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To find it so hard to see mum.

(43 Posts)
Twoo Sat 14-Oct-17 07:38:59

Back story. Abusive childhood. Always wanted to please parents, but never able to. I remember wanting their love, still do now. I KNOW I won't ever get it.

Always had difficult relationship with parents and sibling. Father died a couple of years ago and more recently my sibling died. Sibling was carer for mum.

Que I start doing what I can. I'm disabled myself and struggle to support mum. I know our relationship isn't healthy. She's angry her child has died and not me. I realise this could be part if her grieving process and for children to die, even adult ones before a parent is not the natural order of events.

Mum refuses to allow outside agencies to help her, won't pay for taxis (doesn't drive and can't use public transport) even though she gets motability payments.

I've tried to encourage her to speak with support agencies and counselling services but she isn't interested.

I really understand she is grieving her child but she is getting increasingly demanding. For example ringing me that she's run out of bread (when she'd previously told me she had plenty In the freezer). She isn't happy with me just taking her a loaf, she wants to go out for the morning or afternoon. This means a round trip of about45-50 miles. She offers me £4.00 - £5.00 towards petrol. But doesn't expect me to take it. I shop on-line but mum won't entertain that. She won't even let me do it for her and take it to her.

She tries to guilt trip me into taking her to see her grandchild who lives in another town. This is a round trip of about 90 miles. I keep telling her I can't afford the fuel or have the energy to do that. The mother of the child has no interest in facilitating contact but isn't against someone else doing the running about.

I'm not working and not on any income or benefits and totally reliant on my partner.

I know I'm rambling but I'm in utter turmoil. There are so many issues.

1) no positive relationship with mum (never has been, she used to tell me I should have been aborted) who recoils when I go to hug or kiss her, or if I accidently brush against her.

2) no energy or stamina to do much practically due to my own health issues.

3) mum won't accept outside help, shop online, access support etc.

4) the absolute distress I feel because I want to want to help her more and feel so guilty and shameful that I don't want to. I feel physically ill for days before I see her. I know that's not healthy.

I do ring mum each day and check she is ok and take her shopping weekly (I do my own online).

How can I feel better about it all?

cupofchai Sat 14-Oct-17 07:42:04

Write a letter or print this off (what you've written to us) and tell her you can't do it anymore and she needs to look after herself before she destroys you too.

Personally I would inform the relevant agencies myself and then go NC

cupofchai Sat 14-Oct-17 07:42:22

I meant to say send her it

Mittens1969 Sat 14-Oct-17 07:56:21

What a horrible situation! This definitely isn’t healthy and needs to stop. I agree that you should inform the relevant agencies and go NC. And send her a letter telling her that. Block her number and don’t go to see her again.

I’m so sorry you’ve had this, OP. flowers

Twoo Sat 14-Oct-17 07:57:27

Thank you cupofchai . I had forgotten but when dad died mum had an assessment by ss. She accepted the free 6 week support package, but then declined when she had to pay. She does have money,but won't spend it. I think it's her security blanket.

Mittens1969 Sat 14-Oct-17 08:00:32

She probably will accept it if you’re not around to help her, she won’t have a choice but to do that. But you should leave her to it for your own sake, she won’t change, sorry.

Twoo Sat 14-Oct-17 08:02:04

Thank you mittens' . Over my life course I've accessed counselling myself. Each time the counsellor advised no contact. I know it's the healthy thing to do but feel I can't abandon mum. How can I stop feeling so guilty? Especially when we have just lost my sibling, her child.

cupofchai Sat 14-Oct-17 08:02:49

You can't lose your life/yourself to this woman. She's not your mother. Biologically yes but that counts for nothing.

It's her actions towards you that count.

Seriously you need to try build a level of self love to walk away from her. You wrote this and it's a first step.

