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I'm so ungrateful I know I'm being U but what should I do?

(61 Posts)
sickofmyself1 Thu 19-Oct-17 13:53:17

One of my expensive kitchen appliances has broken. Money is tight at the minute and it's a blow.

DP and I are engaged but not living together. DP has an income much larger than mine and has been saying for ages oh I want to buy you a new X but I've said no it's alright. I would have preferred to save up and buy it myself and had thought it would be alright for another while! I was quite shocked it suddenly is useless.

DP then had a few drinks and said I'm going to buy you the top of the range one, because you get what you pay for and you're worth it I want you to have the best. I said I'd think about it, not sure if I was ok with it, but privately thought yes there's a grain of truth in it that buying better quality is good if you can afford it. There was lot of oh I got this excellent one for my (adult) daughter and she loves it, it's a beautiful product, well worth it, I want you to have the best.

Next day DP has had total change of heart, is assuming I want it bought for me but wants to buy the cheapest one. I feel really awkward about this but it's really not that helpful to get the absolutely cheapest of the bunch.

So I've said not to go ahead and order it and now things feel awkward between us.

I'm shit with this kind of thing and know I'm b u because it's generous and I basically am looking a gift horse in the mouth! But at the same time, I can't help feeling a bit like - would this be the same when we're married, Because of our different incomes will I always be the poor relation in my own home when we live together?

Money has never made me uncomfortable in my relationship before now but now I'm wondering.

I guess this is why having different incomes can create problems?

Appuskidu Thu 19-Oct-17 13:55:31

I'm confused-is he buying you the cheap one or the top of the range one?

Awwlookatmybabyspider Thu 19-Oct-17 14:00:42

I don't blame you being upset.
You don't make promises you can't keep.
Well youve certainly learned lesson number for when you get married.
Take most of what he says with a pinch of salt especially after he's had a drink.

PinkHeart5914 Thu 19-Oct-17 14:01:53

You don’t sound great wanting the item but only if he buys the most expensive one and I can see why he wouldn’t want to buy the more expensive one for a house he doesn’t live in tbh

Before me & Dh lived together I would never of expected or let him buy household appliances as it wasn’t his home so why would he

PinkHeart5914 Thu 19-Oct-17 14:02:50

Also people talk rubbish when drunk so I would of took the offer with a pinch of salt anyway

Awwlookatmybabyspider Thu 19-Oct-17 14:02:51

He's clearly one of those scatter the cash and promising the world when he's had a drink, then as soon as the cold light of day hits. He shits himself about spending money

sickofmyself1 Thu 19-Oct-17 14:10:15

No I don't expect the top of the range but I do want something more middle of the range than absolute cheapest. Think lighting oven with matches instead of the click button, although the rings do have a button.

SilverSpot Thu 19-Oct-17 14:13:35

Just say "thanks love, that was v generous offering to buy me the cooker by I think I'd prefer to save up and get the <brand name> one I had my eye on"

Danceswithwarthogs Thu 19-Oct-17 14:15:21

Could you be extremely grateful for the offer to buy a new one but explain you don't want to waste anyone's money in the long run by buying something cheap but not quite suitable. Could you suggest topping up the difference to a mid range option that you're happy with... Or find a better one in the sale for same price as basic?

Whinesalot Thu 19-Oct-17 14:15:37

Ask him to lend you the money as you want to but your own but also a slightly better model. Then hope he doesn't want you to pay all the money back. If he does want it all paying back then at least you'll have what you want rather than one you don't.

Danceswithwarthogs Thu 19-Oct-17 14:16:16

Black Friday?

sickofmyself1 Thu 19-Oct-17 14:16:22

Yes I've said similar. Things feel a little odd though.

Welwyncitydweller Thu 19-Oct-17 14:16:53

But you said you’d think about it, instead of “yes ok I’ll have that one”. He picked up you felt uncomfortable. You need to say what you mean

mirime Thu 19-Oct-17 14:18:01

You don’t sound great wanting the item but only if he buys the most expensive one and I can see why he wouldn’t want to buy the more expensive one for a house he doesn’t live in tbh

He offered, and as they're engaged I'd assume he's planning on the living together in the future and then he'd have the benefit of whatever it is as well.

He's also the one who talked up the benefits of the more expenisve option and persuaded the OP of how much better it would be and has then switched his offer to the absolute cheapest.

