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AIBU?

Feeling so let down by DH

61 replies

emsmum79 · 19/10/2017 20:23

My dh is a good man (works hard, never wastes money, loves dd and i) but I feel so let down by how he is at home. He's always been like this but I feel it more acutely now that we have a daughter. I hate the thought of her growing up thinking that men don't need to take responsibility for anything.
He does housework, but only with prompting. He never does anything over and above. I have to notice if anything needs repaired or replaced. He never organises or suggests anything special for us. By 'special' i mean any treat for us as a family or for just us as a couple (a takeaway, trip to the swimming, dinner out type things). He doesn't take any real responsibility for our daughter - I decide and organise anything important (appointments, what groups we go to etc).
I do all the finances, all the cooking, plan every little thing.
When I talk to him about this he just says "yeah, you're right" but does nothing to change.
I feel so hacked off. I know that what I'm writing isn't anything major really, but it's just all mounting up.
How can I get him to understand that I'd really like him to take responsibility for something? Or at least appreciate what I do?

OP posts:

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user1471449805 · 19/10/2017 20:25

Congratulations - thanks to biology all the wifework is yours!

He is not a good man.

deepestdarkestperu · 19/10/2017 20:40

He's not that great if he does nothing for your DD, and is seemingly incapable of being a grown up and running a home without your input/instruction.

I'm sure he copes at work, so I'd have to assume he's putting on this facade of "incapability" so you carry on doing everything, and he can continue to do fuck all.

Dozer · 19/10/2017 20:42

It is major. He has sexist attitudes and does not wish to change.

WishingOnABar · 19/10/2017 20:43

Just out of curiosity what happens when you stop doing it all? I mean have you considered just not making dinner one day, and if asked whats for dinner just saying “I dont know what are you cooking?”

Motoko · 19/10/2017 20:47

It's because you're a woman, therefore it's your job to do all the wifework and carry the mental load.

Sorry, you're stuck with it now.

emsmum79 · 19/10/2017 20:54

Thanks everyone.
@WishingOnABar, I don't know- not tried that yet. We have a meal-planner on the fridge that I write up every weekend for the week ahead. I should maybe leave one night free and see what happens.
He just can't follow any routine that we have and my daughter ends up getting upset when he tries to get her ready or put her to bed because it's never the same way twice. I can't cope with listening to her crying - he's basically not listening to either of us.
I'd rather try to fix things instead of leaving him. But I can't do that if he doesn't try. I'm very forgiving- I can't maintain a 'cold front' for long but I feel like I need to not be my usual chatty and friendly self so that he actually gets that his attitude is hurting us.

OP posts:

user1471449805 · 19/10/2017 21:34

It's for the rest of your life and will wear you down.

And is quite a message for your DD.

EllaHen · 19/10/2017 21:38

He is not a good man.

I don't believe for a second that he can't. He won't.

I do know that I couldn't live a day with a man like that. Can you face forever?

WishingOnABar · 19/10/2017 21:46

I dont mean to be rude but you sound a little over-planned compared to him. You have meal planners, you say you plan all appointments in advance and are upset by him not following a set routine everytime he puts your daughter to bed so presumably you take over and do it yourself, maybe if you are just always planning everything and getting it all done he has no opportunity to get in and do it. Have you ever tried just letting it all go for a while and seeing if he picks up the slack? Dont cook, if he asks about dinner say i think its your turn. Then let him deal with it. Same for washing / cleaning / plans. If the washing hasnt been done and he runs out of clean shirts, point him in the direction of the washing machine.

speakout · 19/10/2017 21:51

OP you are facilitating his behaviour.

Do you work? Does he work?
How are the basic household chores done? Who washes up? who does laundry?

sadie9 · 19/10/2017 21:53

If you want him to help, you will have to make space for him to do things his way. I would allocate him 2 nights a week to cook. And get him to put your daughter to bed 2 nights of the week. She will get used to it. At the weekend he should get up early one of the mornings so you can have a lie in.
Don't expect him to 'notice' the empty space on the meal planner. To get him to take responsibility you have to spell it out. Ask him 'do you think you could organise dinner a couple of times a week in order that we can share the household stuff more?'
And with housework say 'If I clean the bathroom could you do the hoovering?'. If he does it often enough he will get the message.

speakout · 19/10/2017 21:59

sadie9 I wouldn't spoon feed a man like this.
A woman shouldn't have to delegate and instruct like this- that still means she still is assuming the burden and he is "pitching in " to help.
He has to realise his own responsibilities.

