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AIBU?

To not want to move to the other side of the country

57 replies

FleurDelacourr · 14/10/2017 21:59

I am probably being very unreasonable and selfish, and am completely prepared to be told I am so. DH has been offered his dream job starting in the middle of January. It's a perfect job for him, he was head hunted for it and it means a very significant pay increase. My issue is its 300 miles away, and my due date is in the middle of December. We also have two DDs aged 11 and 4.

I don't want to move for loads of reasons, mainly having a tiny baby when moving or being very heavily pregnant, but also that DD1 has only just managed to settle into her current school, and I don't know how well she'd do moving schools again. I don't know if I'd be able to get a job there, and I currently earn more than DH, and my wages now are still more than his salary at the new job. We also live very near my parents, and they look after DDs a lot.

DH likes his current job, but finds it unfulfilling, but is okay with not moving if I really don't want to.

The reason I feel so selfish is because we lived abroad for 8 years so that I could do my dream job. DH hated it the entire time, and it got to the point that it was either we moved back to the UK or he left, which is my we're here. I feel like I owe it to him to move for his dream job, especially since it's not nearly so far away, and is only a 2 year contract. We'll also be much closer to his parents, but still 1.5 hours away.

I'm being really selfish aren't I?

OP posts:

Report

Heratnumber7 · 14/10/2017 22:14

Can he take the job but not move the family?
Especially as it’s only a 2 year contract.
Lots of people live away for work 3 or 4 nights a week. It’s doable with a bit of working from home.

FleurDelacourr · 14/10/2017 22:22

Not really. The job means he would have to work 9-6 monday-friday with no flexibility, and its a 6 hour drive each way, so even if he did, he'd be tired all the time and we'd barely get to see him anyway.

OP posts:

bluebells1 · 14/10/2017 22:25

Yes, you are being selfish.

Xmasbaby11 · 14/10/2017 22:25

Yanbu. The move wouldn't benefit the whole family really. It's definitely not good for you. If he's been headhunted is there a chance he will be again?

foodiefil · 14/10/2017 22:26

Don't be hard on yourself - it's ok to want something or not want something. If you move it will take a while to get used to the new place. I think you should give it a go, you can only regret something you haven't done. If he really wants this then give it a go. Always look at the positives of where you're going. I moved for someone and it took a year to appreciate it and longer to like it - I'm happy now, we have a life here but I still think about where I'd rather live. We might move again for me in the future. You can always move back, you can't always go back in time and accept a dream job you didn't take ...

SandSnakeofDorne · 14/10/2017 22:27

You already earn more than him and you'll continue to earn more than him. And you'll be very heavily pregnant around the time you move. And it's a temporary contract! You're not being selfish at all, this would not be a good move for your family as a unit.

Xmasbaby11 · 14/10/2017 22:27

Do you like the part of the country where the job is?

I'd be sad to leave family behind - 300 miles is quite a distance when you are used to seeing them often.

I'd also not want to move for 2 years as it's not very long - as soon as you got settled you'd be planning the next move.

Heratnumber7 · 14/10/2017 22:36

Are you in uk?
300 miles is a long way in the uk!

FleurDelacourr · 14/10/2017 22:39

Yes, we're in the UK. The move would be from Scotland to the south of England.

OP posts:

Ttbb · 14/10/2017 22:42

You seem to have massively failed to consider your children here-if the pay increase is significant just imagine the kind of education/extra curriculars that money could buy.

Svalberg · 14/10/2017 22:55

So would you retain your job OP or would the joint family income more than halve? And what happens when the 2 years are up?

WishingOnABar · 14/10/2017 23:00

Is it an option for him to take a small flat near his job and commute home at weekends? Its not ideal obviously but neither is uprooting the entire family for what you have advised is a 2 year contract. I only suggest it as I know two families who did this and it seems to work for them

Allthewaves · 14/10/2017 23:01

I'd get him to rent a room near job and come home at weekends to start with - get train fri night and head back late Sunday. He may hate it.

