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Listening to parents talking today I feel despair at the thought of a more compassionate future

(22 Posts)
Typpical Sat 14-Oct-17 19:45:41

simply that, attended a party today and all children in class were invited. A little girl (6yrs) didn't attend. Conversation among the parents turned to this child. She has been apparently saying some unkind things to some of the other children in class - normally in terms of pushing them away when they invite her to play, refusing to talk to them or shouting - I sat back amazed as I heard words such as 'bitchy', spiteful, hateful, nasty, etc used to describe a six year old child. The child has had a very traumatic few years (well known among the parents), I tried to point this out and suggest her behaviour was worrying and concerning, but perhaps needed empathy and kindness, and we were best to encourage the children to be kind and leaving to the school to deal with it. Nope - all the parents were in agreement that they told their children to not play with her and used language such as horrid and awful to describe the girl in front of the children. I asked my son about her on the way home, he said he thought she was 'mad-sad' (reference from the Home film) and he sometimes just sat with her, as if she didn't want to talk, they would just colour pictures. He also said lots of the other children were unkind to her now. If we can't encourage compassion in our children, I really do despair at the world. Whole day has left me really annoyed and upset. I know I was sitting with the particularly cliche parents (not by choice!) and certainly hope not all the parents in the class are thinking like that!

YouTheCat Sat 14-Oct-17 19:49:47

How awful and sad for that little girl. At least your ds is kind to her.

Allthewaves Sat 14-Oct-17 19:52:06

It happens year after year. Iv seen it in two of my children's classes. I hate the use of nasty terms to describe kids and parents are very quick to jump on the bandwagon even when there's a reason/explanation for child's behaviour.

Allthewaves Sat 14-Oct-17 19:53:31

Don't get me started on the bitchiness of some school mums towards other mums at the school

MamaLeen Sat 14-Oct-17 19:53:54

This I just awful from adults.
At Least you know you are bring up a lovely compassionate and caring little boy.
Well done to you and your little boy flowers

permatiredmum Sat 14-Oct-17 20:05:19

well six year olds are more than capable of being nasty and spiteful! It sounds as though most of the children have been on the receiving end of her nasty tongue 'She has been apparently saying some unkind things to some of the other children in class'
She may be having a rough time herself but that dos not mean she can push and be mean to other kids! They have a right not to be abused too!

Grumpyteens Sat 14-Oct-17 20:16:01

OP I completely get this and have been in this situation very recently. I actually feel disgusted with myself because I feel When the parent that started this off first started with my own child I should have dealt with it better and shut her up then, but I was so shocked and humiliated I just walked away and cried in the car.

Same woman is still busy spreading vile rumours around about children who failed to get into such and such prestigious school (Indy), X child who has been suspended from one school and is now at another, all the while clapping her hands with glee and laughing (this . Awful woman! I don’t know why adults behave in this way. I wish I could call her out on it or get an opportunity to do so.

I can understand wanting to protect your own child from being hurt but ganging up together to persecuting a child as young six is just shockingly cruel behaviour.

Miscella Sat 14-Oct-17 20:18:20

Permatired - the child is six years old and has been through a difficult time, she is likely acting out her emotions.

You actually sound just like the parents the op is describing. Have some compassion and understanding.

stella23 Sat 14-Oct-17 20:31:20

For the little girls sake you need to go into the school and speak to the teacher

waddleandtoddle Sat 14-Oct-17 20:56:53

Something must happen when children turn 6! I've had a similar-ish thing start happening to my son - but in an odd way I can't understand.

A couple of the children are really boisterous and he's got over excited and joined in with some bad behaviour, and the school didn't tell me because they weren't concerned - he'd responded to punishment, wasn't the instigator and overall he is a good child and doing great academically. But the parent of the 'naughtiest' child has gone round telling all the mums it was my DS's fault! And has really dragged his name through the mud - mum is in one of those cliques like has been mentioned above!

Now the party invites are drying up and my DS is coming home saying such and such has been told not to play with him. At 5/6?!?! My son hasn't quite noticed yet, but I am so worried and very very upset.

It is so frustrating because parents can't see what is happening on the playground. That at 6 they could be absolutely destroying a child's confidence. That at 6 children should be left to learn how to form their own friendships, without horrible input from gossiping parents.

I really wish parents would be more compassionate too! I really feel for the girl discussed and I hope that come next term everyone has moved on before it impacts the girl too much. If you can approach the teacher, please do as they really are the ones that can work to ensure the other children don't actually exclude the girl.

stella23 Sat 14-Oct-17 21:06:47

She has been apparently saying some unkind things to some of the other children in class apparently is the key word. They weren't there. And 6 year olds tend to leave stuff out

strawberrypenguin Sat 14-Oct-17 21:14:05

I do see what you are saying and the little girl in question clearly needs some support. I wouldn’t use words like ‘bitchy’ about a 6 year old but I do tell my 6 year old to stay away from the children who are unkind to him. Surely as a parent that’s what we do - we give our children coping strategies and staying away from someone who isn’t nice to you is one of those. I certainly wouldn’t hang out with someone at work who was horrible to me so why should my 6 yo?

