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To feel so unhappy in life

(5 Posts)
justmeandmeandonlyme Tue 17-Oct-17 15:43:11

I feel so unhappy in life and feel there is no way to make it better. I’m married and have kids and I SAH whilst my husband works full time. I feel like my life is just all about the children and keeping the house tidy. *

My husband works full time and earns his own money and I can’t get a job to work around his so I feel resentful that I would have to jump through hoops in terms of childcare to be able to work and financially it’s not viable. He only Income I have is child benefit and child tax credit based on my husbands salary and I pay the council tax ( £91 a month) has electric and the food shopping as well as the Internet bill and my phone bill. My husband pays the rent and his car and the rest is his so I feel like I have nothing left after paying everything. *
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I have no real friends as I’ve struggled with making friends all my my life due to bullying in high school and my mum controlling me making me stay in the home and wasn’t allowed out.. even at 17 she used to control me telling me i had to go to college and then Home or else she would get angry. And also the fact I don’t get a chance to make friends now anyway!

I don’t pursue anything outside the family home whereas my husband is a frequent gym goer and likes to socialise with his friends now and again having drinks.

I can’t trust my husband due to him chatting online with other woman before and there was a time I suspected he had a one night stand but couldn’t prove it.. so I’m constantly worrying he will cheat on me or leave me!

I find my daughter really hard work. She’s 5. I suspect she has autism. My doctors referred her to see a community paediatrician and she said she understand my concerns and tried her best to get my daughter assessed but the department said they would only see her if her school do assessments on her but the school refused so I have to deal with her meltdowns On a daily Basis and I’m struggling. One example of one was after tea she had a chocolate bar and because it was broke in two by mistake and not whole she had a massive meltdown! There’s loads more things she does as well which isn’t normal.

I don’t have a close relationship with my mum.. we get along but I resent her for putting smoking and alcohol before me when I was a child so we had morning and had a poor diet and Home life because of it.
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MissionItsPossible Tue 17-Oct-17 15:51:08

I'm really sorry as I don't know what to say but couldn't leave the thread without saying something as it was so sad to read. I hope things work out for you soon. Can you set aside a time for a day or two each week when she's at school and do something you enjoy? flowers

bridgetreilly Tue 17-Oct-17 15:51:26

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think you've ended up married to a controlling man. If he is the only wage earner, it is NOT okay for you to split your finances in this way, especially since you are ending up with no money of your own.

Since your child is at school, I would look at finding things you can do out of the house during school time. Maybe volunteer work? Something that will enable you to make some friends, gain some self-worth, build some skills?

I would definitely push for a diagnosis for your daughter. I don't see what it's got to do with the school. Start standing up for her as well as yourself.

ConciseandNice Tue 17-Oct-17 15:51:52

Firstly, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It's an awful way to feel.

Can I ask, why are you paying any bills? You don't work so financially he should be paying everything. You are married, so it makes no sense to me. He needs to be either giving you money or you should have a joint account and free rein.

It is incredibly hard to stay at home and for most women I know it can be monotonous and difficult and undermine your sense of self. There has to be life beyond just keeping house and looking after a child. No wonder you're down, but in the first instance you have to sort out the financial issues I think. I understand it doesn't necessarily make financial sense to work, but while your daughter is at school can you do something part time? Even volunteer?

amicissimma Tue 17-Oct-17 17:09:40

I'm sorry to read this.

I am a long-term SAHM and I treated it like any other job (although I had more emotional involvement).

Firstly, a couple with children have 3 blocks of tasks: 1) bring in money, 2) look after the children, 3) run the house. They can divide this up in all sorts of ways, but the money, the children and the house are all the responsibility of both adults, and, IMO, 'belong' to both adults.There is no 'my house' or 'my money' or 'my child', it's all 'ours'. So all the money is effectively pooled and spent on the house, the child(ren) and the adults, as evenly as possible.

If you fell off the planet, your DH couldn't just go to work, he'd have to sort out the child and house. You doing this is facilitating his career.

Secondly, being at home can be as challenging, in different ways, as working. The 'stuff' has to be done, but you need fulfilling. I set my life up so that I had something I did every day. In the early days I found a toddler group, or baby/toddler activity every day and took us off to it, whether I felt like it or not. I felt it was my responsibility to interact with human beings every day to keep myself mentally well for my sake as well as the DCs. When they started school I volunteered to listen to children reading and also help elderly people get to the mid-week service at my church. Somehow one thing lead to another and I got more involved with the school, and got some training, and more involved with the elderly community and a few other things that were organised either through the church or through its community contacts.

The result was that I ended up filling my days, but as it was voluntary, able to drop things if the DCs needed me and knowing a huge number of people in the local community, so I rarely went into the local town without running into someone I knew and often going for a coffee and a chat. The more people I know, the more I meet and the more suggestions I receive of activities I could join with. It's so much easier to talk to strangers if you are working on something together, than if you are just 'socialising'.

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