To think it isn't over ?(49 Posts)
I met the love of my life 9 months ago on Valentines day. We hit it off right away and even though We both wanted it to stay casual ("friends with benefits") it was never at that level. We had too much in common, we spent nearly every day together, we spoke about childhood, careers, dreams etc. He told me things he said he'd never told anyone. But it was a difficult time - I had just lost both my parents and he had just come out of a 4 year relationship (he met me 3 weeks after) where she had cheated on him. For these reasons we kept saying it was casual. But it never was. He asked me to be his girlfriend after 6 months of "seeing each other" (exclusively and during which time we'd met each other's family, friends, he had come to my graduation and we had been on holiday). It was the same as it had always been for a month. And then something changed. It's like a black cloud engulfed him. He started doing stupid things. He would snap at me for the smallest things, he had a problem of aggression when he drank and it was always me in the firing line for a fight. He was obviously in a bad place - he would sit on the bed and stare into space, he stopped seeing his friends, he got angrier over the smallest thing. After an argument about him cancelling on me and my friend he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship (about 7 months in). He said he felt like a part time boyfriend and that it hurt him to watch me give everything and get nothing back. After about an hour or two of talking about it he said he couldn't let me go - that the anxiety he felt about getting his heart broken again was nothing compared to losing me. We agreed to make this work, he would have to have more time to fix his problems. All was well for about a month until he made the biggest mistake and let his female best friend (more like a sister - I believe him when he said nothing happened) sleep in our bed after a night out. He said it was a stupid slip of judgement and that he needed me to know that it was nothing and he regretted it. I walked out on him for a week - in this time he was constantly trying to talk to me, constantly apologising, sending me flowers, love letters etc. People told me to end it. But I couldn't. When I met up with him to do it, he was more broken than I had ever seen him. He said he wouldn't hang out with her on their own again and that he had finally realised what people meant when they said you don't know what you've got til it's gone. I told him things needed to change - he said that was the case. He told me that he had finally realised all the shit he was saying about not being ready for a relationship was so far off the mark - he wanted me, and he wanted our relationship and faced with losing that destroyed him. When I said we could give it another try and rebuild trust he was brought out of the dark cloud I had seen him in for the last month. After hours of taking he said "I love you". I was so happy. After all this, there was still small, but manageable anger about what happened from me. He was trying though - he would walk to mine in the middle of the night to comfort my night terrors, he planned my birthday, he talked about us going on holiday again in the new year. He was encouraging of my career, he hung out with me and my nephew.
And then the breaking point came. On Thursday he text me to say that the friend had turned up at the coffee shop he worked at and she was waiting for her boyfriend there, and that he hoped that was okay. I flew off the handle - accused him of being a liar and hurting me again. At first he tried to reassure me but then he got angry. How could he win if he was trying to be honest, he had had no contact with her for month and had told her when she first came in that what they did nearly destroyed us, and that they could no longer have the friendship they had had. I was so angry I couldn't be rational about it. I turned up when he finished work and cried about it. He said he didn't understand what he could do. I wanted him to understand. He said heightened reactions from me made this relationship difficult. I asked why he stayed with me and he said he loved me.
He went out with his friends and I went out with mine. He collected me in a taxi about 3 in the morning. He seemed weird. He told me it wasn't working and I should break up with him. I told him I couldn't do that and I loved him. He was wasted and said the only way I'm ever gonna break this off is when I'm drunk. So I slept alone in our bed and he slept on the couch.
I moved in with my friend Saturday night.
I'm heartbroken. He keeps ringing me for 2 hours a time. He tells me loves me, that our love was the strongest he's ever felt. That hes so sorry this happened. That he wanted to see me and not seeing me on my birthday this week will kill him. That hes tempted to fix things and try and win me back. That it's the hardest decision he's made and he will regret it. That he wants me to come home.
But he says he's in a really bad place. He's admitted he has a drinking problem and he's scared he'll turn into his dad. He finally admitted he had depression and he felt numb when he wasn't with me. He said he loved me and he wanted me more than anything but he couldn't drag me along with him when he was trying to fix this and he had already hurt me too much. He said he met me at the wrong time and he wish it had been when he was over the last relationship - that it wasn't her he missed that was the problem, but the feeling of being cheated on.
I'm devastated. We keep saying we love each other. I want to help him through this but I don't know how to approach that. He wants to meet up tonight for a chat. But I'm scared that I'll be really upset.
1. Tell him I'm willing to stay with him as a friend whilst he fixed the problems, that is, treat this breakup as a break ?
2. To think he will get back with me?
YANBU to feel like you're in love and that you want to fix things.
But this relationship is toxic, and you're not even out of the supposed 'honeymoon' period yet.
