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To be pissed about Inheritance

(100 Posts)
TheMotherOfAllBeeches Sun 15-Oct-17 09:22:25

My Mum and Dad have been divorced for 18 years.
They were only married for 15 years.
My mother has now been married to her current husband for 9 years but together with him for 16 years.

My parents are still friends and I have recently found out from my mother that in their divorce agreement, she gets everything when my dad dies.
(My Dad is 15 years older than her so this is likely)

I am very low contact with my mother because she is an emotionally abusive and controlling woman and she is very grabby when it comes to money. (she was like that with her brother and his wife when both my grandparents died)

My dad is very old fashioned (he is 80) and will not discuss finances / his will etc.

AIBU to think my mother is being insanely grabby to get everything my dad (who still works!) has made for himself when they were together such a short time relatively and he’s worked hard for his comfort and life and then she grabs it all & leaves my brother and I with nothing!

Because I am low contact and tbh probably going NC soon, I know that she will write me out of her will too.

I also think she will TRY not to let us have a say in the funeral and packing up his belongings when in fact we are his next of kin.

I’m considering contesting the will when my dad dies, is that unreasonable?

Crispsheets Sun 15-Oct-17 09:25:43

If your dad wants to leave all his money to his ex wife, he can.
I would be asking yourself why your dad isn't leaving anything to your brother and yourself. And the irony of your mother being grabby wink

bumpertobumper Sun 15-Oct-17 09:28:49

Does your dad know about how bad your relationship with your mother is? Although he won't discuss his will, could you talk to him about your plan to go nc with your mum, and why, and mention that you expect her to disinherit you...
He might be a support for you in this process, and might give him enough food for thought to adjust his own will?

Graceflorrick Sun 15-Oct-17 09:29:27

That is unbelievable. Why wouldn’t he leave it to you and your brother?

TheMotherOfAllBeeches Sun 15-Oct-17 09:33:34

I honestly wouldn’t care if he left everyone 1p but I’m upset that he’s leaving money to his ex wife not his children.

Anything he would have left me would have been put in savings for my DC when they are adults for house deposits.

He does know how bad things are between me and my mother but he still thinks things can be fixed (they cant).

MadForlt Sun 15-Oct-17 09:34:42

If I was your dad I'd be giving away everything now. Sod the ex-wife getting it all!

I know that doesn't help, but I'm not sure anything else could be done if it's in the divorce agreement.

Although it seems like an odd clause. What if he'd married someone else.

bingbongnoise Sun 15-Oct-17 09:35:06

It does seem weird that he wants to leave it all to his ex wife who he has not been with for 18 years. Maybe he still has a flame burning for her?

Wills do funny things to people. I mean, all I am getting from YOUR posts is that you want your dad's money. Personally, I would be devastated at my dad's death, and wouldn't give a shit about any 'inheritance' but that's just me. confused

I have known people die and the first thing some people do - even their children - is ask what they have got in the will.

As has been said, your dad can leave his money to whomever he wishes.

Maybe ASK him why he is leaving it to her??? I mean it is odd to not include your own children, but some people do. As I said, maybe he still has a flame burning for her. I have known people split, and several decades later, the feelings are still there (for one of them anyway!)

LucieLucie Sun 15-Oct-17 09:39:36

I have recently found out from my mother that in their divorce agreement, she gets everything when my dad dies.

I would think it highly unlikely that your father in the last 18 years hasn’t changed his will to reflect the fact he is now divorced.

Given the fact you learned this information from your mother, I’d take it with a pinch of salt and remember how you described her... *she is an emotionally abusive and controlling woman*

Don’t let her believe you are in the slightest bit interested, you’d be playing straight into her hands.

If your father had remarried you probably wouldn’t have inherited anything anyway.
If he won’t discuss it with you there’s nothing you can do, expect nothing and anything that comes is a bonus.

bonfireheart Sun 15-Oct-17 09:39:48

I wouldn't leave anything to you either. He's worked hard and it's his to do what he will. As you don't talk to her you don't know how good their friendship is. Let them be. His money. Your DC, your responsibility to provide for them stop relying on others.
Go NC with your mum and when she doesn't include you in your will you can go all grabby again.

mintbiscuit Sun 15-Oct-17 09:39:52

Are you in England? Only reason I ask is that under Scots law I think children are entitled to a third of the moveable estate (which is cash type assets, not property). So easier to contest.

Under English law I think it's a lot harder?

TheMotherOfAllBeeches Sun 15-Oct-17 09:40:23

I have asked him, he refuses to discuss his will, he’s never talked about money with me or my brother ever.

Of course I would be upset when my dad dies, this has only come up now because my mother decided to randomly tell me about it and I feel it’s a slap in the face from my dad to both me and my brother and both our children.

