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Punishment for lying

(80 Posts)
bumblebee24 Tue 17-Oct-17 14:05:01

DH believes I went about this the wrong way..

Our 5 year old is at the point of lying. He's trying his luck, but it's not going very well because he's not very good at it!

Anyway.. he did something (minor really). He dragged his school bag along the wet grass while I ran back in the house for something. DD4 told me - as younger siblings always do!

I asked him if he did it. He said no repeatedly.
So I asked him why his bag had a wet drag mark on it. I also told him that I wasn't going to tell him off for dragging it, but I will if he keeps lying.
He admitted that he did drag it.
I asked why he lied to me, he said he didn't know.

All of this happened in the space of around 7 minutes i would say.

Now - every day, I buy them a little something from the shop to have after school. It may be a 30p pack of candy sticks or a chocolate bar etc. Just a little something to eat on the way home.

So I told him that because he lied to me, I wouldn't buy him anything that day.

I explained this to DH when I got back from the school run. He told me I was taking it too far because he only lied over something minor. "Because he's only 5"

But I see it as whether it's minor or major - he still lied and he needs to understand that it's not a good thing to lie.

I didn't even tell him off or raise my voice at the time.. I just simply said "because you lied to me, I won't be getting you anything from the shop today".

DH ended up bringing him something home from work because he said I was being unfair.

Basically, was I being unreasonable by not buying him something, as punishment for lying.

I also didn't buy anything for DD, nothing was actually said when I got them. It's like they didn't even notice I had no snacks!

FAkenameforthis Tue 17-Oct-17 14:07:04

Did he know that that would be the consequence?

CorbynsBumFlannel Tue 17-Oct-17 14:07:25

Well your husband isn't helping matters by undermining you that's for sure!

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome Tue 17-Oct-17 14:08:01

So I asked him why his bag had a wet drag mark on it. I also told him that I wasn't going to tell him off for dragging it, but I will if he keeps lying.

But then you did punish him by not buying him something. Unless I've missed something?

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere Tue 17-Oct-17 14:08:12

Ywnbu to not buy him anything.

Ywbu If you didn't get your dd anything. She did nothing wrong.

viques Tue 17-Oct-17 14:08:17

Why are you giving your kids crap to eat on the way home nearly everyday? if they are hungry take them some thing that has food value, like a banana or an apple.

Whooptydoo1 Tue 17-Oct-17 14:08:19

You did exactly what I would have done, lying is wrong and at 5 he knows what lying is, even if it's over something minor

QuiteLikely5 Tue 17-Oct-17 14:14:23

I think you were unfair because you told him if he told you the truth you wouldn't give him in trouble.

You lied and put in a consequence

bumblebee24 Tue 17-Oct-17 14:25:10

@viques They have an apple with breakfast, some kind of fruit with their school dinner (usually melon), DD gets a piece of fruit during school hours as she's in reception and then they have a tangerine after tea.
I don't see any issue with buying them something little.

DaisyRaine90 Tue 17-Oct-17 14:26:17

I would not be undermined or undermine my partner like that.

Then again I wouldn’t be buying my child treats on the way home in the first place.

I would remove a Privilege for lying, which is exactly what you did.

bumblebee24 Tue 17-Oct-17 14:27:51

@QuiteLikely5 The punishment was for lying, not for what he lied about.

I didn't tell him off for dragging his bag.
But I did take away his treat for lying.

Armadillostoes Tue 17-Oct-17 14:28:57

If you said that there wasn't going to be a punishment provided that he didn't continue to lie, and then punished him for telling the truth YABU. Firstly, because you lied yourself in quite an unpleasant way. And secondly, because he will learn that honesty doesn't actually help him when he is in trouble.

bumblebee24 Tue 17-Oct-17 14:30:49

@Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere First off, I totally agree with your name - that's completely true!

I knew we had some treats in the cupboard so if she had of said something, I would have told her I left it at home. Then she could've had one of those.

Neither of them even asked if I had got them anything.

bumblebee24 Tue 17-Oct-17 14:36:16

@Armadillostoes I told him that I wouldn't tell him off if he told me the truth.
I never said to him that he wouldn't be punished for the original lying.

I always take something off him for lying..
The recent big one was when he told me DD drew on him downstairs, when she had been playing in her bedroom all morning. And he had the pen all over his hands, but said she drew on his pjs.
For that lie, I told him he wouldn't be able to go on the Xbox. (It was a weekend)

Armadillostoes Tue 17-Oct-17 14:36:24

But why did you tell him no consequences if he ceased lying and then impose consequences?

Armadillostoes Tue 17-Oct-17 14:37:59

A small child wouldn't understand the difference. You deliberately misled him. Surely you can see why you sent the wrong message there? If this is about trust ypu showed him that he can't trust what ypu say.

Itsanofromme Tue 17-Oct-17 14:39:16

I think next time you could say, no I'm going to get you your chocolate bar because you told mummy the truth (in the end). That way you are reinforcing a positive behaviour.

Itsanofromme Tue 17-Oct-17 14:39:45

*now I'm going to get

Pengggwn Tue 17-Oct-17 14:46:48

Of course he shouldn't get a treat. Your DH undermined you.

crazycatlady5 Tue 17-Oct-17 14:49:01

You lied to him about the punishment - how is that going to teach him that lying is wrong? Mixed messages.

confusedlittleone Tue 17-Oct-17 14:51:12

You kinda were in the wrong, you told him the punishment would happen if he continued lying, so he owns up and then gets punished anyway. That's not going to teach him anything

2014newme Tue 17-Oct-17 14:55:28

Too many sweets and too much acidic and sugary fruit. Ask your dentist whether this is a good idea!

RideOn Tue 17-Oct-17 14:56:37

I think it is a bit harsh if he owned up, then you punish him, surely the punishment is for the future.

I don't think your DH should undermine you thought.

Lying is something that I think is more of a discussion issue, rather than punishment, as think punishing /getting annoyed makes children more likely to lie. Also they lie if they are afraid or as a shortcut, so I think a discussion is far better.

RideOn Tue 17-Oct-17 14:58:11

*if he owned up, then you *shouldn't punish him

viques Tue 17-Oct-17 15:00:14

bumblebee they don't need sweets everyday and it is setting up an expectation that their bodies will come to expect and crave. Take them a carrot if you think they have had enough fruit.

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