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Did I commit some sort of friendship faux pas?

(86 Posts)
QuackQuackDuck Tue 17-Oct-17 21:47:25

Situation is this. I'm part of a group of mums that all meet up regularly. We didn't all know each other when we got together but we all knew the organizer through one thing or another. There's 20 of us in the group with children ranging from 8 years to newborn - all of us have 1 child but some of us have as many as 6. We meet once a month or so although not everyone attends every month.

The organizer decided to run a competition to win a prize. The prize was paid for by her (the organizer), it was quite expensive a pamper box with bath stuff and makeup, a meal for 2 in a local restaurant (childcare thrown in by the organizer) and some treats for the kids; a colouring book, some small £land toys and some haribos. The competition was basically every one in the group nominating 3 other mums who we thought deserves the treat.

I thought hard about my nominations, and decided to go for a lady who lost her son to cancer after a year long battle with the disease and has 4 other children at home including the twin of the boy she lost as I felt she deserves a treat, a friend of mine who I know is struggling to conceive her 2nd child who needs a break and my last nomination went to a lady I don't know well but is always kind to me. Votes were done anonymously through Facebook messenger by the organizer only.

I actually won the competition, apparently people felt I've had a tough year with my extra needs daughter, with limited help as my husband also has health issues and family can't/won't help much.

I didn't feel I deserved the prize, I'm just a normal mum doing what I have to for my child. I decided to give the price to the first mum I nominated but she insisted I take the toys, sweets and colouring things for my DD. I didn't tell anyone I'd given her the prize or that we'd shared it (this mum came 2nd according to the organizer)

Now 2 of the mums in the group won't speak to me, when I asked them why they're ignoring me they tell me they're not but they're obviously snubbing me; won't talk directly to me unless they have to, refuse to make/buy me a drink but make/buy for everyone else in the group, deliberately sit with their backs to me. Neither of these women were mums I nominated, and I don't know where/if they were even in the rankings for the competition. My DD is the same age (2) as one of these womens children, but the other children are either much older or much younger.

Have I committed some sort of faux pas? was I meant to share the prize with everyone?

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Tue 17-Oct-17 21:49:15

Probably sulking because they didnt win.

DancingLedge Tue 17-Oct-17 21:49:50

Of course not.
You sound lovely and generous to have shared as you did.
They don't sound nice

WineIsMyMainVice Tue 17-Oct-17 21:51:26

No I don’t think you have. You sound very kind.
Sounds like a bit of an odd competition to be honest. But I don’t think you did anything wrong!

Bluntness100 Tue 17-Oct-17 21:53:09

Definitely, you did a lovely thing, god knows what they are doing but there is 17 other mums so don’t pay them any attention, bullies like attention. Show you don’t care, act happy, ignore it, talk to the,others.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue Tue 17-Oct-17 21:53:40

This is hands down the weirdest thing I've read today. No, you were being nice to share it, could be unrelated that they're ignoring you but a competition in a group of friends?? Is this an mlm thing?? Never heard of anything so bizarre, it seems specifically designed to create bad feeling and tension. I'd be wary of the 'organiser' as they'd onky know if she was shit stirring!

Toffeelatteplease Tue 17-Oct-17 21:54:03

Omg the whole group sounds like a nightmare!

Yeah you committed a faux past. Basically you totally overruled their opinion and by your actions said eye were wrong. That's not going to go down well.

However the whole thing comes over as almightily unpleasant popularity pity contest. It's unsurprisingly it's caused upset. One wonders what kind of unpleasant mind the organiser has that she likes pitting "friends" against each other.

NoStraightEdges Tue 17-Oct-17 21:54:54

No, but it all sounds well weird (if me and my mum mates held a competition it'd be all about who sung the loudest at kareoke or downing shots of tequila or something equally vulgar).

Keep being you and don't sink to their (the snubby mums) level smile

Toffeelatteplease Tue 17-Oct-17 21:55:12

by your actions said I'm right you're all wrong.

