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Sexual harassment at work

(7 Posts)
Pagen Wed 18-Oct-17 13:50:49

Hi, happy to take whatever advice is offered as I'm a little lost at the moment how to deal with this.
Last weekend I did an extra bar shift at the place where I work as a receptionist, I occasionally earn a bit extra doing bar and waiting on. Unfortunately I was put on the bar with a lad who has always made me feel a bit uncomfortable. He's a big lad and I've always put his accidental brushes and closeness down to his size and unawareness of personal space but on this shift I realised i've taken to standing with one foot stuck out whenever he's nearby so that he has no choice but to navigate further round me or trip up and it only then occurred to me that the situation is getting a bit silly.
So on Monday at work I approached one of the other girls who does bar occasionally and asked her if this lad had ever made her feel uncomfortable or was it just me and she replied that yes he makes her feel the same and actually the last shift she worked with him he ran his hand across her bum and then pinched her! She shouted and told him off and the scene was witnessed by a couple of the regulars, one of whom told this lad it was inappropriate behaviour. I was shocked and told her that I was going to report it to the manager which i then did.
My manager is young and was unsure exactly how to deal with my complaint and went for advice from an equally young manager, he then asked me to email him my complaint but not to mention my colleague who he had spoken to and said she didn't want to get involved. I emailed a formal complaint to which he replied that he had spoken to the lad involved formally, a copy was going on his record and he had been told he would be monitored - I replied that I was happy with this as a resolution as long as there are no further occurrences.
My problem now is that I feel I've upset the apple cart. The other female colleague I think is avoiding me and I've heard that another male colleague said to her 'ooops, better be careful, don't want you to think i've touched you'. My manager told me that the incident was discussed in his weekly managers meeting and everyone said that this lad would never mean anything by it and that actually i should admit to him it was me who made the complaint so he doesn't feel victimised and then maybe we can talk it out (He has now called in sick). Now i feel like I'm being judged for making this complaint against a popular member of staff who has been here longer than me. My husband is fuming at my manager and wants to tear him a new one but I've told him Ill handle it but TBH at the moment I'm just hoping it will blow over. WWYD?

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Wed 18-Oct-17 14:00:35

Im confused. You reported him touching her ...... what form did this take?. You can't report sexual harassment by proxy. You can report that he makes you feel cuncomfortable but you have no rights to make a complaint on behalf of another person, as you have now found out, they dont want to follow it through so you are now the aggressor and the bully in this situation.

You now know how the others are closing ranks on you. She had dealt with it, she had shouted at him, she had managed hte sutuation how she wanted it managed. You have disempowered her by wading in.

Next time you let other be the masters of their own destiny and offer to support if and when they choose to make a formal complaint.

Pagen Wed 18-Oct-17 14:18:36

Apologies for the confusion, I spoke to my manager informally about this lad making me feel uncomfortable and exactly what I have said here. I also said I had then spoken to another member of staff who told me about what happened to her. I didn't report her incident without her knowledge and after our conversation i thought I was reporting with her agreement, in fact I specifically asked her if I should mention it, it is only since then that she has told the manager she doesn't want to get involved. I would have reported how i felt anyway despite my conversation with my colleague but i felt more determined after speaking to her because it affirmed to me that it wasn't just in my head. My formal written email complaint did not mention her at all only my specific concerns.
So are you saying that I am an aggressor and a bully for reporting him making me feel uncomfortable?

Needadvicetoleave Wed 18-Oct-17 14:27:30

You did the right thing. Well done. More women need to report this shit.

Needadvicetoleave Wed 18-Oct-17 14:30:30

You are NOT the aggressor. All your colleagues need to get the message that they shouldn't be touching other people without their consent.

The touchy man may feel your colleague reported him but all that means is that he knows he's done something wrong and knew it before it was reported. Hopefully it'll be lesson learned for him but sadly I doubt it.

Iwantamarshmallow Wed 18-Oct-17 14:54:45

You are not in the wrong here. You are not obliged in any way to tell this guy you made the accusation. I’m not even sure its legal for your manager to suggest you do so. Do you have a union or a hr department you can contact for advise ?

redexpat Wed 18-Oct-17 16:21:55

I would get advice grom your union or ACAS. Whatever this guys feelings are they are not your problem. You shouldnt have to stick your foot out to avoid being harrassed. The other girl is backing down because of the cictim blaming. At least your manager has dealt with it.

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