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I'm being annoyed/upset my friend is pretending she had a miscarriage?

(71 Posts)
giveittotrousers Mon 16-Oct-17 17:17:01

Name changed for this as I've friends on here that know my usual mumsnet name.

It's baby loss awareness week as I'm sure a lot of you know. My Instagram and Facebook feeds have quite a lot of related posts. All fine and great, I've chosen not to post myself (even though I have before) as it all feels a little raw again.

But I have a friend who's been posting candles, swapping stories with other friends, loads of memes etc about her two miscarriages. As she's posted a LOT of detail about when they were I know them to have been abortions not miscarriages.

Don't get me wrong, I've had an abortion myself, and I'm some ways feel it was the right thing to do and I'm some it's the worst thing I've ever done, I'm obviously very strongly pro choice.

I also get that it may be her way of grieving and she feels that she can't widely tell people shes had abortions, it's a bloody hard thing to tell people sometimes. I barely mumbled it to dh once when we were dating and I was drunk and I never intend to mention it again. And probably only three other friends and my Mum know.

But, something about how she's gone in to the detail with people who have also suffered still births, miscarriages etc is getting to me. She could have just said she'd suffered a loss and not gone in to gory and untrue details.

I have no intention of saying anything to her obviously, i just felt like I needed a rant as it's not something I feel comfortable telling anyone in rl as it would betray her confidence.

She is a hugely insecure person and goes to huge and insane lengths to get attention still at the age of 40. Try as I might I can't shake the feeling this is another version of that. Then I feel like an awful bitch for even thinking that.

Sorry this is garbled, I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I'm now infertile and my losses are raw because of that and how it's all over the media at the moment. I know I shouldn't be projecting it on to her but it's getting to me!

(Step awaaaay from the Internet I know, I know!)

KityGlitr Mon 16-Oct-17 17:22:50

Yes yabu. You only know what she's told you. She may have had to have had an abortion for medical reasons and not said that, or due fo circumstances and now deeply regrets it and does see it as a loss. Or maybe she has had MC as well as the two abortions that, again, she hasn't told you about. I'd leave her to it. If you feel she's attention seeking and don't like seeing it just remove her from your feed.

However you already know your projecting which is good, and a sign of emotional maturity you're aware of it.

giveittotrousers Mon 16-Oct-17 17:25:44

No I know for absolute surety that she didn't have miscarriages around those times and both were abortions due to issues with her partners.

And I agree that she probably does really regret them.

You're right I should just unfollow her for a while.

SprinklesandIcecream Mon 16-Oct-17 17:39:05

OP while I agree with you that miscarriage and abortion are two very different things, it is pregnancy loss day/week/ month so it includes both. Also every loss affects every woman differently so maybe just try and see it from that perspective.

Anatidae Mon 16-Oct-17 17:40:16

Too delicate a subject - she may be grieving in her own way. Hide her posts for a bit?

GreyCloudsToday Mon 16-Oct-17 17:42:20

That's grim and I'd delete that friend immediately!

MrsC2000 Mon 16-Oct-17 17:44:12

I can completely see why you're uncomfortable with this and would just hide her posts for a while. I've had many losses and was upset when a friend "empathised" with me because she'd taken the morning after pill and in my grief I just found this unbelievable. It's a really delicate subject

Papafran Mon 16-Oct-17 17:45:48

OK, she may have opted to have abortions but felt a sense of loss because if circumstances had been different, she would have kept the baby. Don't make it a competition for grief. People have abortions for lots of different reasons and it can have a very traumatic effect. Especially since there is no such thing as 'abortion day' where people can remember their unborn fetuses. If anyone tried to do that, they would be accused of it being in poor taste.
Leave her be.

ElizabethShaw Mon 16-Oct-17 17:48:29

It could still be a huge loss to her - just because she felt she had to end the pregnancy due to circumstances doesn't mean she isn't grieving as much as someone who had a miscarriage.

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere Mon 16-Oct-17 17:53:10

She has lost 2 babies, whether she made that choice or not, it is obviously painful for her.

She feels like she can't give the full circumstances because she will be judged and made to feel like her pain doesn't matter, and she is most likely right.

The details she is giving are probably true tbh, having been with a friend when she had an abortion and having suffered a miscarriage myself the actual process is the same after a certain point.

InvisibleKittenAttack Mon 16-Oct-17 17:55:57

So is she basically posting fake details, rather than saying "I lost a baby too and understand the pain"? Because if she's making stuff up to make it sound like a MC rather than an abortion, then I would be hiding her and distancing myself from her. If it's more she's just talking about a 'loss' then that's different and woman process this differently.

If she's lying about what happened, then I would be distancing, because it would be hard to trust her.

