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To feel this might be for the best for me and my parents?

(14 Posts)
FGSholdthedoor Mon 16-Oct-17 15:05:09

NC for this as quite outing and don't want connections made with my other threads.

My family are originally from another country (let's call it H).
I have a huge family back in H and my DGPs are still alive and well. I also have my own little family here with DH and 2 DCs .
My parents have both worked hard in the UK and now own their house and recently renovated and extended it etc my DM is also on a new career path which seems to be doing well and she is up for a promotion, they also own property and quite a bit of land back in H due to inheritance.

Unfortunately my parents and DH are in conflict and have been NC with each other for over a year, can't really go into detail.
I see my parents once a week with DCs, the DCs don't stay over or get babysat by them. I also attend Christmas and other holidays at their house alone with DCs, without DH.
This situation won't resolve itself quickly or ever.

I have recently had conversations with them where they have been saying they are thinking of selling up in the UK and going back to H. Alternatively they will sell their assets in H and invest in something + save for future etc.
They are concerned about not seeing my DCs and me if they go. I also know my DM is worried about her parents (my DGPs) back in H as they have no support ATM and they are becoming elderly and will soon need it.

They have asked my opinion on this.

I don't want to be blunt with them and I don't want to sound like a horrible daughter but I think it might be for the best.
My reasons for:

- I know they like H better as a country that includes food, culture etc they often complain about certain things here
- my DM will be able to look after her parents
- they've had a dream (but modest) house in mind that they will be able to afford and build back in H if they sell up here
- They still have a great circle of friends over there especially as it's where they're from and have grown up with a lot of people - not so much over here (UK)
- it gives me a reason to visit H more frequently if they move (it's about 2hrs on a plane so not bad) so they will still see my DCs and it can all be kept "short and sweet" and that way they'll also get the "sleepovers" etc with them and get longer chunks of quality time albeit less frequent
- my DM can be a very difficult character and I think mine and her relationship will be better as again visits will most likely be "short and sweet"
- I will feel less pressured without constant attempts of them having DCs overnight/taking them away or making me feel guilty that they are unable to be "proper grandparents" due to the current situation

My reason against:
- I know I will be the one who looks after them in old age and ATM wouldn't know how to work it logistically if they're in another country, however I also know it's probably another 20years before that happens
- I'm worried they (read my DM) will be trying to pressure me to come for long chunks of time with DCs or ask for DCs to visit on their own for long periods of time once they're older which I am not willing to do and it will most likely cause resentment over time

First and foremost I think they should do what works for them and not consider me, they need to make sure they do what makes them happy in the long run and think about where they see themselves in 5 or 10+ years etc which is basically what I told them but I think it will come up again as they are weighing up all the options.

Would IBU to slightly steer them towards going back?

MatildaTheCat Mon 16-Oct-17 15:33:08

You have balanced these responses very well. There are seemingly more pros than cons but the cons are quite serious and far reaching. I think you are absolutely right that hey will expect long and regular visits which may or may not suit you. Can you afford it? Do you have time to do this and also make time for holidays with DH?

In the very long term there is no realistic way you can care for them if they become sick and frail, they have to be aware of this when making their decisions.

It sounds like quite a long term plan from what you've said? I would give them your thoughts but just say they must do what is right for them. So long as they understand you will not be able to go very frequently and you will not be sending the DC over for fantasy visits. Do your DC even speak the language?

All food for thought.

OlennasWimple Mon 16-Oct-17 15:55:54

I agree with Matilda. You shouldn't "steer" them one way or another: they have to make this decision for themselves and live with the consequences (positive and negative) of it.

You can be a sounding board for them, you can share some of the thoughts that you have put in your OP. You can say "whichever you decide I'll help you try to make it work". But I'd be very wary about trying to get them to do one thing or another

FGSholdthedoor Mon 16-Oct-17 17:14:35

You're right thank you for the replies.

I think at the moment with the situation we are in I would find it as a bit of a relief if they did move as I would not be feeling so under pressure to make everything work.

