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AIBU to call social services?

(36 Posts)
FuckedUpPanda Sat 14-Oct-17 13:21:00

Name changed as outing. Sister confided in me that her doctor has reported her family to social services, they're outwardly very affluent and professional but I guess something she's said to her doctor has worried them. She say's she plans to tell social services the doctor misunderstood what she was saying and it's paranoia not events that have already occurred, but I really hope they don't let it be brushed aside as her partner is a very angry man, scares me, makes her fearful, their children are yelled at frequently for no reason at all, children are called names and sworn at, it feels like bullying. I've seen hints that suggest there may be violent behavior although no proof (very rough with the kids, hard smacking etc which makes me wonder if he's worse behind closed doors). WIBU to call social services and ask them not to listen when she says he's not a problem, she tries hard to protect him and save face, but I feel like those children deserve a lot better. I'm scared this will be traced back to me and I'll ruin our relationship and nothing will be done anyway, but I'm scared if I don't try those children will grow up in that environment.

sparklyllama Sat 14-Oct-17 13:33:21

You WNBU to phone children's services, tho I would imagine that they would check up anyway. Very easy to say 'oh my doctor misunderstood'. Those poor kids.

FuckedUpPanda Sat 14-Oct-17 13:35:10

How would they check up? He has an excellent veneer in public

sparklyllama Sat 14-Oct-17 13:41:22

Hmm, valid point, how old are the children, I wonder if they would speak to them alone? Although from what you say I imagine they would be terrified to speak up. Do they have close neighbours that may have overheard anything?

Bluesandrose Sat 14-Oct-17 13:45:05

How old are dcs?

SlackerMum1 Sat 14-Oct-17 13:45:38

Not at all - if the GP is intending to call social services then they must have identified a safeguarding risk. That might be something she said but could equally be something they saw (e.g an injury) and asked about. All you simply need to do is follow up and say you understand that the GP has made a referral and you want to add your own concerns to that and simply say what you've seen. Social services should take it from there and assess further. You can also stress that you don't want your involvement mentioned to the family as under the circumstances you're worried about maintaining a relationship with sister and the kids. Don't worry about how he appears in public - ok not all social workers are good but competent ones won't take his word at face value especially if the referral came via a healthcare professional. It wouldn't be the first time they come across someone who seems charming or whatever on the surface....

PurpleTango Sat 14-Oct-17 13:48:08

You have a choice here
A. You help to protect the children
B. You co-erce with your sister to protect a violent bully.

It's a no brainer really

FenceSitter01 Sat 14-Oct-17 13:50:39

You realised SS are there to help and support?

MamaLeen Sat 14-Oct-17 13:51:38

Social services is a confidential service.
They cannot disclose who has called to anyone.
As for what they do I am not sure but I a sure the checks would be okay. But I fear it may be brushed off as a misunderstanding.
Only you know the full situation and if you feel the children could be at risk or even emotionally suffering you wnbu.

YouMeanNothing Sat 14-Oct-17 14:05:25

They probably deal with manipulative people every day and are likely to see through your sister and not go away just because she tried to convince them the doctor is mistaken

WhooooAmI24601 Sat 14-Oct-17 14:09:02

Phone them and protect those children. Your relationship with your sister is nowhere near as important as keeping children safe and it sounds like she might be doing a questionable job of it.

There's a bit of an attitude that certain 'types' of family are able to escape under SS radar because they're affluent or well-educated or well-spoken and it's time society called out those families.

fabulous01 Sat 14-Oct-17 14:09:15

I would tell her not to worry. My work colleague is having a horrible time with her ex for abuse and they have done zilch to protect her children.
But.... if there is more to it she needs to do something to sort it

Runningissimple Sat 14-Oct-17 14:11:26

If you really feel the children are in danger, you should report.

A word of caution though: work on the basis that your sister will find this out and she will feel very betrayed, especially if she doesn't know you feel this way. These things have a way of coming out ime

I wonder if it might be better for you, your sister and your sister's kids if you could convince her to accept help from social services and support her with protecting her children. Could you maybe have a difficult but supportive conversation with her?

Horrible situation for all of you flowers

DillyDilly Sat 14-Oct-17 14:11:32

Hard smacking (or indeed any smacking) IS violent behaviour.

FuckedUpPanda Sat 14-Oct-17 14:46:57

I do realise SS are there to help, which is why I would call them, to get her help, potentially get him some help in how to parent without yelling, insulting or hitting, she doesn't see that his behaviour is damaging because as far as she's concerned any man who doesn't beat his partner is being a good dad. She doesn't believe in emotional abuse only physical. She knows I think he is a bad dad and partner, I've tried talking to her about it many times over the last few months, she would still feel very betrayed if I 'went against' her and reported him.

I agree on the smacking but I know many will defend their right to hit their kids to their last breath.

Madbum Sat 14-Oct-17 14:50:23

Sorry to be blunt but why haven’t you made the call already?! You’ve effectively stood by and watched your young nieces and nephews be physically abused by their father and done nothing.
You say she’s protecting him but so are you.

Madbum Sat 14-Oct-17 14:54:16

Fuck your relationship with her, it’s the childrens well being you need to be concerned about, she’s letting him do it and you’re letting her let him do it.
Thank fuck for the GP at least one adult involved is doing the right thing.

Maudlinmaud Sat 14-Oct-17 15:02:25

A really tragic incident happened in Ireland just over a year ago. The father in question was well respected within his community but was an altogether different character behind closed doors. Please please talk to yur sister and try and get her to open up to you. Explain your concerns about the children and tell her you don't judge her.

Tedster77 Sat 14-Oct-17 15:08:31

You could be describing my dad. Please call them.

No one ever called about my dad because he was so powerful and controlling and even if they had I'm sure he would have wriggled out of it but as an adult it still hurts nobody even tried to save us.

Severide08 Sat 14-Oct-17 15:13:33

My take on it she may well be family. But here is the thing we have to do safeguarding as part of my job and that is abuse. Yelling ,insulting and smacking well it is emotional,phycological and physical abuse. You can't underestimate the damage it will be doing to those children. If your sister won't listen please do the right thing and report your concerns. For their GP to report it they must have real ,genuine concerns for their welfare think that says it all really. I reported a woman years ago for hitting her child regularly it wasn't a one off ,I could hear the child screaming for her to stop,she lost custody to her own mother, so please don't turn a blind eye .Children are not able to stop it themselves we have have a duty of care to report any abuse we suspect .

yorkshapudding Sat 14-Oct-17 15:48:15

She doesn't believe in emotional abuse only physical

He IS physically abusive though. You said yourself he hits the children.

MrsSthe3rd Sat 14-Oct-17 15:53:28

Maybe your Sister is already getting support from her GP, but something they heard was cause for a helpful referral, rather than it being a negative thing.

Please ask your Sister not to say different things to Social Services as the GP will have it on file and it'll look like she's hiding something.

MrsSthe3rd Sat 14-Oct-17 15:54:29


TooManyPaws Sat 14-Oct-17 16:16:51

No, please contact social services. I used to wish that I was hit rather than called all the names under the sun as it would be over quicker; it's totally screwed up my life and these children are suffering both. Someone needs to stand up for them. I work tangentially with social care and they won't just accept your sister's story. However, another concerned adult will help get the family assistance. And, yes, they can get her parenting tuition and help.

MamaLeen Sat 14-Oct-17 17:56:31

She wouldn't know you "Went against her" as you said. It is totally confidential. She will think it is the doctor still so actually it give you a scapegoat if anything.
And also it's not going against her. It's helping her to protect her children.

Think of the children and do what is best for their safety and mental well being.

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