He will soon get the message when he has no clean clothes to wear and no food cooked for him.

EllaHen · 19/10/2017 22:01

Eh, train him? No, he's being deliberately obtuse. Fucking hell, why do so many fall for it?

Dontlaugh · 19/10/2017 22:04

Why should a grown adult man need instructions on how to "adult"? Do this, cook that, bring child here, wash that. Why why why should a grown adult man need this level of instruction? One who presumably consented to procreating?
What did he do before he met a partner and had a child?
Lived in the street? Slept in a shelter? No?
What?! He knew what bills were?! And how to pay them? And that food didn't appear from the sky?
Wtf!
Astonishing.
Not.

cluelessnewmum · 19/10/2017 22:06

I found if was better with my dh to have domains we're both responsible for.

You need give him something to be responsible for eg laundry or garden, whatever. You need to be really clear that it's very important to you that things change, you've said you'd rather sort it out than leave him which shows leaving him has crossed your mind.

As wishingonabar said, you do sound hyperorganised though so you'll have to expect some things will not be done with the same level of organisation, but if you don't want the mental load you have to let go to some extent.

emsmum79 · 19/10/2017 22:20

I definitely am organised - but I have stepped back from certain things to give him a chance. For example, we were both off one day this week. He still hadn't suggested anything for us to do. I gave up and suggested something and asked why he hadn't after breakfast that morning. I have asked him to look up holiday destinations, ideas for meals, places for a day out... He never does it.
@sadie9, my OP probably wasn't clear enough- I prompt things that need done all the time. And he will do them. But I'm just sick of having to ask!
I just want to feel like equal partners - not me running it all and him helping out

OP posts:

WishingOnABar · 19/10/2017 22:25

. For example, we were both off one day this week. He still hadn't suggested anything for us to do. I gave up and suggested something and asked why he hadn't after breakfast that morning. I have asked him to look up holiday destinations, ideas for meals, places for a day out... He never does it.
Maybe he just wanted... a day off? Do you always have to have a plan op? I’m honestly not trying to cause offence but you sound like you really struggle to just let things go a bit. I speak as a lp, the one person doing everything myself in the house also. Sometimes you have to just take a breqk and say screw the housework

emsmum79 · 19/10/2017 22:29

Maybe he just wanted... a day off?

Sorry, he knows that i'd be happy with the plan being pottering about the house, playing with dd, and a walk around the block.
It's hard writing things like this clearly!

OP posts:

emsmum79 · 19/10/2017 22:32

And i do struggle to let things go, especially just now because I've let it build up because he's not making any effort (he agrees that he's not making any). How do I let it go? Any tips?

OP posts:

CaretakerToNuns · 19/10/2017 22:33

LTB.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2017 22:34

Have you asked him why it's necessary for you to do things which clearly need to be done? Let me guess, him mum did absolutely anything and everything for him when he was growing up.

WishingOnABar · 19/10/2017 22:34

I understand op, essentially if you dont do something or plan something it doesnt get done at all so you have ultimately taken over the responsibility of everything. In this case I would repeat that he needs to see it’s no longer being done for him, which means your own standards will have to drop for a short period of time. When food doesnt appear he’ll have to eat somehow, and when you hear him clattering about in the kitchen just amble in and ask whats for dinner 😁

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Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2017 22:35

He AGREES he makes no effort and he thinks you'll be ok with that?! What if YOU made no effort to do anything? Would he hang around? Ask him THAT.

emsmum79 · 19/10/2017 22:40

"When food doesnt appear he’ll have to eat somehow, and when you hear him clattering about in the kitchen just amble in and ask whats for dinner"

I totally agree with the principle of this, but how does it work in reality when I'm still cooking for dd and I?

OP posts:

speakout · 19/10/2017 22:41

OP what time do you get back from work? What time does your OH get back? Is the child at nursery?

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