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blocking sisters

(21 Posts)
chocolatetulip Wed 18-Oct-17 13:27:04

This is so outing but oh well...
4 years ago I had my first dc and when she was a newborn me and my older sister fell out. It was a stupid row and normally we would have patched things up but her controlling bf got involved and sent me essay long texts about what I'd done wrong even though he wasn't involved in the row and eventually with me struggling with a new baby and couldn't be arsed with the drama I just said I'd had enough of trying to make up and it never happening (it went on for months) so I said just leave it, I blocked her on everything after her bf removed me from fb and kept sending me messages and I said to her to ask him to stay out of it and it was all a bit stupid really.

Anyway two years after this my younger sister said if I don't make up with older one she will cut me off. I said I that's her choice as it's unlikely to happen now. Two years on and both sisters no contact the younger sister has suddenly text me asking for money for my mums birthday present literally status what present my mum wants asking for money and nothing else. Every year without fail they've hogged Christmas, my mums birthday and Mother's Day and arranged things with all three of them to exclude me from spending any of these times with my mum. My mum thinks hats ok as well so I've also given up there.

I am very happy without them in my life and now realise how toxic our relationships were in the first place so aibu to simply block her or would it be better to reply. I don't want any contact with them and after years of counselling believe I'm now better off without knowing them. Sad but I can't change the family dynamics.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Wed 18-Oct-17 13:30:33

If you find you truely are managingwithout them in your life, then I really wouldnt even bother responding to the email/text. I never see the point of creating and perpetuating drama when you you can quietly side step it. By doing that you take the moral high ground but more importantly, if you choose to, you have left the door open.

KimmySchmidt1 Wed 18-Oct-17 13:31:46

Never say never. Blocking is bloody childish. If one of them gets cancer you might find you can forgive them. I appreciate you have had counselling so have some proper insight into this, but when your mum dies you might want to try again. Don't do anything you can't take back.

Hisnamesblaine Wed 18-Oct-17 13:33:06

So you don't have any contact at all with your mum?

chocolatetulip Wed 18-Oct-17 13:38:07

I have contact with my mum as normal but I don't see her on any special occasions because they book her in before I can ie Boxing Day they'll make sure she's at next years christmas.
Blocking is the only way I've found I can get left alone by them although I agree it is childish but it's worked.
I've forgiven all of them I just don't want them in my life and I don't like being contacted only to be used which looking back is what they mostly did before the row. I would be quite happy not to see them again. It's been 4 years nc for one sister and I am still ok with that and don't regret it. I found the drama too much and have my own family now. I feel this latest communication shows they will slot me back into the same old dynamic of using me whenevers convenient to them which is why I'm considering blocking them so they can't do it again.

Mittens1969 Wed 18-Oct-17 14:07:02

It’s very sad but I can understand why you’ve done it. I wish I had the courage to do the same with my brother, as I want to go NC because of things that happened in the past. But he has MH problems and I haven’t got the heart to openly distance myself from him. But he calls here too often.

I think you should speak to your DM. It’s up to her who she stays with for Christmas surely so she can tell your sisters that’s what she wants to do.

chocolatetulip Wed 18-Oct-17 14:45:06

Yes my mums passive, I've brought it up and she either lies or goes silent. It's always been the path of least resistance with my mum and because I just let her get on with it she chooses to go with them without question. When the row first happened I asked my mum to sit in a room with my sister so we could sort it out between us but my mum said she didn't want to. It's helped knowing they can't hurt me anymore. A few years ago just this text would have hurt me so much but now I'm trying to be practical and think how can I make the best outcome here. Do I ignore/block/reply. I want to do what's best still but I just don't know what that is.

klf1307 Wed 18-Oct-17 14:49:36

I would reply and say I already got mum a present and leave it at that. And arrange something with mum either well in advance or on a different day for her birthday. That way you get time with your mum 1:1 and don't have contact with your sisters. Just do your own thing... no dramas
.

chitofftheshovel Wed 18-Oct-17 14:49:46

I'd ignore it if it were me or it could open up a can of worms.

krustykittens Wed 18-Oct-17 14:56:19

You should block them, you clearly haven't taken this decision lightly and I wouldn't give them any avenue to contact you. But I would be having words with your mother, if I were you. She sounds like she is siding with them or at least enabling and justifying their toxic behaviour by excluding you. We had a similar situation in my family. One of my aunts, who was a bit of a weapon, fell out with another aunt over something stupid. She wanted the whole family to side with her and alas, one aunt did. Spouses and kids fell out and refused to speak to each other, it was awful. My grandmother, on other hand, refused to put up with it. She told bitch-from-hell Aunt, that it broke her heart that she would no longer talk to her sister but she wasn't going to play favourites, they were both her children. Special occasions, EVERYONE was invited and if there was anyone who felt they couldn't put on a veneer of civility for a couple of hours, they were welcome to decline invites. Bitch-from-hell aunt didn't feel put out enough to exclude herself from her mother's life, so it worked. It wasn't comfortable, but the excluded aunt never felt she was shut off from her mother or that she wasn't loved as much as her sister. It's a stupid way for adults to carry on but bitch-from-hell aunt is a truly toxic person and is never going to change. My grandmother still loved her and wanted all her children around her on special days.

