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AIBU?

To want to raise this with DD's Teacher at Parents Evening?

54 replies

ClothEaredBint · 17/10/2017 14:58

DD is 8 and in yr4.

She's been coming home quite unhappy recently and when I asked her, she said no-one wanted to play with her at school, when I probed a bit further, its the boys telling her to go away because she's a girl and they don't want to play with her... but because she's not 'girly' enough, the girls don't want to play with her either.

DD is quite boyish, she'd much rather hang around with the boys playing footballs, superhero's and dinosaurs, she's no interest in dolls and playing 'mommies and daddys' with the girls (using her words here) and is quite upset that she's being left out.

Its parents evening tomorrow, do you think its worth raising with her teacher about perhaps having a chat with the class about not leaving people out because they're the opposite sex in an attempt to encourage the boys to include her in their games?

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TeenTimesTwo · 17/10/2017 15:00

Yes, talk to teacher.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/10/2017 15:00

You should definitely raise it.
This is exclusion. It comes under bullying.

taratill · 17/10/2017 15:00

I would raise it as it is obviously upsetting your daughter. Many schools have friendship groups and the like as well so that might be an option.

If she is upset at school it wont help her learning so it is definitely appropriate to raise it.

Stompythedinosaur · 17/10/2017 15:03

Definitely raise it. They should be able to support her in making friends.

brasty · 17/10/2017 15:05

I am never sure what a teacher is supposed to do in these situations?

HidingBehindTheWallpaper · 17/10/2017 15:08

Having a class chat about there not being girls games and boys games is a good idea.

brasty · 17/10/2017 15:09

Yes it is, but many parents will think it is reasonable for a group of boys to exclude a girl.

HidingBehindTheWallpaper · 17/10/2017 15:11

Quite. For all the work that teachers can do to help children play across the genders you can't do anything if the parents are reinforcing gender stereotypes.

Dixiechickonhols · 17/10/2017 15:11

brasty General class chats about inclusion. Encouraging opportunities for different types of play maybe 1 day a week where no football at lunchtime. Avoiding all the girls do x boys do y in activities to encourage mixing. Priority to the child in school clubs if that would help her make friends.

Tanaqui · 17/10/2017 15:13

Dolls and mummies and daddies would be very odd for year 4- more likely to be handstands and dance routines? Are you sure she knows how to join in with the girl stuff? Lots of children who aren't sure how to do things dismiss them as babyish or boring. Also, yr 3 onwards is the typical time for boys and girls to split and bond within gender- it is v hard for children who don't want to do that, and the teacher can encourage mixed games, but it is a normal and known developmental phase.

Dixiechickonhols · 17/10/2017 15:15

Dds School did a sports play leader thing so a few of them (there was a Rota mixed boys and girls) would get beanbags etc out and play games with younger ones. Not sure what is was called but they all liked it. It won’t just be the one child feeling like this.

Ceto · 17/10/2017 15:20

Yes it is, but many parents will think it is reasonable for a group of boys to exclude a girl.

That's no reason for the teacher to keep quiet. After all, some parents think racism is fine, we wouldn't expect a teacher to go along with that, would we?

brasty · 17/10/2017 15:23

Agree though that girls this age playing dollies is very unlikely.

madcatwoman61 · 17/10/2017 15:27

My daughter was like this - never got invited to anyone’s house either, it was heartbreaking. At 9 we moved her to an all-girls school and she immediately flourished, as she no longer had to be part of a stereotype she didn’t fit into. We were lucky this was an option, but the school should be doing something to stop this situation

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2017 15:28

DD is in this position. It doesn't help. They still exclude her and they do it as a group.

It's shit. Sorry.

Dixiechickonhols · 17/10/2017 15:30

Could playing mummies and daddies be your dds way of describing kissing games or talk of boyfriends. Again something should be be aware of if it is making some children upset.

BarbarianMum · 17/10/2017 15:30

It's not OK to tell anyone they can't play because of their sex than it would be to tell them they can't play because of their race. Teacher can encourage inclusivity and discourage rigid thinking along gender lines.

Do talk to the teacher but also take a step back and look at your dd's friendship skills. Does she need help making friends generally? Agree that her description of playing "mummies and daddies" seems totally at odds with what girls that age play. What is the real reason she can't/won't play with the girls?

FWIW ds1(11) is one of a friendship group of 6 boys and 1 girl and ds2 (9) almost exclusively plays with girls at school, so such rigidity is not the norm.

brasty · 17/10/2017 15:32

8 years old often is a time though when girls and boys do play separately.
But what you say your DD has told you is not believable.

purpleflower23 · 17/10/2017 15:34

Sorry to hear your DD is going through this, kids can be very cruel! Yes, I'd definitely have a word with the class teacher - they might not be aware of what's going on if it's a mainly playground issue (e.g. If they don't do playground duty). Good luck getting it sorted xx

Ameliablue · 17/10/2017 15:42

Yes I would raise it,l.

2014newme · 17/10/2017 15:48

My dds never played with dolls or mummies and daddies in year 4, not past reception I don't think. They generally play playground games like tag. Your dd sounds very dismissive of the girls in her class I'd be very surprised if any if them were playing dolls or families at break time. Could this be a factor, her derision of them?

2014newme · 17/10/2017 15:49

Sorry yes I would discuss with teacher but if she's coming home upset I'd do it now not wait till parents evening.

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chickenowner · 17/10/2017 15:54

Yes, discuss it with her teacher.

I'm a teacher and I would want to know, and we do have various strategies that can help in these situations.

Witchend · 17/10/2017 16:12

I suspect "mummys and daddys" is the Op's interpretation of her dd saying "the girls only play boring things!"

My experience was that at 8yo the girls were much more into perhaps skipping games, or doing each other's hair, but more of role play from books (Harry Potter was very popular with one of my dd's years) or playing spying, tag, collect conkers etc.
I've known a couple of girls at that age who played mostly with boys, although by 9/10yo they had drifted away of their own accord and it was much more segregated.

ClothEaredBint · 17/10/2017 17:03

she said that with a 'I don't know, they don't let me play, probably playing mummys and daddies' kind of shrug.

When I tried getting out of her what the girls play she wouldn't say anything other than that, so I tried changing tack and asking what they were doing when she asked to play with them and she said they just ignore her and walk away.

The boys actively tell her to 'go away' apparently.

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