Ploppie4 Mon 16-Oct-17 18:03:42

She’s had a loss. Please don’t be pedantic.

giveittotrousers Mon 16-Oct-17 18:03:45

Thats what I'm saying, she could have just said 'I've suffered a loss too' but she going in to details about various things that simply don't happen with abortions.

She is talking with a friend who's suffered a very late miscarriage saying how she had one at 18 weeks and went in to detail. I know it's probably her way of dealing with her grief but it just seems wrong!

She knows I know, and she knows I've suffered fairly recent losses and am just surprised she'd do it so publicly where I can see it all! There's another couple of our friends that know too. I've not spoken to them about it as I don't want to bitch to them about her but one has recently been told she will never conceive after having an ectopic pregnancy and an emergency produce. Not sure what, she understandably doesn't want to talk about it too much. I can't imagine how she's feeling seeing this all!

BeeFarseer Mon 16-Oct-17 18:11:53

I had a TFMR. If I ever talk about it, I do refer to it as a loss because if things had been different, I would have had that baby, who was wanted very much. I don't talk about him with friends who've had miscarriages though, because I do feel there was an element of choice for me that they didn't have, even if it was a horrible choice between a TFMR and my baby dying from his health problems before, during, or shortly after birth - or worse, living and suffering.

I think that's different to what your friend is doing, but it's already been said - people grieve in different ways. I don't think I could judge her for this because it just seems very sad to me.

ElizabethShaw Mon 16-Oct-17 18:40:52

What things is she saying that don't happen with abortions?

StepAwayFromGoogle Mon 16-Oct-17 18:42:33

YANBU, OP, that would upset me too. Having an abortion because it's 'not the right time' or whatever is NOT the same as having a miscarriage. I can't believe people are conflating the two. Having a termination because there is something wrong with the baby is completely different.

MrsEight Mon 16-Oct-17 18:44:12

An abortion is still a massive loss.

23 years on and I still think about it and feel sad. It’s not a competition.

InvisibleKittenAttack Mon 16-Oct-17 18:45:18

I think best you distance yourself a little. Any interaction with her in the future, keep it in mind that you know she's prepared to lie in a convincing way when she's no real need to do so.

Just be careful with her. I know someone who tells odd, unnecessary lies for attention. I don't see her anymore, I just found myself nodding and smiling when listening to her talk about what she'd been upto recently (nothing particularly dramatic) and wondering what % was bollocks. Realised I just couldn't relax around her.

Ttbb Mon 16-Oct-17 18:48:59

YANBU passing off abortions as miscarriages is not ok. It's one thing to not want to tell people that you have had an abortion or to aknowlefge your loss without telling people that you had an abortion but it's not ok to tell an outright lie. Abortions are a loss in trot own right but they are nothing like miscarriages and it's not ok to pretend that they are.

Whatsername17 Mon 16-Oct-17 19:03:31

Yanbu and I'm shocked at the people defending this person's actions. Having an abortion is something that can be massively traumatic for a woman. Ending a healthy pregnancy due to circumstances can leave some women devastated. If she wants to share her story, she should share that. It could help others going through the same. I had a devastating mc at 13 weeks. One of the hardest things was that I felt like it was unfair because the baby was so, so wanted. An abortion is a choice (obvious exception being abortions for medical reasons), and I feel I was denied that choice. I'd find her actions difficult for that reason alone.

newmumwithquestions Mon 16-Oct-17 19:07:39


SuzukiLi Mon 16-Oct-17 19:12:07

I was devastated about my abortion. Yabu.

Papafran Mon 16-Oct-17 19:13:23

An abortion is a choice (obvious exception being abortions for medical reasons), and I feel I was denied that choice

Sorry but no, that is way too simplistic. You recognise that abortions for medical reasons are not a true choice- why do you accept that but not accept an abortion for e.g. financial reasons or because someone is living in an abusive relationship? It's easy to tell yourself that women who have abortions do so callously and without any external pressures on them.
People who have had an abortion may have to carry the additional burden of guilt that someone who had an mc does not (to the same extent). That could be particularly traumatising.

Because there is a stigma against abortion (as shown here where people say that miscarriages are way way worse), there is less support for people who have had one. They may feel unable to reach out to friends/family for fear of being judged and cannot talk openly about what they may perceive to be a real loss.

MrsEight Mon 16-Oct-17 19:15:30



PoorYorick Mon 16-Oct-17 19:22:22

You don't know enough about her circumstances and you're coloured by your dislike of her (you think she's attention seeking and so on), and by projecting your own grief (as you acknowledge).

You're making this about her and what you perceive to be her failings, but really it's about you. Perhaps some counselling would help you to work through your pain.

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