Allthewaves · 14/10/2017 23:02

No way would I uproot everyone for contract job

Butterymuffin · 14/10/2017 23:04

It'll cost a lot more to live in southern England so factor that in. I would stay put with the kids and get him to ask for a four day week, one day working from home. Sure, they say there's no flexibility but if he says in that case he'll turn it down, and they really want him, they'll compromise.

scaryteacher · 14/10/2017 23:04

Does it have to be a drive home - what about flights? Could you cope with seeing each other every fortnight? We weekended for 4 years on the trot (dh HM Forces), and then after two years of being based near our home, it was a foreign posting, which meant we saw each other every six weeks for two years; as I didn't want to give up my teaching post, nor uproot ds, as it was supposed to be 3 years abroad. It morphed into 9 years for him, and I moved when it was evident it would be longer.

Weekending is doable, and although not ideal, you do get used to it, and yes, I have done the whole giving birth and coping with a tiny baby as dh was at sea when ds was born.

SooFlora · 14/10/2017 23:06

With the ages of your children they could move and still form strong relationships at their new schools, but they'd need positive reinforcement from you & your DH, your positive support.

Can you do that?

Can you still retain your career if you go ahead?

It's not an easy decision but it's doable IF you can be completely on board with it.

Where from to where generally? (no postcode required) there are some stunning places in the South as in the North... is there anywhere in a 50 mile radius of DH's new workplace that attracts you?

You have to be happy, as does he, and the children... (and yes, I acknowledge his sacrifice for your career but do not see it as a debt)

CrabappleCake · 14/10/2017 23:09

I'm in a similar position but without the kids. I've said I'm not moving and we'll just have to make the weekending work. I wouldn't earn anything like I'm on if I move and there's no guarantee the job is permanent. It just doesn't make sense and I don't think it makes sense for you.

FleurDelacourr · 14/10/2017 23:10

Ttbb The difference in living costs mean that even if I got a similar salaried job as I have now we'd still have roughly the same money left over a month, so not really.

I'd hopefully get a transfer within my company, but there might not a be a position for me. I'm looking into it just now.

OP posts:

JoJoSM2 · 14/10/2017 23:11

It doesn't seem to make a lot of sense with higher earnings, everyone settled and family close by in Scotland. I'd also be worried about it being just a two year contract.

However, if you fancy an adventure and reciprocating the favour, then maternity leave might be a good time to do it. You'll have the baby in tow but at least you'll be on maternity leave so no need to keep your current job just yet and see if you like it down south. Who knows, he might want to carry on after the 2 years and you might find a lovely new job too.

JoJoSM2 · 14/10/2017 23:16

quit your job not keep

Evelynismyspyname · 14/10/2017 23:17

Ttbb she hasn't massively failed to consider the children The family will be financially worse off if they move to the south east of England from Scotland (vastly more expensive for equivalent housing), dad's salary increases but will still be less than mum's current salary, and mum might not be able to find a new job in the new area at all. So in fact they'll potentially be living on under half their current income in a much more expensive area.

Pros and cons list with DH and decide together, but it looks as if cons seriously outweigh pros. It certainly isn't in your eldest child's interest - tbh I wouldn't move an 11 year old half way through year 7 unless the main wage earner had lost their job and could only find a new one on a comparable wage by moving.

Once you have a child over about 7 you only make a big move if it's seriously in the best interests of the whole family - moving if it includes moving away from a school you're settled at and a good friendship group etc is hard on older children.

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Joinourclub · 14/10/2017 23:17

The pros of moving don't seem to match the pros of staying imo. You shouldn't feel guilty that you moved abroad for your dream job. You moved back because that's what your dp wanted.

Jb291 · 14/10/2017 23:26

YANBU. You are settled in a decently paid permanent job with very small children one of whom is just settling into her new school and with a new baby on the way. The circumstances might look different if your partners new job was permanent and well paid enough to compensate for you leaving your current post. A 2 year contract job in the south of England is not worth uprooting your family for.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 14/10/2017 23:31

Disregarding the previous move, the pro and con list doesn’t add up to a move being beneficial for all of you.

In a perfect world it would be nice, but to be brutally honest I don’t think it’s worth it.

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