I'd be keeping an eye on his future behaviour as I don't think this bodes well. I also wouldn't be rushing in to moving in together.

sharperpencil Thu 19-Oct-17 14:20:00

I think honesty is the best policy here. Tell him you're really grateful for the offer but it's false economy buying BOR and suggest you choose something in the middle.

pallisers Thu 19-Oct-17 14:23:26

Just say "thanks love, that was v generous offering to buy me the cooker by I think I'd prefer to save up and get the <brand name> one I had my eye on"

This is perfect. I wouldn't be asking him for money either. Better off doing it yourself. You really aren't being unreasonable. This is your home and your kitchen. It is ok to want a particular appliance and not just accept the one he wants to get.

sickofmyself1 Thu 19-Oct-17 14:25:56

Yes I said I'd think about it, because I needed to think! No way would I spontaneously order an expensive item online after a few drinks so I would not have been comfortable letting my DP do that either. I'm very glad I didn't as clearly it was not really OK to accept it, it was only said from a lack of inhibition due to the booze.

Not very drunk or anything I estimate two or three drinks (after a dinner with clients where i think its possible to be mostly fine, but quite tipsy) but still, obviously too much.

sickofmyself1 Thu 19-Oct-17 14:29:41

(He's also the one who talked up the benefits of the more expenisve option and persuaded the OP of how much better it would be and has then switched his offer to the absolute cheapest.)

Sorry, I don't know how to put this in bold but yes this is part of what is making me uncomfortable. I suppose it was just the drink though?

InvisibleKittenAttack Thu 19-Oct-17 14:30:44

The saying you are going to save up for the one you want makes sense. However, what is the living plan once you are married if you are engaged now? Is he planning on moving in to your house or will you be selling up and living together? Effectively are you, on a lower wage, saving up to furnish the family home, which he will just move into, having been able to spend his money on what he wants?

Or will you be moving into his house? (in which case would it be more sensible to get the cheapest option now, if it's only got to last you less than a year).

There does need to be a proper chat about how you see finances being shared once you live together, be careful about him just paying you 'rent' effectively and you being responsible for saving for family items out of it. A joint account for all bills and house hold costs (including big items) that you both pay into, deciding how you will balance how much you pay in as a ratio and if you over pay to be able to save for joint things in that account rather than your solo ones is worth a proper conversation.

(And I would say unless you have religious pressure not too, I really wouldn't advise booking a wedding until you have lived together for a while)

mummyretired Thu 19-Oct-17 14:30:55

I would be unhappy that he wanted to get me the cheapest one but had bought his daughter the most expensive one, unless his circumstances had changed or there was a special reason (think wedding present).

But - it would depend whether this x is something you will both be using when you get married, or a stopgap x until you move in with him... I would expect a stopgap to be cheap.

BarbaraofSevillle Thu 19-Oct-17 14:32:04

It's not a matter of only wanting the expensive version, it's about getting exactly the make/model that the OP wants, with the right features/colour/whatever.

Kitchen appliances can last a very long time, so it's a long time to put up with something that's not exactly right because it wasn't the chosen model.

What if the one the OP has chosen comes in a certain colour that matches her kitchen? Should she put up with a red mixer in a blue kitchen for example just for the sake of politeness and to not appear ungrateful?

This is why I'd rather people don't buy me things to be honest - I'd rather buy it myself so I get exactly what I want, rather than a different version of the item, that's not to my taste.

LewisThere Thu 19-Oct-17 14:32:41

If you are engaged, I assume you are alsomplanning a wedding and living together?
When is that going to happen?

I think that before that, you will need to have some discussions about money, how things will be split etc etc.
I would have been very uncomfortable about an offer to have the top of the range to be reduced to the cheapest one available. That would sound to me that he was in effect retracting his initial proposal you didn't feel he could just say 'no actually i don't want to' so went to damage limitation instead.

SequinsOnEverything Thu 19-Oct-17 14:32:57

When are you planning on living together? In whose house? Will you still need this cooker then? If not then I'd say the cheapest is fine

LewisThere Thu 19-Oct-17 14:34:14

And btw, you are NOT being ungrateful at all.
Not wanting a gift that is actually an inconvenience for you (the cheapest item that doesn't fulfil what you want itnto do) is NOT being ungrateful at all.

sickofmyself1 Thu 19-Oct-17 14:39:01

(would have been very uncomfortable about an offer to have the top of the range to be reduced to the cheapest one available. That would sound to me that he was in effect retracting his initial proposal you didn't feel he could just say 'no actually i don't want to' so went to damage limitation instead)

Yes I feel a bit like this.

Living arrangements aren't decided yet for a few reasons I can't really go into here but involve jobs and children so a little complicated.

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