Hope you can do it. You deserve so much better and she doesn't frankly deserve a daughter like you flowers

CheeseCakeSunflowers Sat 14-Oct-17 08:09:12

I think it's a weird time for anyone when you reach the stage where the roles reverse and the parents become the needy ones and the children become the carers. I found it difficult and I had a good childhood so I appreciate that it must be so much harder for you. I think in some ways you need to treat your dm as you would a difficult child. Tell her what you are prepared to do, offer to find help with other things and if she refuses make it clear that is her decision and she has to deal with the consequences.

Twoo Sat 14-Oct-17 08:09:15

Your last response made me cry cup' You are right, I know you are.

thesandwich Sat 14-Oct-17 08:13:33

Two, this sounds so awful and other posters are right. She will not change and she is of sound mind as it were- and you must protect yourself. Her choices.
And yes she is grieving as are you. Counselling now might help you make this shift. But otherwise you will be destroyed.

Twoo Sat 14-Oct-17 08:17:49

Thank you cheesecake

QuiteLikely5 Sat 14-Oct-17 08:18:57

You need to be courageous and stand up to this woman.

Do not do the drives to facilitate contact.

Do not pander to her she does not deserve it.

Tell her you need to set up an online shop for her.

Stop ringing her everyday.

If you continue as you are you are enabling her to be this way.

JWrecks Sat 14-Oct-17 08:36:07

You would not be unreasonable to write her off completely, or at least until (if/when) she comes to her senses, realises and admits she's treated you awfully, and changes. Yes, everyone deals with grief differently, but she chose to be hurtful, and grief is not an excuse for cruelty.

You do NOT owe her everything you've got, everything you are, and she has no right to demand it.

I'm very very sorry that you're going through all this, love. flowers I'm sorry I don't have more to offer.

BlueSuffragette Sat 14-Oct-17 08:40:58

She will continue to treat you this way until you stop allowing her to. You need to set new rules and stick to them. She needs help from outside agencies so you can get on with your life. Don t let her guilt trip you anymore. She doesn't deserve your love and most definitely not controlling your future. You owe her nothing. Do the minimum, if you feel you must do something to maintain some contact but get on and build a good life for yourself and DP. You deserve to be happy and she does not facilitate this at all.

olympicsrock Sat 14-Oct-17 08:46:36

. Her wishes to go out shopping don’t trump your news for health and to avoid poverty.
Two choices
1. Tell her on what terms you are able to help. Eg I will bring you some bread but no we can’t go on a round trip shopping or I will order on line shop. A like it or lump approach.
She will give you grief but it sounds like nothing is good enough anyway. This may bbe right for you if you feel you need to do your duty. (You don’t by the way).

2. Go NC

OnTheRise Sat 14-Oct-17 08:49:57

She's refusing the help she's entitled to in order to manipulate and abuse you. This has nothing to do with her grieving for her lost child, and everything to do with her being unpleasant to you.

Set boundaries, and enforce them.

Tell her you can't take her shopping, as she can easily do that online for herself. Tell her to use her Motability payments for travel, like she's meant to. Tell her you can't take her to see her grandchild. If she refuses to listen, remind her you've said you can't take her shopping, etc., and the subject is not up for discussion. Don't get drawn into justifying your decisions. If she still tries to talk to you about it, end the conversation.

Stop phoning her every day. Once a week is enough. Tell her you'll speak to her every Sunday evening, for example, and if she calls at any other time say, "Sorry, I can't talk right now, but I'm looking forward to our Sunday chat." And hang up. And don't answer subsequent calls.

You can't live your life being bullied by this woman. You really can't. You owe it to yourself to sort this out, so you can have a nicer life; and it'll be good for her to have some boundaries imposed on her, too. It's helpful, not unkind, to do it. She might not see it that way, of course, but that doesn't mean it's not true.

Bananmanfan Sat 14-Oct-17 08:50:01

Do not help her anymore. Phone the customer service line of your mum's Local Authority and ask for a social worker to be allocated to her. The LA will still provide care even if she won't pay, she may get a CCJ and a charge on her property or deduction from benefits, but that's not your problem.

