To go against DH and labour how I want?(502 Posts)
DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.
He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.
It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.
DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.
I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.
I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.
But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.
I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.
He just feels too anxious about it.
Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?
I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to
Your body, your birth.
You call the shots on this one.
There will be lots of people piling in to tell you it's your labour and body so do what you want and I agree with this to a certain extent.
He's worried and probably with good reason. I had an awful long and difficult labour resulting in an EMCS. It was my first and I was so glad of the medical surrounding as was my DH.
Is this your first?
I can see where he is coming from, 30 minutes is a long time in an emergency and I personally wouldn't risk it.
However your body your choice
As above, your body your birth. Partner has every right to an opinion, but the final choice is yours.
It’s YOUR labour. He doesn’t even have a right to be there. You’re the one who’s going to be in intense pain.
I took my mum to my appointment to decide if I was having a c section or not because my dp said he didn’t want to influence me because it’s MY BODY.
You ABU to even consider not doing what you want because he thinks he has some kind of weird ownership of your body.
You’re going to be under a lot of stress and in a lot of pain, his feelings don’t matter at this point! You need to make that clear to him, you hear a lot of horror stories where husbands put themselves first at the birth. He’s only there to support and help you, he’s not there because it’s his child being born I’d that makes sense?
It is my first, yes.
If it’s serious then an ambulance would get us there quicker than 30 minutes
His feelings matter, of course they do but yours matter so so so much more. If you want a home birth and your midwife agrees there isnt a reason not too then I think your wish to labour at home outweighs his wish to have you labour in a hospital. Particularly if he "shut the topic down" that doesn't sound like someone who understands his role in this which is to suport you. He's not giving birth, you are. The more comfortable and relaxed you are the more likely the birth will be straigrforward.
From what I understand and I’m no expert at all home births are generally very safe and water births are good for both the baby and mother as well. Would you be able to maybe do a bit of research and go through it with him and put his mind at ease?
30 mins drive is a long drive if something goes wrong tbh. Can u not find another birthing center as a back up for you to go to if the other ones pools are all taken.
I think you guys should make a decision together and compromise as it affects you both but you greater. Good luck x
Does your 'less than 30 minute' estimation include the amount of time needed to get and ambulance to you ?
Hi OP, sorry but your DH is being unreasonable here. You are the one giving birth, therefore what you want trumps what he wants.
He seems to be against any kind of water birth, what is his issue with this? In my experience water can ease the pain. He should be supporting whatever decision you make , especially as your MW has said it was safe, and putting his own feelings aside.
Maybe suggest doing some research into water birthing and home births to ease his anxiety? But he is selfish if he thinks this is his decision.
And my best friend planned a home birth, she laboured at home but when the midwife because concerned things were not progressing she was transferred to hospital and had a c section. She was about 20 minutes from the hospital and was home with the baby in just over 48 hours. Even if a home birth does not work it isnt a disaster.
IMO his feelings mean absolutely fuck all.
It's your body, your pain, your sacrifice. Do what makes you happy, and I would even be tempted to change birthing partner to someone more supportive.
He's going to be presented with his baby with minimal effort - the clues in the word "labour". The least he can do is STFU and help you achieve what you need to feel comfortable.
Do whats best for you.
You do realise that 999 take 2-3 minutes to answer the phone and it'll be getting on for ten minutes before they dispatch an ambulance. That's if you are a high priority, which you may not be. I'm a GP so we often have to call an ambulance. I've known them take over half an hour to arrive for a patient having a heart attack. Then it'll take at least ten minutes to get to you, so that's 20 minutes. Another ten to get you loaded on and half an hour to get to the hospital so you're at one hour from the time the decision is made to call the ambulance. If your baby is in distress that's too long. Entirely up to you of course, but your DH is putting your baby's safety first.
