To expect my OH to look after DD while I'm sick?(48 Posts)
I am 11 weeks pregnant with my second child. DD is 2 1/2. With her I suffered horribly from Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I struggled to eat anything at all because the nausea was so debilitating from about 5 weeks to about 13 weeks, when I started to recover. To give you an idea how bad it was, I weighed 10 stone 3 lbs when I got pregnant and was 8 1/2 stone by 10 weeks pregnant. I had nearly 2 months off work. It was horrendous.
This time around, I anticipated I'd be ill again (HG has an 85% chance of reoccuring). At the first sign of nausea, I went to the doctors and was put on antiemetics. As soon as the nausea became debilitating I was signed off work. The trick to stop HG escalating is early medication and rest, rest, rest. I've been sleeping as much as I can and have only left the house for doctor and hospital appointments. Whilst I've still had constant nausea it isn't as bad as before and I've only lost half a stone. I've been living on toast, crackers and weetabix for about 6 weeks.
Obviously this has meant that my OH has had to step up and take over much of the childcare for DD, especially at the weekend. But my Mum and my in-laws have also been great - taking/picking up DD from nursery, doing all the laundry and cooking OH the odd meal. So he hasn't had to fend completely for himself.
My issue is how resentful he's been of me over the whole thing. He's constantly in a mood with me, really snappy, and has called me 'lazy' and said that 'at least you get to sit around all day' more than once. It's his baby I'm carrying and he saw how sick I was before but he seems like he couldn't care less about me. My DM and MIL see if I need anything bringing in, try to encourage me to eat and drink, ask how I'm feeling. DH does none of those things.
I've been sleeping for about 10-12 hours a night, partly from exhaustion and partly because of the medication. Every single day at the weekend my OH wakes me up and asks if I can get up with our DD so he 'can have a lie in'. I've tried to explain that I'm not able to run around after a lively toddler at the moment but he doesn't get it. I don't know why because the few times we've had to leave the house (for scans etc. I've ended up retching on the way home).
Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing NOTHING. I lay with DD while she goes to sleep (which is about an hour) and read her books or play lego/cars when I feel up to it. But movement is my enemy so I really struggle with bath time, playing generally, driving etc.
If this follows the same pattern as with DD, I should start to feel better in about 2 weeks (and will no doubt be expected to take over all the childcare, cooking, shopping, laundry etc again then).
So, AIBU to expect my OH to just step up and be lead parent for these couple of months I'm ill? And AIBU to expect him to do it without resenting me?
Yanbu he needs to step up and do so without complaint
In an ideal world, of course he should step up and take over....
However, he probably is exhausted himself if he's working full time and doing everything at home.
YANBU at all. In my last pregnancy I had HG for all 40 weeks and was in and out of hospital like a yo-yo. DP was run a bit ragged juggling his job and looking after DC1 but he just had to get on with it. Your DP sounds really selfish.
He's being a bit of a jerk tbh. I had severe morning sickness (not HG) during both pregnancies alongside bad SPD. DH was amazing and we didn't have our parents nearby to help. He found it tough and we had to work together to stop resentment building.
How was your DH in previous pregnancy? Has he been off before the HG kicked in?
I'm wondering what your normal arrangement is - who works and who does most of the childcare/housework? Is it possible he's never had to take care of DD and didn't realise how hard it was?
How much latitude I give him would depend on how he is normally. If he's normally a very hand-on father, doing his share of the childcare and housework, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's just worn out with having such an increase in his workload.
If he normally leaves all the childcare and housework up to you, or minimises how hard it is, I would have no sympathy.
Lots of people (women) work full time and do everything at home! He has one toddler to care for, two grannies helping out and he knows it's temporary.
He's being an absolute dick. I'm sure it's hard for him but it's not your fault and trying to take it out on you and force you to make yourself ill so he can have a lie in is disgusting. This attitude does not bode well for your future as a family does it? I'd be burning up with resentment towards him
Not BU AT ALL. I had HG and though it was my first, so no other DC to look after, my DH did everything. All the cooking (limited cleaning but at least the bare minimum). I had it for 38 weeks and was mainly signed off from work so also 'sat around at home'. Unless you've had it, you cant fully understand the horror of it.
You are going through something awful, tell him to suck it up.
I had HG and ended up severely hydrated and in hospital. It is absolutely horrible and not taken seriously enough IMO. Comments such as "you're not the first woman in the world to be pregnant - you're not ill, get on with it" was what a number of people said to me. Your OH is basically doing the same thing by calling you lazy. HG is a condition - you can't help it.
He needs to help you out as much as if you had any other illness that meant you had to stay in bed or couldn't be as active as you normally are.