Charolais Sat 14-Oct-17 08:50:17

She sounds like my mother. My mother has plenty of money but has always been a miser, she became even worse as she got older. She refused to pay for help as well, and only had it when it was free for 6 weeks. I tried very hard to get her to buy food on-line but she refused. She even refused to get a taxi to see my dad when he was dying in hospital. “You can’t get a taxi everywhere”, she told me. All our relatives are now in their 80’s and don’t drive anymore.

If you can get power of attorney you could do what we had to do; use her money to pay for a carer and tell her it is a friend who wants to help her out for free.

I am also disabled. I don’t drive anymore and grocery shop only with assistance.

YellowFlower201 Sat 14-Oct-17 08:55:08

Charolais - that is terrible advice!! Power of attorney does not entitle you to use another persons funds like that. If you are doing this, please stop immediately and seek advice.

MyDobbygotgivenasock Sat 14-Oct-17 08:56:26

Two councillors who know much more detail than we do have said go NC, I and other posters say go NC on the précis described here.
You say it is complex, it isn't, it feels complicated to you because you can't yet see through your feelings but it is in fact very simple. You or her?
You feel guilty and that's natural but do you feel that there is any hope that you can prove yourself and she will do a swan song apology? Appreciate you? Be proud of you? Love you?
She won't.
You have no obligation to her, no debt to pay, you can't prove you have worth. Not to her.
You need to reclaim yourself from the past, you are valuable, worthy, kind and loved, people are proud of you and are enriched by being part of your life. She is not in that number though, that is not your fault. You don't have the mother you deserve, little you didn't have the mother she needed, it's still not your fault or your flaw, you have been failed, you didn't do the failing. Do you see her guilt for not caring for you? The guilt you're feeling now?

Why aren't you important enough to be free of abuse? There are no excuses for her behaviour, even deep grief, she makes a choice every time she treats you that way. She has made a choice every day since you were born. Haven't you seen enough? Now she is doing you the double disservice of choosing to treat you so badly while utilising you like a tool and exploiting your need for her validation to get taken around the shops, do you see how callous that is? I mean can you really sit and imagine doing that to anyone? So coldly manipulating such hurts?
There is much to be said for doing things just out of a sense of personal integrity instead of reciprocity but the time to draw the line is when it is beyond what you are reasonably able to give. You will never give her enough, you will half kill yourself and cripple your finances, sour your relationships and it will never be enough. Then you get left with nothing because they take and take and take until you've lost everything they begrudge you and they give nothing you want or need in return.
You deserve better than that and you are the only person who can give that gift to yourself. Guilt is an easier price to pay than the alternative and hopefully you will one day believe that your guilt is misplaced because what drives those feelings of guilt is something not in your power to change.
I'm sorry about your griefs, I hope that you can do what's right for you and find peace and happiness.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 14-Oct-17 09:00:52

You need to detach from her. Why would she pay for care when you will do it for free? She does not care about the burden she places on you.

Twoo Sat 14-Oct-17 09:01:34

Charolais you are my twin. It was the same when dad was in hospital. Mum would not get taxis so me or my sibling had to transport. It was exhausting. Dad was taken to hospital in an emergency and did not have any toiletries or slippers or anything. Mum would not buy anything. Then when I bought the things he needed, mum started hinting about some item of clothing she'd like!

It's comforting in a way to know you kind of understand my situation.

Twoo Sat 14-Oct-17 09:07:24

Thank you MyDobby'. Your words are so right and true. I know I need to at least redraw the boundaries and stop allowing mum to manipulate and bully me.

Butterymuffin Sat 14-Oct-17 09:08:20

Tell her you will be shopping online for her from now on, as it is much more efficient, and if she doesn't accept that then no shopping will be delivered at all, so it's up to her.

Your mum is a particularly extreme case of awful behaviour - but it's not that uncommon for elderly people to refuse care/official help because they don't want to think of themselves that way, as being dependent, but then effectively forcing their kids to do it all which may put them under a lot of strain. It's a selfish choice. You can and should refuse to just do it all in the way she demands.

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