Cookingongas Sat 14-Oct-17 22:38:23

I’m on the fence. I was in the receiving end of this when dd was 2 (2!) and at school pick up time, picking up her elder brother, she would play with another little girl who also waited for a sibling. The other little girl was 4. Twice, two days in a row, my dd was selfish, refusing to play and refusing to share her toy. I reprimanded her. The third day the other girls father stopped his daughter coming over announcing to all the parents “ Don’t play with her! She’s a selfish little bully!!!” Basically branding dd as an awful child to all the other parents in a small school where that reputation will carry forward. He’s continued this hatred for the proceeding 5 years- repeating over and again that dd is a bully and when challenged exampling her behaviour 5 years ago! No adult should label children this way. It’s so very easy for labels to stick and for children to act out a self fulfilling prophecy that the people around them writ sad

But on the other hand- there is a girl in my elders class who, I’m sorry, but she is horrible. I’ve tried. I’ve had her over for tea, invited her to parties, encouraged friendship and inclusion. But she is (and her mother - which is clearly the cause) just not a nice person.

So here I am with this pointless post and splinters in my arse

Ttbb Sat 14-Oct-17 22:47:33

Surely the real issue is how involved these parents are? When I was at school I don't think that my parents didn't even who half of the children in my class were. I only know the names of three children from my son's class (no idea what they look like or how they behave asides from that they play with him often). That's just a really weird mentality to expose your children to.

Fightthebear Sat 14-Oct-17 22:56:03

Cooking smile

permatiredmum Sat 14-Oct-17 23:03:49

Permatired - the child is six years old and has been through a difficult time, she is likely acting out her emotions.

So the other kids have to be her verbal and physical punching bag?

permatiredmum Sat 14-Oct-17 23:05:43

I would not call her 'bitchy' but I sure as heck would not invite her to my child's party, if she had been mean to everyone!

AlbertoFrog Sat 14-Oct-17 23:25:01

It's a very difficult one. I have a 6 year old in mainstream school who is waiting to be assessed due to emotional and behavioural issues. I understand why some children don't wish to play with him as he can be quite physical although it's more hugging and squeezing than hitting ifsyim but I find other parents very judgemental.

I see other kids punch and kick and get away with it yet my ds puts one step wrong and it gets mentioned. Also other kids are quick to blame him for things he couldn't possibly have done as he's either been off sick or on holiday (seriously)

And no it's not a case of pfb. I'm the first to react when ds is out of order and other people have noticed the unfairness of the situation too.

We've tried everything and thankfully ds's head is very supportive but it's heartbreaking.

WhatwouldAryado Sat 14-Oct-17 23:30:49

Partial alarmist response.
A lot of parents and teachers use the "just stay away from them then" when a child is complaining that they don't like how someone spoke to them/ looked at them.
But then a lot of parents are majorly overinvested and try to micromanage their child's friendships which is very sad.

HelenaDove Sat 14-Oct-17 23:46:27

I dont have DC but the bus stop near my flat is directly opposite a school.

One day a few years back i over heard two parents moaning and being quite vicious about a special needs child. They were talking about the time the child took up in lessons and how it wasnt fair etc. Their whole attitude stunk.

Typpical Sun 15-Oct-17 10:28:42

I do tell my son to walk away from unkind behaviours as I feel this is his best way of telling the person that he finds their behaviour unacceptable, but I also make sure he is very clear this doesn't define the whole person, and showing kindness to someone who has been unkind is often the best way to move forwards. And I encourage him to be kind in all situations. These are six year old children, I feel what we teach them about they behave around others is unbelievably important. Its not saying they should be a 'physical or verbal punching bag', its encouraging them to learn empathy, understanding and kindness. This child is clearly struggling, and there are clear reasons for this, what she needs is love, kindness and support, not condemnation from a bunch of adults who should know better!

RebelRogue Sun 15-Oct-17 10:51:46

Have you ever seen the light go out of a kids eyes because x made fun of her “rubbish and crap” homemade costume for a whole day?
Have you had to pick up your child in tears because x told her she’s not allowed with her friends ?
Have you had a child afraid to play with their new toy on a day out because x didn’t get one so she told the child she couldn’t play with hers?
Have you have your kid come home with scratches on their face from x?
X uses childish threats if “you’re not coming to my party anymore,I’ll never invite you to my house again etc. For some children that can be really hurtful though.

These are all different children. X does not get invited at parties much anymore,because the kids don’t want her there.

I’ll admit that sometimes there can be extenuating circumstances for the behaviour which doesn’t necessarily excuse it,but it explains it and sometimes shows it’s not malicious.

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