DillyDilly Tue 17-Oct-17 21:57:08

I’d ignore them. It was a stupid idea for a competition anyway. Everyone secretly probably felt they deserved it. It sounds little like a popularity competition- bound to end in tears,

Santawontbelong Tue 17-Oct-17 21:59:15

Maybe they had been sucking up to the organiser in the hope of winning and realise their efforts were wasted!!

Welwyncitydweller Tue 17-Oct-17 21:59:26

Lovely of you to do what you did. Odd that comp organiser paid out of her own pocket, I’d say there’s an unwritten dynamic/rule (unknown to you) about that which whilst bizarre might explain the other women's behaviour. My advice is to mine the group for real friendships then leave

NoCryLilSoftSoft Tue 17-Oct-17 22:01:18

Basically you totally overruled their opinion and by your actions said eye were wrong. That's not going to go down well.

Except she didn't tell anyone she had done it!

ILoveDolly Tue 17-Oct-17 22:01:46

I don't think you did wrong, after all you just choose to share the prize which was yours to do what you wanted with. They are being petty. Although personally I'd be desperate to find out why.

RemainOptimistic Tue 17-Oct-17 22:04:25

That sounds completely bizarre. Why not have a secret santa type thing where everyone gets a little treat?

What does the organiser have to say about it? Surely they are the one who created this hurtful situation in the first place by making mums compete for a gift!

ShoesHaveSouls Tue 17-Oct-17 22:05:22

Terrible idea for a competition. Bound to cause bad feeling one way or another.

I don't think you did anything wrong though.

QuackQuackDuck Tue 17-Oct-17 22:06:10

remain Organizer just says it was all done fairly, and everyone was asked to nominate 3 mums, the only rule was you couldn't nominate yourself.

Nocabbageinmyeye Tue 17-Oct-17 22:08:02

You did because it wasn't the "oh huns oh my gosh hunni I can't believe it, I'd like to thank God and all of you wonderful ladies <wipes eye in Oscar style acceptance speech>" reaction they were expecting.

You did a nice thing just forget it but the draw is beyond weird

Notcontent Tue 17-Oct-17 22:09:20

No, you didn't do anything wrong but the whole competition sounds very weird and I think it was a very bad idea. Sounds like something that a group of year 7 girls would think up... Anything like that is bound to end in tears and what's the point.

RippleEffects Tue 17-Oct-17 22:09:34

Is it possible that the whole thing was a reuse for the others to treat you because they felt you needed/ deserved it?

PidgeonSpray Tue 17-Oct-17 22:09:46

You did a very nice thing sharing the prize. Definitely not a faux pauxI my book!

You could suggest to the organiser to do a names in a hat draw next time ... as it sounds like the others are annoyed for some reason?

(They voted for u and they are angry u shared? They thought u didn't "deserve" to win?)

Are u bothered enough to ask them? Sounds like there's plenty of other nice people in the group so just ignore them?

Plot luck would be better next time.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Tue 17-Oct-17 22:09:54

You can't please all of the people, all of the time, some of them are difficult to fathom.
What you did, was a lovely thing.
These flowers are for you ! 💐🌺🌸🌹

YellowFlower201 Tue 17-Oct-17 22:10:23

This is the oddest thing!! The whole competition is very, very, very weird.

They are probably offended cos they think you should have gratefully accepted their pity.

Not much you can do! They sound strange and so does the organiser.

Sandsnake Tue 17-Oct-17 22:10:57

Agree with PPs that the competition was a really odd thing to do. I find it strange that the organiser:
a) paid for the prize herself (and provided the labour with the childcare) and;
b) basically set you against each other in a 'who's most deserving'

I might be wide of the mark but it does not sound like a healthy dynamic. The organiser is perhaps enjoying their power and influence rather too much and controlling you all under the guise of being 'kind'. I would think about stepping back from the group a bit.

QuackQuackDuck Tue 17-Oct-17 22:14:54

Ripple I did wonder that, maybe they'd all put in to "treat" me, but why make it all about it being a secret ballet and not just tell me "We all paid for this treat for you"?

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