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To not have my dh as my birth partner

(29 Posts)
thedaftcrusader Wed 18-Oct-17 13:49:33

It’s just that really. Its our pfb and I’m pretty nervous about the unknown. I’ve asked him to come to antenatal classes as I’ve done a lot of looking into births and what can go wrong but know he’s fairly oblivious to the whole thing. I want to feel supported if anything goes wrong and not have to explain what’s happening and essentially support him through the whole process. He’s refusing to even entertain the idea of going to one, doesn’t see the point and think it will all be ok on the day. WIBU to basically give him the ultimatum of either come to a class or I’ll ask someone else to be my birth partner and you won’t be there to see the birth of your first child?

liminality Wed 18-Oct-17 13:52:35

Nope, YANBU. ANd even if he does come, you probably need a strong advocate, a tough woman friend to speak for you when you're going under. If you can't trust him to hold them to your birthplan, you def need someone else.

PinkHeart5914 Wed 18-Oct-17 13:53:26

Honestly if anything was to go wrong he will just cope, becuase it’s the kind of situation you just cope with. Also if something goes wrong you won’t have time to explain it To anybody so that’s not really an issue

Imo antenatal classes don’t really prepare anyone for anything they just make you think they do

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Wed 18-Oct-17 13:54:07

Why are you married to him? You dont seem to like him very much

Ploppie4 Wed 18-Oct-17 13:55:35

Choose someone who will support you. Give him the option now but tell him you will look at other options if he’s not interested

Havingahorridtime Wed 18-Oct-17 13:57:04

Yanbu to want a supportive birth partner but if that is your only reason for not wanting your partner there then could you have your partner and somebody else there who you think will be supportive?
To be honest birth partners can't really do much except pass you stuff, mop your brow and be there to accept any verbal abuse or hand squeezing anyway. The medical staff will do anything else.

ZippyCameBack Wed 18-Oct-17 13:58:56

If you feel he might need more from you than he gives to you in the way of support, then you should get someone else. Surely attending the classes with you is part of that?

Ansumpasty Wed 18-Oct-17 14:00:01

If something was going wrong, he wouldn't be the one doing the surgery etc. In my honest opinion, those classes don't prepare you for anything and are mostly just to build excitement.
Unless he's the one delivering the baby, he doesn't need to know the ins and outs of it. He's the father and surely you want him there at the birth of his child. It's his experience too and I think YABU to tell him he can't go just because he doesn't want to attend a class.

thedaftcrusader Wed 18-Oct-17 14:02:48

@SloeSloeQuickQuickGin i don’t quite know how you’ve got to I don’t like him.

I just want him to understand and get into the mind set of how potentially overwhelming this could be. I’m really worried he’s going to panic, end up in a state and not be able to advocate for me if I need him to. I think he thinks we’ll go into hospital, the baby will pop out and we’ll leave, in an ideal world that’s how it’ll go but I just want him to be prepared.

PurpleWithRed Wed 18-Oct-17 14:03:12

DH was like this - it wasn’t so much the practical stuff that concerned me, it was the realisation he just didn’t think that the birth of our baby was important enough for him to invest any time or knowledge in it, and my need to have him up to speed didn’t matter to him.

Took me another 15 years to divorce him though.

lemureyes Wed 18-Oct-17 14:04:47

If something goes wrong he will cope and the nurses/midwives will keep him up to date.

When I had DS I really didn't care about who was in the room I was just focused on getting that gas and air in and baby out.

Also don't worry yourself about what might go wrong etc it's not good for you, just enjoy the rest of your pregnancy 😊

Maryann1975 Wed 18-Oct-17 14:05:23

I’ve got three dc. My first labour went quite a bit away from the birth plan, second one was so easy, that wasn’t close to the delivery plan because it was so straightforward and the third, we were lucky to stay on the birth plan because it very nearly went completely wrong (homebirth, but dd had pooed, so an ambulance was called to transfer us, but she came to quick so it wasn’t needed).
I don’t remember having to explain anything to dh, the midwives did it all, all he had to do was the practical stuff, sort out towels, birth pool, neighbour to look after older children.
I do think he needs to have some idea about what’s going on, but I’m not convinced the only place he can learn this is from an antenatal class, the ones I had were pretty crap. Would he learn better from reading information online or from a book?

happymumof4crazykids Wed 18-Oct-17 14:09:37

Ask him to watch one born every minute ! Much more truthful and probably more practical in preparing both of you for the birth than antenatal classes!

kaytee87 Wed 18-Oct-17 14:09:38

My DH went to the classes but was a bit rubbish, had a headache during my labour and also fell asleep at one point 😂
Tbh I didn’t really care at the time, I sort of went into myself, I only wanted him to hold my hand when we went down to theatre, before that I wouldn’t have noticed if he was there or not.
Yanbu however, the labour itself is completely about you and if you would feel more supported with someone else there then you do that. Could you have 2 people?

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Wed 18-Oct-17 14:11:50

i don’t quite know how you’ve got to I don’t like him. Coz you didnt say anything nice about him

TBH no birth dgoes according to plan. A birth plan is a wish list, a bit like a toddler let loose with the Argos catalogue

Myheartbelongsto Wed 18-Oct-17 14:12:22

Trust me, you won't give two shits at the time.

