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Friend wrote a letter to daughter - WIBU?

(75 Posts)
ReallyNotHappy76 Sun 15-Oct-17 14:10:53

My friend is having minor surgery today. I've just spoken to her and she sounds fine if a little tired. While on the phone she told me that she'd sort of argued with her daughter after she'd woken up.

The daughter is in her 20s, my friend is the only parent she's had as her dad died a long time ago and has anxiety.

Daughter dropped her off and had to leave and wait for a phone call from my friend to tell her she'd woken up.

Basically the daughter was anxious enough as it's the first time either of them have experienced something like this and she got home and found a letter my friend wrote her basically if she died...

Her daughter was furious and traumatised and my friend thinks her daughter is being ridiculous.

I can see both sides but are either being U?

AdalindSchade Sun 15-Oct-17 14:12:55

Why did your friend leave the letter for her to find?! That was pretty bloody awful. She should have left it in a safe place and told someone else where it was. I'd be horrified and disturbed if I found a parent's 'death letter' if they were not dead!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sun 15-Oct-17 14:13:12

Your friend is unreasonable, sorry. I can understand why she did it, but she should have entrusted the letter to someone so it could be passed on if needed.

5rivers7hills Sun 15-Oct-17 14:14:24

Yeah your friend is a bit of a tit, why the fuck didn’t she put the letter with her will or with a friend???

Notreallyarsed Sun 15-Oct-17 14:15:38

I think your friend should have left the letter with someone she trusted rather than for her daughter to find. My mum had major surgery last year and the whole day was immensely stressful, I didn’t realise how much until we got the phone call to say she was out of surgery and still alive. I collapsed in a heap on the floor, despite having a fantastic support network.
Your friend’s DD will have been anxious enough without finding that letter, I’m sure it caused her immense distress and worry. Your friend owes her DD an apology.

OnionKnight Sun 15-Oct-17 14:16:17

What the fuck was your friend thinking?

ReallyNotHappy76 Sun 15-Oct-17 14:16:18

I've told her I didn't think it was the best idea and I would have happily held onto it for her.

I did feel for her daughter when my friend told me that she'd shouted at her that she's been sitting paralysed with anxiety for hours anyway then found the letter thinking my friend was going into it with anything other than thinking positive

ReallyNotHappy76 Sun 15-Oct-17 14:18:37

Onion, she meant well and as it's just the two of them she wanted her DD to know certain things/financial information and know she would be taken care of.

It seems to have the opposite effect and to reiterate her DDs words, traumatised her all the more

BarbarianMum Sun 15-Oct-17 14:30:59

Honestly, I think your friend's dd needs to grow up a bit and think a little more about her mum's feelings and a little less about her own. If she needs help dealing with her anxiety and trauma over her fear of lising her mum she should see a therapist rather than expect her mum to what? Hide her health issues, hide her fears?

Gazelda Sun 15-Oct-17 14:34:47

I can understand why the daughter was distressed. Particularly bearing in mind she’s already lost her DF. I think your friend has done this with the best intentions, it not thought out the way it might have come across to an anxious DD waiting for news of her mum’s operation.
Encourage them to see this from the others’ POV and acknowledge it was a misunderstanding.

crwox Sun 15-Oct-17 14:37:30

My friend is having *minor*^ surgery today. I've just spoken to her and she sounds fine if a little tired.^

Was she having a minor surgery? Or was it major?

I don't really see the need for her to write a letter when having a minor surgery, I get all surgeries have there risks.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 15-Oct-17 14:38:51

OMG, your friend's DD has anxiety issues and your friend thought it was a good idea to leave a letter for her to find?? Why in the name of holy didn't she give you, or another friend, the letter to hold onto in case?!

Your friend didn't use much sense with this. And now she's being really quite mean to say that her DD is being ridiculous sad

ReallyNotHappy76 Sun 15-Oct-17 14:42:31

Barbarian, I think that's rather unfair on her DD. Nobody said anything about hiding fears or health issues. Her daughter drove her there and my friend burst into tears when she was made to leave (no visitors allowed at 7am). As I know from experience, anyone with or without anxiety - and a normal relationship with their mother - wouldn't be worried under the circumstances

OddBoots Sun 15-Oct-17 14:44:15

I agree with the general view here that she wasn't wrong to write it if that is what she needed to do but she was wrong to leave it to be found.

ReallyNotHappy76 Sun 15-Oct-17 14:54:40

Thumbswitchesabroad, ridiculous does sound harsh. My friend doesn't think she's done anything wrong and just wanted DD to know she loved her etc.

It's not something I would have done. I rang her DD to check on her in between posting and she's very upset. Not helped by the lack of information she received by staff... She was told it was a 20 minute procedure and over 2 hours later hadn't heard anything (she was expecting to pick her up then) her anxiety had gone to a peak

Feministcheeseplate Sun 15-Oct-17 15:02:31

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ReallyNotHappy76 Sun 15-Oct-17 15:05:50

Woah. That is an absolutely disgusting, disgraceful thing to say and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Notreallyarsed Sun 15-Oct-17 15:06:05

How can you be traumatized by the idea that your parent knows she isn't imortal

By reading an “in the event of my death” letter while her mother was under GA??? That would panic me too. I’m sadly well aware my mother wasn’t immortal, she died in June. To be confronted with a letter detailing it while a parent is under during an operation must be extremely distressing.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar Sun 15-Oct-17 15:06:06

So it was out patient surgery?? Yes, an “in the event of my death” letter left for her dd to find is quite spectacular <boggles>
Not a cause for great anguish on the dd’s part, maybe. More a “what a fucking drama llama” scenario, I’d say.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar Sun 15-Oct-17 15:06:53

She wasn’t under GA is she expected to be collected two hours later, surely?

ThePinkOcelot Sun 15-Oct-17 15:08:51

Feminist, wtf are you in about?

TimeIhadaNameChange Sun 15-Oct-17 15:09:26

Her poor DD. Being in a similar position to her (dad died when I was very young) I suspect she's grown up like me very aware of her mother's mortality, far more so than her contemporaries. Her mother needs to understand this.

Mine had her will out desk in her spare room for months, until I asked her to put it in a drawer. It's all well and good making sure people know where it is, but it was horrendous being faced with it every time I went into that room.

Your friend needs to apologise to her daughter.

OnionKnight Sun 15-Oct-17 15:09:35

It was a 20 minute procedure yet the friend wrote an 'in an event of my death letter?

I can see why her daughter is upset.

ReallyNotHappy76 Sun 15-Oct-17 15:09:52

It was GA. Neither of them have thankfully had to experience anything more than an x ray before now so when told 2 hours including the procedure taking 20 minutes itself they believed the nurse.

I will stick up for my friend here, she was frightened at the prospect of GA so no, she wasn't being dramatic at least not on purpose. Just trying to prepare should that be necessary

Feministcheeseplate Sun 15-Oct-17 15:11:01

I'm "on about" thinking an adult can handle a letter from an alive person. Presumably she was "traumatized" because she was already aware that with any procedure there are some risks. Her mother simply admitted there was a risk and left her some likely valuable information.

I mean are we not allowed to make wills now either?

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