you. But be straight with us please.

TheSnowFairy Fri 20-Oct-17 16:09:35

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HateHomework Fri 20-Oct-17 16:09:51

The title doesn't make sense, what are you asking here?

EverythingEverywhere1234 Fri 20-Oct-17 16:10:31

Don't be a twat, of course you said she was getting fat. Don't comment on that which someone can see with their own eyes.

hidinginthenightgarden Fri 20-Oct-17 16:13:34

Yes. The same comments led me to an eating disorder and a very fractured relationship with some relatives of mine.

Ecureuil Fri 20-Oct-17 16:13:48

I’d steer clear of my mum for a while if she called me fat too.

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