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Mil wiping DDs bottom for her (literally)

(24 Posts)
lilly0 Fri 20-Oct-17 01:41:05

DD is 4 in reception school she is perfectly able to wipe her bum after a poo. She knows to do front to back and wash her hands I've noticed when we go to mils house mil will take DD for a poo pull her pants down and wipe her then wash her hands for her she also changes her clothes for her and tries to spoon feed her food .

I stayed over and I checked on DD she was missing from the guest bed and in mils bed. We don't do cosleeping at home now whenever DD has a sleepover at Grandma's DD comes back wanting me to literally take her to the toilet and wipe her bum for her and help get her dressed . Obviously she is at school now and her teachers won't want to wipe her bum.

How do I broach the subject of stopping mil babying DD I don't want to offend her I just find it really weird as DD is not a baby anymore she's a school aged children.

Maya12 Fri 20-Oct-17 02:14:17

DD will probably soon get fed up and tell MIL that she doesn't want it, or at least will undestand that this is special rules for grandma's house only if you're firm that you're not doing it. Both probably just enjoy a bit of babying and nothing wrong with that at age 4 IMO. Different carers different rules, and I don't think as your MIL I would take too kindly to you criticising how I look after your DD unless what I did was harmful or dangerous.

MrsOverTheRoad Fri 20-Oct-17 03:21:16


You have to tell MIL! Why have you "noticed" MIL doing this when you're present and NOT SAID ANYTHING?

Unless you're a poo troll that is.

TheMaddHugger Fri 20-Oct-17 04:42:44

Haha Mrs - Unless you're a poo troll that is.

AnInchWasPinched Fri 20-Oct-17 06:27:00

She’s 4. She’s being looked after by her grandmother hmm
I really fail to see issue. Young child helped on toilet by grandmother. Young child comforted by grandmother whilst sleeping away from home. Unless she’s particularly dim-witted, she’ll know there are rules at granny’s house and rules at home. Just as she knows there are rules for school and rules for home. Is it just because it’s MiL?

TonySopranosVest Fri 20-Oct-17 07:08:39

You could say “We’re teaching DD independence at the moment ready for school, so we’re not wiping her bottom for her or cutting up her food as she needs to do this for herself at school”

The sleeping in her bed thing is fine.

PurpleGrapePip Fri 20-Oct-17 08:15:39

I'd say something about the wiping and the feeding but I wouldn't have a problem with the co-sleeping. I don't ever remember co-sleeping with my parents (I do remember crashing into their room at 6am for cuddles!) But co-slept with both my grandmas until I was about 13 and stopped having sleepovers, as did my brother. I have really fond memories of this and would hate if my parents hadn't allowed it.

sourpatchkid Fri 20-Oct-17 08:20:46

Why don’t you just say something like “it’s so nice of you to want to care for her but DD can do these things herself “ I’m not being disagreeable here but I don’t see why it’s that complex a discussion?

MrsOverTheRoad Fri 20-Oct-17 08:24:52

Ainacch the child can do it herself! She's capable. So the MIL is just babying her for no reason other than to enjoy "parenting".

MrsOverTheRoad Fri 20-Oct-17 08:25:38

I also have no issue with the co sleeping. My NINE year old co sleeps with both me and with MIL when she's feeling a bit insecure or whatever.

RavingRoo Fri 20-Oct-17 08:31:13

My neice acts more babyish around me than her mum and she’s nearly 6. Things she can do perfectly well at home become impossible at mine - wiping poos, brushing her teeth, putting shoes on etc. She enjoys the babying, more so because sister’s had a new baby and so doesn’t really have time to do it while I do.

kaytee87 Fri 20-Oct-17 08:32:05

Jesus my 15mo won’t even let me spoon feed him anymore.

I’d just say that as your dd is at school now she really needs to do these things for herself and could she possibly help out with trying to enforce it as you know dd listens to her.
A compliment at the end should hopefully soften the blow.

MyrtleMaracas Fri 20-Oct-17 08:48:14

My mil and DM used to do things with our dc that they were perfectly able to do. It doesn't matter imo though, they looked after DC when I was at work so I certainly wasn't going to nit pick over them cutting food up or babying them. The dc soon reverted to doing stuff themselves once home. It's grandparents, let them spoil them and faff on a bit so long as no harm is being done.

Apileofballyhoo Fri 20-Oct-17 08:50:05

My DS and my DNe and DNi all sleep/slept with my DM when they can. With DNe it's just stopped fairly recently as he's hit puberty but carried on till he was about 12. I don't see a problem.

The bum wiping I'd have no issue with either. She's able to do it herself at home and school, no harm if she gets help sometimes.

You're extremely lucky your MIL loves your DD so much. So many PIL have no interest in their GC. My MIL never changed a nappy, took him for a walk, had him for a sleepover, babysits, or takes much interest at all. She does love him in her own way and can be very generous, but she doesn't seem to do small children. She doesn't even know him that well despite us living close-by - weeks could go by without her seeing him. Honestly, you don't know how lucky you are.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 20-Oct-17 08:50:25

Just leave them to it, your dd will get fed up soon enough.

Crumbs1 Fri 20-Oct-17 09:08:21

Children sometimes enjoy the security of being babied. I’d go with a coffee and chat about increasing independence now she’s at school. I wouldn’t worry about sleeping cuddles and closeness: it’s nice.

lilly0 Fri 20-Oct-17 09:29:11

Ok I will leave it then and grit my teeth she loves DD very much. Maybe because I have wiped her bottom for so long I'm just so happy i don't need to do it for her anymore. I just need to enforce rules at home and rules at Grandma's,

crazycatlady5 Fri 20-Oct-17 09:43:47

Sounds like granny just wanted to cuddle up with her granddaughter (regardless of poo issue). Honestly let her have that, no? It won’t last forever.

ScrabbleFiend Fri 20-Oct-17 16:26:38

My DS had his GP's wiping him long after I stopped, he still co-sleeps with them when he stays over and he's 9 now. I don't see the big deal, he understands the rules are different at home. And I would think lots of 4 year olds still need help wiping properly, it's not like she's 14

Fruitcorner123 Fri 20-Oct-17 16:28:56

You could fib and say school have mentioned that your DD (or the children in general) need to work on certain skills such as wiping and using cutlery so please could she push it with DD

AlexsMum89 Fri 20-Oct-17 16:36:28

Everybody has slightly different standards about what they are and aren't ok with when it comes to their children. As is evidenced by the responses here.

If you're not happy, you should talk about it

Glumglowworm Fri 20-Oct-17 16:43:39

Just talk to MIL like an adult hmm

Explain that now DD is at school you all need to give her more independence at things like eating on her own and going to the toilet and wiping.

BellyBean Fri 20-Oct-17 17:46:54

I'd mention she can wipe her bottom, but wouldn't worry if mil continues to do it anyway. I mention to my mil DD age 3 can dress herself and put on her shoes and mil was surprised. She'd lost touch with what was expected at what age and was happy for DD to do it for herself.

TroelsLovesSquinkies Fri 20-Oct-17 18:18:46

Have you told MIL that she can wipe herself reliably after a poo? My first two couldn't, maybe she thinks Dd can't either.

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