Has he read the 7 secrets of a home birth dad article? Does he realise that at home you will have a midwife with you at the way through - but in hospital it's very likely you won't? Does he know that just planning a HB will reduce the likelihood of you having a CS? If he's not done any research or reading up on it, he's just talking out of his arse. Your body, your birth.
At my first birth a lot of stuff happened that was quite traumatic and I very much felt like I had a lot of things done 'to me'.
I walked away with untreated PTSD that affected me for many many years. I only feel some kind of release from it now after, being pregnant again, my very lovely new midwife talked me through the entire thing, let me cry, admitted I had been treated badly, and advised me that she thinks I have PTSD. It is over 7 years since the event.
She is now very keen for me to have a home birth and feels that a positive birth experience this time will go a long way to heal the mental scars from the first.
It's so important for you to feel like you are in control, for your own mental health more than anything. You are also so much less likely to need any intervention if you are in water and away from a hospital.
I will not be going NEAR a hospital this time unless its absolutely necessary.
You will resent DH if you let him push you into something you're not happy with. But perhaps you could do something to alleviate his fears? Maybe he could talk it through with a midwife?
It's your labour, you're the one who's bringing your child into the world. The experience itself is stressful enough and if having the baby at home makes you feel more relaxed and at ease, he should totally respect your choice.
If he can't, I think you should tell him to fuck off and find a birth partner who is willing to support your choice. Don't let his views cloud what you want.
Hope you make the choice that is right for you and not him. Good luck
I think it's difficult.
In cases where all outcomes are broadly similar, then i absolutely agree it's your choice. Ultimately it's your choice in all situations but I understand his reservations in this case, where the risk is so much higher, esp on your first.
I know two people who have had crash caesareans,l. I have a friend who had a home birth on her second, but on her first, birthing pool birth something went wrong at the end, a button was pushed, and three doctors worked on her and three on the baby all of whom burst into the room within thirty seconds of that button being pushed.
An ambulance and thirty minutes is a lot if it's critical- and the risk of that is low, but the outcome is catastrophic and if anything goes wrong and your DH was against it then there's a real risk to your marriage.
So.... it's your choice but I think he does get to express a view and you need to think seriously about why he's concerned. I'm not opposed to home births but I wouldn't be happy with that distance.
As much as everyone says it's your body, your choice (which I totally agree with) I can imagine that it will be hard to convince your partner and that will affect you and your relationship.
Whichever way it goes, you'll each feel that the other wasn't listened to at one of the most important times of your lives.
Has he actually, truly gone into why he doesn't want the home birth? Like, really deeply and analysed his emotions?
I've found that with DP it's more of a medical procedure to him whereas to me it's a hugely emotional minefield that could affect me for years IYSWIM? Maybe he needs help seeing that?
I can't even believe home births are still a thing to be honest. My baby would've been dead if I had her at home. Absolutely anything can go wrong in the very last minute.
I'm with your husband all the way.
He is just worried because he cares about you, I imagine.
No birth can be guaranteed to be safe especially when first child. Mine was low risk then ended up having EMCS and lost alot of blood. Baby was in distress during labour as my cervix just wouldn't open.
The last thing I'd have wanted at that stressful, painful time would have been to get out of bed/pool and clamber into a car or ambulance for a 30 minute journey. Being wheeled in my bed to surgery was much comfier.
That said there's just as much chance as having a straight forward birth. And you may regret not trying if it's what you really want. Take some time, picture yourself in the moment (tired, stressed, pain etc) and see what you would prefer. Ultimately it's your choice
Good luck xx
Your body, your labour, your choice. But I can understand your DHs concerns, as a pp said in an emergency situation you would be close to an hour to get an ambulance and get to hospital. I wouldn’t personally consider a home birth for a first baby and I think most midwives would advise against it too.
I was a good candidate for a home birth for my second labour (first was very quick, uncomplicated and didn’t need anything other than gas & air) but I still didn’t consider it as we are 30 minutes from the hospital.
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