Well, maybe one but that's natural during labour.

Lexieblue Wed 18-Oct-17 14:15:06

YANBU. It's your body that will go through the birth, you're entitled to a birth partner who has listened to what you want from them. You're so vulnerable in labour you definitely want to feel secure with who you have chosen.

Kr1st1na Wed 18-Oct-17 14:15:13

YANBU. Ask someone who will support you. I wish I'd done that and not had my sons father, who was worse that useless.

Who are you thinking of asking - friend, sister ,mum ?

MrsC2000 Wed 18-Oct-17 14:18:49

I had my husband and my mum. We never went to any classes. On a practical level, my mum was probably better and was able to better advocate for me and even now enjoy talking about it with her as she remembers all the details which my husband doesn't. On a more emotional level, I couldn't imagine not wanting my husband there and he would have hated to not seeing his child born. As it happened, I had an emergency section and it was him that was in theatre with me

thedaftcrusader Wed 18-Oct-17 14:20:43

He is my first choice and tbh I didn’t want anyone else to be there. I think either my mom or my best friend would be his replacement but not sure which of those I’d ask

Pooshweens Wed 18-Oct-17 14:20:54

Surely he'd want to be there for you? Is feel a bit mean not including him

He doesn't need to know what's going on, that's the midwifes job. I would ask him to just watch I've born every minute

Tbh those anti natal classes are a waste of time IMO as it'll come out anyway!!

FizzyGreenWater Wed 18-Oct-17 14:22:42

Forget the antenatal classes. They won't necessarily help with this.

The issue is that you are the person who knows your DH. You are also the person giving birth. You think that he quite possibly isn't the right person to advocate for you.

Those are all the statements anyone needs to be aware of. It's your birth (yes yours - not his too - your body undergoing this, your frame of mind is vital to the outcome, you are the one on the line, NOT HIM). If you are not confident in him as a birth partner who will support you in the way you want to be supported - then don't have him there.

Yes, it's more important than him seeing the birth. I'm vocal about this - a friend firmly blames her H's hideous attitude in the delivery room for her eventual CS. She felt bullied, unsupported and not advocated for. He let her down and she bitterly resents him for it.

I'm sure your situation would not be as extreme but basically- don't put your feelings second here, you can't afford to. You NEED to come first re support and having things the way you want them as that is one of the key indicators for an easier birth.

So if you have a mum/friend/doula then go for that and he could come in straight away afterwards.

Bisquick Wed 18-Oct-17 14:23:49

If your DH is anything like mine (or me) his understanding of birth probably solely comes from bad TV and movies. An antenatal class or even watching a few videos online is a good way to gear up for what is likely to happen. As long as all is proceeding well you need a birth partner to have some understanding of what you're going through, what the next stage is, what they can do to be supportive etc.

Say your contractions are gearing up - does he call the hospital? For that he needs to know that he needs to measure how far apart the contractions are, call the hospital, put your bag into the car and know where everything is, know what to tell the midwife when you get to the hospital, and understand how to support you. (And not for example tell you it'll all be over soon when you are 3cm dilated and hours and hours away from delivery).

If, god forbid, things go wrong, your DH won't be much use - it'll be medical personnel who make decisions at that point. I had a crash cart scenario in my last labour sadly and they wanted to do an EMCS - I just remember them bundling DH out of the room for GA, and bringing him back in when they realised there was sadly no more point in doing an EMCS. So don't focus too much on things going wrong - it'll probably needlessly spook him

Good luck for your labour and birth! Also depends on how far along you are - if you're having this discussion at 8-12 weeks you're probably jumping the gun a bit. But at 30-32 weeks he should be reading up more and gearing up for it!

Glovebug Wed 18-Oct-17 14:28:14

He needs to be your advocate and speak for you when you can't. If he's not up to that then find someone else (although there's no reason why he can't still be present even if you bring someone else in).

DH was as useful as a chocolate teapot during the birth of DC1 (spent a lot of time locked in the toilet crying on the phone to his mum). He had been to an antenatal class, discussed my birth plan etc with me but he hadn't really taken it all seriously and wasn't prepared for the real thing. So glad for DM being there too as she really spoke up for me when I needed her to.

DH was great at birth of DC2, a lot calmer as he'd been through it all before.

Whilst I think the classes etc don't always prepare you for what's to come, he needs to take this seriously and really take time to understand what your wishes are, what sort of things could happen on the day etc.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 18-Oct-17 14:38:58

It is true that if things get serious then no, your DH won't be expected to be much use BUT his role as your advocate is also a serious one, and if he is not up to it then get someone who is. You should be thinking about what you do and do not want to happen and he needs to understand that his job is to step up and speak for you if you can't. Even things as seemingly 'small' as wanting to remain mobile are important - don't be put into the position of resenting him because he stood by when the staff were bossing you back up on the bed and making you distressed and he stood by instead of being your advocate. If you think he'll be passive and not support you, or worse still demand attention and make any tense times worse, then really, don't have him there.

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