chocolatetulip Wed 18-Oct-17 14:56:36

Thanks yes I don't want to be nasty I just don't want to give a reaction that will just lead to more drama

radiosignal Wed 18-Oct-17 14:59:35

I think if you are truly happier without them in your life, ignore her message. I find it staggering that your mum goes along with your sisters appalling behaviour. I would be hurt beyond words if I were you, but you seem to have pulled through and got to a better, stage, so leave things as they are.
As for social media, why is this the chief way in which your family communicates? Why don't you phone each other? Crazy.

Mittens1969 Wed 18-Oct-17 16:08:50

That’s a horrible situation you’re in, OP, your mother is definitely enabling your sisters’ toxic behaviour. I agree that you’re making the right call.

MintyChops Wed 18-Oct-17 17:26:41

Agree with others, ignore and make your own arrangements with your mum.

TemptressofWaikiki Wed 18-Oct-17 17:33:40

Blocking is a healthy tactic. And to another poster above, ignore the daft comment, shitty people get cancer too! That does not mean you have to let toxic people back in your life. OP if you are feeling less stressed and better without them in your life then you have your answer. Ignore the message and decide if you want to organise your own present for your mother.

AnnaThursday Wed 18-Oct-17 18:12:06

I’m in a similar situation with my sisters, OP, only it’s been many years
since I last contacted them.
In your shoes I’d ignore the message
then you haven’t totally blocked off all means of contacting you in the future - just in case there’s a sea change in their attitude or you feel
you should let them know something important.

chocolatetulip Wed 18-Oct-17 21:38:00

Thanks for the replies. I had to stop counselling as couldn't afford it any more but when I went it was so helpful because when I said about my mum my counsellor pointed out that's not healthy actions towards me and not what a mother would normally do.
It was completely normal to me. The first year of nc I found out that for my mums birthday they arranged a trip without me and they'd met right across from my house and my mum just went alone with the them without questioning if they'd invited me. I found out through Facebook pictures, another reason I just blocked one sister on everything so I didn't need to see it. My mum had deliberately not mentioned the trip.
So far I've just ignored the text. They can see I've read it but at least nc means I won't hear what they think. Reading it through it sounds like my mums asked for an expensive present so they want to reduce their costs towards it and that's where they expect me to come in. My main reaction was bloody cheek and then I suppose the hurt realisation that's why I don't really want them back in my life. I'm sorry to anyone else nc with family members. As I said I'd tried to reconcile but neither of us were getting anywhere so I told her I felt better leaving it after months of silly petty texts. My younger sister jumping on the bandwagon two years later came out of the blue and in a conversation where I was saying I was being financially abused by my h. She said she would not be there for me or help me in anyway unless I made up with the older one. I said thats unlikely to happen and she said fine and then got angry and abusive and started mimicking me. That's the last time I spoke to her. I never said I wanted nc with her but we've not spoken since. I'm now happier without either of them. And the text just threw years of me getting used to life without them in the Air a bit. But I will ignore it and then just continue my life I think. I can't see what good will come from any action I do tbh.

emmyrose2000 Thu 19-Oct-17 09:28:16

I would ignore the text. I'd also block both sisters on anything else they can still contact you on.

I'm sorry to say, but your mum HAS taken sides - and it's not yours. By being so passive and pathetic she has most definitely shown that she's taken your sisters' sides. In this instance I'd block her too. I wouldn't want someone so hurtful and gutless in my life.

Mrsmadevans Thu 19-Oct-17 09:51:11

Block them all except your dm .
I wish I could be as brave

Nanny0gg Thu 19-Oct-17 09:55:13

Never say never. Blocking is bloody childish. If one of them gets cancer you might find you can forgive them.

It's not childish, it's self-preservation.

And if people are hideous to you, why does them having cancer make them forgivable?

chocolatetulip Thu 19-Oct-17 20:07:18

Thanks all. I am going to ignore it. I've read the text again and noticed they've even used an old affectionate nickname that they haven't called me for a long time. Pulling out all the stops for some money I think.
I agree re my mum. It's nasty. And it's highlighted every time I look at my dc and think I could never treat my dc the way she treats me but she can and I have to get past that (else I'll end up some bitter, moany woman haha)

It's difficult and to anyone contemplating cutting someone off I can only say it's honestly taken me years to be able to wake up and not feel bad about it but now I am much happier and able to think of them in a nice way but also remember why I don't speak to them.

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