It's impossible for you to see and impossible for anyone here to explain that all your emotions are telling you lies, because that will feel wrong to you. All I can advise you is don't meet up with him, give yourself REAL space from him (no texting, no calls, no hanging out with people who'll tell you about him...). DON'T date other people.
Just be kind to yourself.
Do you think he's going to try and ask me back again? And what should I do if he does?
You need real space from him. 9months in you should still be in the honeymoon period, not dealing with his moods. If he gets angry over small things and stops you seeing your friends after 9 months just imagine how abusive he’ll be after 9 years?
This is all way too much too soon. You should still be in the honeymoon period and it seems you're both thriving from chaos and drama.
If that's what you like then fine, but I can almost certainly assure you, you'd be setting yourself up for a rollercoaster of ups and downs and emotional havoc. Some people thrive from that. In the end it always ends in tears.
I don't think this man sees you as the love of his life OP, sorry - you have only been together a short time and it is a rollercoaster, you are mistaking unhealthy for passion and that never ends well. Break it off cleanly because love alone is not enough I'm afraid, it has to be part of a strong whole and this is not that
I've no idea whether he wants to get back with you (probably would be my guess because he seems to be addicted to the drama), but it all sounds like much more hard work than it should be.
Move on, it's not your role to try and fix someone else, life's too short.
I'm stressed out for you just reading all that, it's all so intense isn't it?!
You're still grieving a huge loss and it sounds like this relationship has been a distraction from all of that in part. Emotions are bound to run high.
Have you had any counselling?
That sounds like such a toxic relationship. That's really not healthy for either of you, I think you both need to move on and have time to yourselves before you rush into relationships
Goodness me. It’s too much. It shouldn’t be this hard or complicated. You’ve only been together a short while!
My advice would be to break it off. It’s a toxic relationship and will never be smooth. Something will always come up.
Completely toxic relationship (I should know, it sounds exactly like the one I got in after I broke up with my fiancee of 7 years). Make a clean break and walk away. Don't try to be his friend, and don't expect him to come back. He's broken up with you 3 times already, it's clearly what he wants. The rest of it are his control issues.
Do you think he's going to try and ask me back again? And what should I do if he does?
1. How can we tell you that? Even if he comes back doesnt mean he wont leave again.
2. Tell him to do one. But I suspect you wont.
You can be totally in love with someone but it doesn't make it a good relationship or that you are good for each other.
By the sounds of it he's knows he can't be in a relationship but isn't strong enough for a complete break - u need to be the strong one and cut contact
It's not been 9 months, it's been 8 months and this is way to much shit for an 8 month old relationship!!!
Sorry I pressed too soon.
I think he loves the attention and it seems like he's enjoying winding you up.
He loves the drama and I haven't even read all the post and can see that.
It is. It wasn't a relationship to start with but an emotional crutch for you both. a sticking plaster and distraction form your real problems. It's drama you don't need. It's toxic. It's stopping you healing and moving on and finding healthy relationships. That goes for both of you. This will bring you both nothing but pain if you cling to it.
Well I do think you hugely overreacted to the friend turning up at work but clearly you don’t trust him so this just isn’t viable. He needs help with his depression and drinking and I don’t think you or he are ready for this relationship.
He has depression and a drinking problem.
You are jealous and controlling.
End it. Now.
Sounds like ally of hard work very early on which shouldn’t be the case. And if I’m honest I actually feel you may be overreacting about his female pal. It seems a bit possessive to get so upset when he genuinely was trying to be honest with you. I think the problem is you probably can’t help feeling jealous of this girl and it could end up destroying you, I was actually cheated on and we stayed together another year or so but I never properly trusted him and was an insecure mess most of the times and a bit of a nightmare to be honest. Sorry OP I am not sure it will work out for your guys unless you can both somehow wipe the slate clean.
It's all very intense, isn't it? I don't mean to be unkind but it seems kind of adolescent to be creating so much drama. It's going to be difficult to turn it around into a healthy relationship and I suspect you are just bringing out the worst in each other. It shouldn't be this hard.
Thank you for your responses. I agree that I am to blame for this too - I definitely switched to being very controlling after the bed incident. I struggled to view myself as anything but the victim and failed to appreciate the obvious efforts he was making. I think I pushed him to this decision, although it would have been another thing if it wasn't this. I love him and I know he loves me, but there's probably too much water under the bridge now. I'm worried that if he asks me back I'll go, I am very much under his spell.
It sounds like far from being worried you are desperate to have him back and you started this thread on advice as if he would come back and how to get him back.
Jesus wept, I've never had that much drama in all of my relationships put together over a nearly 40 year period!
Love each other after all that bullshit!
Walk away and stop spreading the drama. It's ridiculous and sucks all your energy.
In a few years time, hopefully less, you will turn around and wonder what the fuck you were thinking!
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