He sounds like a peach
I've had HG this time and I don't think people really get it. I have to explain it's like having travel sickness or norovirus 24/7 for months on end. Even my, normally very helpful and understanding DH started to get a bit cheesed off and I made it very plain that he'd have to step up or we'd have to reconsider what we were doing as I physically couldn't continue with normal life. He did.
Perhaps you need a very frank and straightforward conversation with him.
Do you really need to ask OP?
He's being a complete dick.
*In an ideal world, of course he should step up and take over....
However, he probably is exhausted himself if he's working full time and doing everything at home*
What do you think single parents do?
OP of course he should step up and do everything to help. HG is deliberating and, imo, could be classed as a disability (I'm lucky to not have suffered but my sister has had 18 months of it throughout 2 pregnancies)
I am a bit torn. I get the severe sickness (in fact debilitating nausea) and the exhaustion. I also get the fact you were both aware this might happen and you have your mothers helping out.
But I do also get that he is probably shattered and finding it hard to be up every day plus working. Anyone would find that hard. He is obviously resentful at the moment. I'm sure the stage will pass for both of you but while you aren't totally unreasonable, he possibly needs more support than you both realised too.
If that makes sense?
tell him if he needs sleep he needs to go to bed early rather than have a lie in as that is when you are not able to do stuff - but it sounds like you are doing bedtime routine anyway
Men often don't believe it's as bad or you are as ill as you say because it's not a "disease".... it's pregnancy. Never mind you actually feeling like death. At least you have help and consideration from the women in your family. I take it he wanted another child too?
Maybe when you get chance, find a way to tell him just how grateful you are for all that he is doing, that you couldn't have contemplated doing this again without his support, acknowledge how hard he is working to hold things together etc... Hopefully it will only be another week or two.
Perhaps you just have to accept a bit of snappiness/grumpy on his part if he is tired and feels put out... Unfortunately there tends to be less sympathy and treating you like you're made of glass on a second pregnancy anyway.
Your alternative is to pointedly try to push through the nausea, dramatically retching and vomiting all over the place.... Just to prove you're not lazy. Maybe vomit in his dinner/shoes/clean washing to prove the point? It depends how grown up you want to be about it.
Hope you're feeling much better soon
Constantly in a mood with the OP, snappy, calling the OP lazy and trying to guilt trip her into getting up with their child which would make her very ill. None of that is excusable - none of it. I get that he might find it hard and be exhausted and fed up but it is completely out of line to be horrible to the OP because of that. Completely, totally out of line.
He's being a cunt.
Could one of the medical professionals you see explain to him just how debilitating HG is? I know he should just bloody well get it from how you are and what you've told him, but it doesn't seem like he is –but maybe he'd listen if it came from a medical figure?
And as for you being 'expected to take over all the childcare, cooking, shopping, laundry etc' the minute you feel better, well, he can expect away! You deserve a break. Or at least a partner who is willing to do their bit.
I'm snappy when I'm shattered though. Most people are. I'm not excusing his behaviour and I have said she is not totally unreasonable but it's a normal human reaction to feel out out by it!
Is DD his child? If so, he knew exactly what a disabling condition HG is and presumably you discussed the implications of another pregnancy.
Can he speak to his employer about the situation at home? They may be able to offer some flexibility.
I would be very upset if my DH acted in such a fashion.
I was very unwell throughout my last pregnancy and my DH was awful to me in exactly the same way. I was then ill after I had DS, probably because DH assumed I was 'better' as soon as I'd given birth and just left me to do everything.
DS is 8 now and how DH acted has damaged our relationship irreparably IMO.
My wife had HG and puked whenever she moved her head from about 7 weeks to about 15 weeks. Yes it was hard for me to do everything and work too, but I wasn't puking every day so I got on with it and helped her as much as I could because I still had the better end of the deal.
He is being a child. If it's temporary because he's exhausted then it's still not ok but perhaps slightly better.
Key thing is though, this was predictable. He chose as much as you did to get you pregnant again knowing this was likely to happen so he really shouldn't be complaining as much as he is (the odd moan about how hard it is might be ok, but having a go at you for being "lazy", not acceptable...).
Growing a new human is hard work and he should be grateful he doesn't have to do it.
I think its normal to feel resentful when you are doing everything and you perceive the other person to be doing nothing (although that's not the case here ) it sounds like you're both stressed out & need a break. Could you arrange for a grandparent to look after dc overnight so you both get a lie in? Or get up with her one morning & lie on the couch&watch tv to give your partner an extra half hour in bed? I know everyone will be saying he should help you without complaint because he loves you, and of course he should but that doesn't mean he isnt finding it hard and doesn't need a break.
Yanbu. Men can be dicks. I bet when he has man flu the world stops turning and he expects 24/7 care. Id normally day have it out with him but sonce your probably an argument is the last thing you need do the next best thing. Tell his mother on him. Or show him this thread....
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