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You can't send them back

(1 Post)
TearsAgain Mon 16-Oct-17 09:18:21

Different day, same shit. I'm not cut out to be a mother but you can't send them back.

Another morning where we're late to school. I get to spend the rest of the day feeling guilty that all I do these days is scream at them and they went to school in tears.

Another day where DD1 is pleading with me to let her stay at home. She's trying to convince me she's ill.

Another weekend where I can't face leaving the house with them and all they do is fight. It is constant and I can't turn my back. I fear for the day one of them gets seriously injured.

Another week of battles, popping pills, hoping to be well again. But when? I live for the evenings when I can be on my own and be quiet.

Another month of having to manage my DD's MH problems on my own. There are professionals involved for all the good it has done. I don't think they get it. The coping is just an illusion. I'm really not. I think they're blaming me but I do too. How do you be a good parent when you're just not cut out for it?

Another year of doing this shit on my own. XH is in the background, blaming me, saying I am denying him the chance to be a dad but ignoring the fact that the kids don't want to go to him. He only does the bare minimum anyway because child rearing is womens' work. And because of this I have to keep in contact with my abuser.

Three years of crawling along rock bottom and never getting further than my hands and knees before falling again. Just don't want to do it anymore but know I have to. Crushing responsibility, self blame and guilt.

Will this ever get better?

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