I want to be able to focus on my immediate family life (DH and DCs) especially as we have a lot to work towards and try and achieve in the next few years. Unfortunately due to everything that has happened in my family between my DH and parents I have been put under pressure regarding certain matters and made to feel guilty by DM which has taken its toll on me and also taken my focus away from where it needs to be which is my DCs and DH and what I want.

I could potentially afford to go more often yes, the flights are relatively cheap and I don't really have to worry about accommodation or many other cost which would be usually associated with travelling abroad/on holiday.
It would have to be worked out I.e. X amount of visits a year around Y time for Z amount of time each or however it would work.
I would also take into consideration big birthdays/important anniversaries etc
Another plus side to flights is that if I needed to I can travel for short bursts of time as well, 2-3nights here and there.

I hate to say but I am reluctant to "admit" to them that there won't be any "fantasy" visits lasting weeks at a time especially not DCs on their own, as I feel it will get turned around or twisted in the future to sound like I've stopped them from going by saying it - as it's likely to be be interpreted as me saying we won't visit much at all/they will barely ever see DGCs (YKWIM).

19lottie82 Mon 16-Oct-17 17:18:38

If it's only a 2 hour flight, is there really any need for extended visits? Weekend trips would be easy. I think if your parents are going to go, you need to knock the idea of these trips on the head before they expect them.

FGSholdthedoor Mon 16-Oct-17 17:39:35

They haven't mentioned expecting visits like that, they might not do. If they do I will clarify it but I don't feel like I should be giving them a heads up "just in case" as I think my DM can twist this into some form of ammunition to use for later should any confrontation arise, she's extremely insecure and a terrible over thinker and reads into EVERYTHING.

19lottie82 Mon 16-Oct-17 18:07:41

It seems there is a wider problem than the visits! You will just needs to stick to your guns and if she tries to twist things then just ignore her. Problem solved! (And yes, it is that simple, if you let it be!)

In the mean time drop hints about how easy it will be to "visit for the weekend" and a week in the summer holidays.

Nanny0gg Mon 16-Oct-17 18:14:20

I stopped at the part where you spend Christmas with them without your DH.

In other threads like this when it is the OP's in-laws, there are horrified responses when the DH isn't loyal to the OP.

Even if you don't agree with why they fell out. shouldn't you be more on your DH's side and distancing yourself anyway?

Aderyn17 Mon 16-Oct-17 18:20:26

Without knowing the backstory, I am astonished that your dh allows his children to spend Christmas with your parents and not him.

Are you the poster whose parents ruined your husband's business? Apologies if I got you mixed up with someone else.

It is impossible for us to advise you without knowing the back story

FGSholdthedoor Mon 16-Oct-17 19:25:22

@Nanny0gg maybe you should've finished reading rather than "stopped at" ... The advice I'm after doesn't really have anything to do with that part.

But to clarify my country celebrate on Christmas Eve so the 24th of December which is when I visit my parents with DCs and spend the day with DH and his family on the uk date which is Christmas Day so he does spend Christmas with his kids.

MamaLeen Mon 16-Oct-17 20:01:38

Could I ask do you have siblings?
You could also ask their opinions.
Also would they be able to help share the responciblity of the care for your parents in their later years regardless of where in the world they chose to live.

SparklyLeprechaun Mon 16-Oct-17 20:05:47

If you're the poster I'm thinking of, then having your manipulative parents as far away as possible is the best thing that could happen to you and your marriage.

FGSholdthedoor Mon 16-Oct-17 20:09:56

@MamaLeen I do have a brother who is great but I'm 99% sure he will run for the hills if it comes down to them needing help - or that's what "jokingly" came up in conversation so far.

My DF thinks he might move back with them if they do decide to go as he's not settled down with anyone and doesn't have a career yet.

mygorgeousmilo Mon 16-Oct-17 20:43:56

Sounds like them moving away will be good for your family. I have to say that if my parents had been awful to my husband, I wouldn't much care what they want in regards to visits etc.

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