I don’t think he’s still got feelings like that for her, he ended the relationship because she was emotionally abusive so he knows what she’s like but still stands up for her against us because she pulls the poor old me crying crap and he falls for it.

HumphreyCobblers Sun 15-Oct-17 09:40:58

I think most people could manage to give a shit about their parents death AND care about unfair inheritances.

Only on MN do people take this very odd stance that in order to demonstrate an acceptable level of care and affection for a family member you should not also have any opinion on a clearly unfair inheritance. It is like morality top trumps 'see, I am above such mercenary considerations'.

Lexieblue Sun 15-Oct-17 09:43:08

Personally I wouldn't contest a will, It's what your dad wants. My dad left everything to his girlfriend when he died and I would have taken her side if anyone had tried to contest it. But she did let me have a lot of his personal effects which are far more precious to me than money. Not that there was anyone as I'm an only child smile

Almahart Sun 15-Oct-17 09:46:04

Mumsnet is funny about inheritances. I'd be pissed off too OP IF it's true. Given that it was your mum who told you not your dad it may not be

abitoflight Sun 15-Oct-17 09:57:27

I think that contesting a will is a very expensive thing. If you contest and lose ( which I think you would) you would have to pay all the other sides cpurt costs
It can cost tens of thousands
Also not just any solicitor does it - they tend to be more specialist solicitor afaik
Someone more qualified may be along soon though and if I’m wrong, apologies in advance but this is from looking into it in some depth at one point
I think that English law in recent years reflects that if you have been supported through your life by a parent and expectation of inheritance is reasonable then the court may award you money despite the will but your situation doesn’t sound like this tbh

GrumpyOldBag Sun 15-Oct-17 10:00:44

In order for your Dad to leave everything to your Mum he would need to have made a new will after his divorce.

Because divorce invalidates an existing will.

Are you sure he has done that? Your Mum may not know everything.

(Disclaimer: not a lawyer)

RidingWindhorses Sun 15-Oct-17 10:03:09

People have the right to do with their money what they like. If he wants to leave his ex his money, that's up to him.

You can get cross about it, but there's nothing you can do about.

itssunnybehindtheclouds Sun 15-Oct-17 10:03:24

If your dad hasn't told you this and only your mother had, I would be wondering if it's true. I'm sorry you're in this position.

TheMotherOfAllBeeches Sun 15-Oct-17 10:03:44

He could surprise me. I hope he does.
I hate that he supports her in any way when he knows she’s abusive.

Thanks for all your replies!

LastNightMyWifeHooveredMyHead Sun 15-Oct-17 10:05:28

Your father will need to leave a very considerable sum for it to be worth contesting the will, OP - it's an expensive, lengthy process, and is likely to end in you owing legal fees if he doesn't, as it will eat up an estate and more. It's pretty unlikely that your father would still be leaving everything to your mother - it's much more likely, if she's as you say, she's trying to stir up trouble in some way.

Izzabellasasperella Sun 15-Oct-17 10:07:28

I can understand why you feel hurt. What does your brother think? Perhaps the two of you could try and have a conversation with him. Tell him what your mother has said and ask if that is what he wishes to do with his estate. If he confirms that it is I'm afraid you will have to come to terms with it.

Hellywelly10 Sun 15-Oct-17 10:09:29

Tell you dad what you're mum said?

CakesRUs Sun 15-Oct-17 10:14:00

Yanbu. I liked the analogy of mumsnet top trumps, so true. I have no idea why he would do that and it's the intent, rather than the sum of money, that's hurtful. She's using this to try and hurt you. I'd say "dad, it's up to you what you do with your money but why her? She's using this to try and be hurt me". At the end of the day, though, he can leave it to who he wishes, it's the "who" he's chosen that is the problem, if I'm reading this right.

Goldmandra Sun 15-Oct-17 10:14:08

Perhaps you and your brother could write a letter to him.

You can tell him that you understand that he can leave his money to whomever he wishes but that he needs to understand that it will mean that it never comes to his children or grandchildren. If there is a master plan that this will bring a reconciliation, it won't work and the pain of his passing will just be worse for you and your brother.

If he doesn't respond by changing anything, you can then assume that it was never his intention for you to receive the money in the first place.

LonelyOversharer Sun 15-Oct-17 10:14:30

Can you just say to your dad, "I know you won't discuss it with me, but mum has told me categorically that she is the only beneficiary of your will, and that when she inherits she'll disinherit me and dbro. I thought you should know she's gloating about it before you're even dead." And tell him this is the final nail in the coffin (ha) of your relationship with her, forever.

Thus, if it is true, he can change it as he sees fit.

If she's just shit stirring (sounds like her style) then he knows how awful she is being to you, and might stop going on about how you can fix the relationship.

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