Asking DH to get up to check out downstairs

[buzz17]

I haven't done this in a while, but did it last night at 3:15.
Something woke me up, I'm not sure what but I was suddenly wide awake and on alert.

It almost sounded like a light switch.
I got up to see if my dining room light (leads to the stairs) was on - it wasn't.
Then I noticed my cat was on my DD bed so I booted him off.
So he buggered off downstairs, but then he meowed. And I'm sure I heard him do another noise.

All of this around DH snoring which always makes my anxiety worse.
My anxiety is also slightly higher at the moment as I'm coming off epilepsy tablets which can be used to help with anxiety, bipolar and a few other things.. although I only used them for epilepsy.
Whenever I'm pregnant (I am now) I always have more irrational fears of being broken into, no idea why!

I already freak out about noises during the night, it's the one thing I'm petrified of and he knows it. I've had reoccurring dreams about it, where I can't scream. Somebody once tried to get into my mums sliding door when I was asleep in the room next to it. Luckily I had DH sleeping over that night so he was there with me.

So at 3:30 I woke DH up and asked him to investigate. He said no.
I said "but you're the man and I'm scared.. please"
He said no again.
I said "I guess I'm up now then"
After a couple of minutes he got up and said "fucking dickhead" then went downstairs

He was down there for a while - so I'm thinking maybe he had a cigarette and I heard him go in the fridge. So he can't have been too bothered by getting up.
I also apologised when he came back to bed.

But AIBU waking him up because I'm scared? Should I have investigated myself?
I'm not happy that he called me a fucking dickhead so I will have words about that.

[FluttershysCutieMark]

Honestly.... you woke him up in the middle of the night due to your own anxieties, I can see why he was pissed off. Yes it would have been great if he was your knight in shining armour but you still woke him at 3am. Probably pissed him off more when he got downstairs and discovered that it was nothing.

I'm the same OP, I have an unhealthy fear of noises in the night and someone breaking in, our imaginations can get the better of us.

[RainbowPastel]

Totally unfair to wake him up. Why didn't you go and look yourself? As for "You're the man" ridiculous.

[RedHelenB]

If it is burglars you may be better off not disturbing them and staying in bed. I can see why he was annoyed no one likes being woken up in the middle of the night!

[deepestdarkestperu]

I wouldn’t be happy to be woken up at 3am to “check downstairs” simply because my partner felt anxious.

I would expect an adult to be able to check themselves, and if they then came and said they’d seen something or we’d been broken into, then I would get up and deal with it.

Would you be happy if it was the other way around?

[StinkPickle]

Christ I'd have been pissrd off if I was him too.

He maybe shouldn't have called you names but, seriously, it was 3am and you asked him to get up and go downstairs - and then made him feel guilty when he didn't want to.

[LEMtheoriginal]

Sorry but YABU I'd not be happy if someone woke me up in the middle of the night because of a noise. Also IF there was an intruder why is it ok to expect your dh to put himself at risk?

[OliviaStabler]

YABU Why could you not go down yourself?

[Evelynismyspyname]

He never has the right to swear at you, ever, no matter what.

If you do this fairly regularly and he has to be up in the morning it must be incredibly frustrating and tiring for him though, and makes you sound pretty selfish and self involved. The "but your the man" line doesn't do you any favours.

So you're both unreasonable I guess.

What treatment are you getting for your anxiety? CBT?

[Bruceishavingfish]

If someone has broken in, do you imagine dh would be able to heroically fend thrm off and walk away unharmed because he is a man?

The reason i ask is because i am sure you dont want to see him hurt. So i think you know, deep down, there isnt anyone there. Would you really want dh to confront burgulars?

You need help to deal with this. Waking someone in the middle of the night to act like your hero, really nerds to stop.

I woild be fucked off as well. Especially if i felt my dh would only be happy if i put myself in danger.

[Lenl]

I understand - I get very anxious about break ins since being pregnant with my first and it's worse again at the moment as I have a young baby. I also have nightmares about it regularly - really gory ones sometimes. Sometimes I want to wake DP up but I never do because it's just not fair. I investigate myself. This happens a couple of times a month and I also listen at the top of the stairs in the night all the time (I know. A bit much but there we go). Our house is fairly small though. So I think you were being a bit unreasonable to wake him.

But it's not really on to call you a dickhead either - if I did wake my DP I'm certain he'd huff a bit but just do it, then come back, reassure me and then tell me to be quiet and go to sleep. Do you wake him very often? Of this is a regular thing I understand his anger more - after all we get irrationally anxious at night so can't expect them to be measured in the middle of the night.

[deepestdarkestperu]

He never has the right to swear at you, ever, no matter what.

Ah come on, really? If someone woke me up at 3am and expected me to get out of bed for no rational reason, I would swear too! I don’t think anyone is full of joy at that point!

[sonjadog]

I would be pissed off too if I were him. If it were burglars, why would you want him walking in on them? Better to stay in bed and hope they go without coming up to you. And in the more likely eventuality that it is just the normal noises of a house at night, then you are disturbing his rest for nothing. Next time, go and look yourself.

[zippey]

To be fair you WERE being a dickhead to wake him up and investigate because he's a man.

You are an adult. If simeyhing is bothering you then you should investigate yourself.

If the circumstances were reversed how would you have felt? He may be a man but he is also human and we all cherish our sleep.

[Katedotness1963]

If I think I hear a sound I get up myself.

[IHateMyJob2017]

Yeah YWBU! In 10 years I’ve asked DH to go down once and it turned out the ceiling light had fallen down. I’d be mighty pissed off if someone woke me regularly to go look down stairs!

[Glumglowworm]

YABU

You should have investigated yourself. "You're the man" is bullshit.

He shouldn't have sworn at you but he was tired and frustrated at being woken for no reason.

You need to seek help for your anxiety

[Bruceishavingfish]

Surely if genuinely thought someone was in the house you would call the police.

The fact that you didnt says yoi knew there wasnt anyone in the house and knew it was anxiety. So get some help for it.

[sandgrown]

I know advice is not to tackle burglars but I would be so angry I just could not stay in bed. DP says intruders would be more scared if they met me rather than him ( think Tasmanian devil)

[metalmum15]

Perhaps you should consider getting an alarm you can set at night, to ease your anxieties?

[buzz17]

I'm not having any treatment for my anxiety. It used to be frequently that I'd wake him up, but I can't remember the last time I did.

He wakes me up to ask for my drink, or to move DD when she's pushing him off the bed. But that doesn't involve me having to get out of bed.

Some nights he stays up late on his computer downstairs (doesn't bother me in the slightest) and sometimes our cat decides to bring a mouse in. He's woken me up a lot of times to catch the mouse because he's scared of those.

He doesn't have to get up in the morning. He doesn't start work until 2:30pm and I let him sleep until 10am every morning. I get up every school day at 7, leave ours at 8:15 to walk them to school and get home at 9:30.
He does actually have an interview for a 9-5 job soon so his work hours would change if he got the job.



In June somebody broke into the house opposite us by smashing their conservatory with plant pots, he ran through the house smashing everything (it was an old couple and they just called the police and waited outside). He smashed the bedroom window upstairs and tried to climb back over the conservatory. He was naked and covered in blood - because he'd attacked someone with a meat cleaver an hour or so before.
Cue 2 police cars, a police van and an ambulance at 2am.
(Their neighbours husband ran over to try tackle the guy - she's a friend so told me all what happened).

Then a couple of months or so ago, these 2 lads tried to steal a BMW from outside our house (not ours, it just gets parked outside our back gate). That was at 3am. DH stopped that happening. I was asleep and he didn't tell me until it was light outside because he knew I'd freak out.

Then at the weekend, someone tried to get into my friends house (next to the old couple I mentioned above), her dogs scared them off, so they tried the house opposite, couldn't get in there either so tried the neighbours car. Ran off when they heard police cars.

You wouldn't think that we actually live in a nice area.. but we do! There's just a few things that have happened recently that make me on edge even more.

Going downstairs when it's dark scares me big time. We already have the landing light on because I'm scared of the dark!
When he goes out, he always comes back before 1am (I don't ask) because he knows I'm a wuss at being left on my own.

[SootSprite]

I get it OP. My anxiety goes nuts in the night too. I’m also scared of the dark. I have agreed the following plan with myself - if I hear a noise and I wake up and am scared, i listen out. If I hear a second noise within say, half an hour, then I wake dh up and he goes downstairs to check for me. If I don’t hear another noise I stay awake, (petrified)for another hour or so and then finally go back to sleep. Might you be able to strike this deal with yourself?

I think you also need to have a conversation with him to explain your fears, so he knows you’re properly scared and need his support, rather than you just being a dick and annoying him. But if you find this happening a lot then it’s only fair that you do something about it too, whether that be a top of the range burglar alarm, a large dog that sleeps downstairs, or anxiety medication.

[user21]

You really don't want to know how I interpreted this OP 😂

[TidyDancer]

Anxiety is awful and difficult to understand if you’ve never really suffered (I have). However, part of having anxiety is finding an effective way to cope with it and it is totally unreasonable for that to mean waking someone up in the middle of the night to investigate what is likely to be nothing. If you are unable to settle, the reasonable thing to do in this instance is to go and check yourself so you can reassure yourself and go back to sleep.

I wouldn’t be too happy about the dickhead comment either but I don’t think you can really have a go about that in the circumstances. Expecting someone to behave impeccably when you’ve behaved so badly is not right.

[TidyDancer]

That’s a huge dripfeed OP. That does at least explain why your anxieties are heightened but it’s still not reasonable to have woken your DH.

[knockknockknock]

Get a cheap CCTV camera for downstairs that you can link to your phone so you see for yourself that there is no danger. Some only cost £25 ish (often used for pet watching).