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AIBU?

To still love my dad after this?

104 replies

Beenconned · 13/10/2017 22:09

My lovely and wonderful sister (biologically half sister, we have the same mum but different dads, although I've never thought of her as 'just' a half sister), has had a pretty hard upbringing. She was brought up from age of 5 with my mum (who is lovely) and my dad who bullied and destroyed her basically. My sister is 12 years older than me, and although I'm in my 30s and she's in her 40s, I've only recently found out / realised about the abuse she suffered.

I feel so guilty but I genuinely wasn't aware of it growing up. My dad was / is amazing to me, but was by all accounts utterly horrific to my wonderful sister.

I love her, but I also love my dad. He has been an incredible support my entire life, above and beyond what a dad would do perhaps. But I must have been the lucky one. What the hell gives. I want to support my sister as she's going through hell trying to come to terms with it all (plus other trauma in her life). But I also love my dad.

I guess I'm bu?

OP posts:

Report

DJBaggySmalls · 13/10/2017 22:16

You cant turn your feelings on and off like a tap. But you do need to decide if you want to support your sister or not. Half measures can feel like a stab in the back.

annielouise · 13/10/2017 22:23

I would think less of him, personally. He was horrible to a young girl. From what you say he went out of his way to favour you at her cost. Not nice. I couldn't think of him as a nice person.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/10/2017 22:25

I think as time passes and you learn more you won't love him so much OP . Sad but true .

BlueSapp · 13/10/2017 22:28

He might be a wonderful dad to his actual child but the fact that he couldn’t treat another mans child with love and respect screams to me absolute shit

Beenconned · 13/10/2017 22:30

I do think less of him. Definitely. It makes me feel sick to hear about how he treated her. She was an innocent child. She told me he put his fist to her face and said 'I hate you'. Made her sit on towels so as not to make the furniture dirty.

It's fucking awful. But he was great to me. Such a contrast. It's hard to believe, but I do believe my sister. 100%. Not sure how to deal with it all now.

OP posts:

Beenconned · 13/10/2017 22:32

I sound like an utter cunt. I'm with my sister on this. Completely. I'm just struggling to get my head around it. He's a well loved and respected man, he's been a great dad to me and my brother. Now I find out he's an abusive cunt. Hard to deal with.

OP posts:

Sunnydaysrock · 13/10/2017 22:33

You need to support your sister. She will be there for you in old age when your dad is no longer around. He's not the man you thought he was. This is what you have to come to terms with.

Sunnydaysrock · 13/10/2017 22:34

Sounds like you would benefit from professional help talking to somebody about this. I hope your sister is too x

Aderyn17 · 13/10/2017 22:35

You can love someone but sometimes you have to make a choice not to have a relationship with them because doing so will hurt their victim. The victim is the one who deserves to be put first.
Continuing to see your dad now that you know, sends the message to your sister that she isn't important and she has heard that too much in her life already.
What was your mother doing when all this was going on?

It's shit but you need to get your head around the fact that neither of your parents are lovely and be loyal to your sister, who deserves it!

TealStar · 13/10/2017 22:35

Gosh he sounds like a sociopath. Your poor dsis

BlueSuffragette · 13/10/2017 22:37

Have you discussed this with your mum? Was she aware of the abuse of your sister?
He sounds an immature cowardly shit to me. Hurting and frightening a young innocent child, not the actions of a real man, more a pathetic bully. Does your sister have anything to do with him now? Perhaps she should confront him now she is older and has the support of family who believe her. I'd lose all respect for him. The dad you knew was not the whole person. Sorry.

Pumperthepumper · 13/10/2017 22:38

I think you need to speak to a professional, that seems like an incredibly complicated thing to come to terms with by yourself. I'm sorry for you and your sister, it sounds very tough.

Aderyn17 · 13/10/2017 22:38

I sound cold in that post. Sorry. I know it is a total headfuck for you x

ShiftyLookingBadger · 13/10/2017 22:38

I really feel for you, what a horrible situation and completely agree that you should perhaps see a professional about how to cope with this news. Also agree with those who say your sis needs your backing here

HipToBeSquare · 13/10/2017 22:38

Your poor dsis. He sounds like a total fucking arsehole and I'd struggle to think he was as wonderful as you do.

bastardkitty · 13/10/2017 22:39

Your dad is a cunt. His behaviour is intended to make your sister feel like absolute shite and to make you feel loved and cherished. It is easy to lap up being the golden child but his disgusting behaviour is fair on neither of you. You can't help your feelings and it's okay to love him. But he hurt your sister terribly and his choices have damaged your relationship with your sister very badly.

BlueSapp · 13/10/2017 22:39

This is texted book, nice to the outside world, horribly abussive behind closed doors. What I would be asking myself is did my mother know? He’s lost all respect and if she knew then wow.......

GummyGoddess · 13/10/2017 22:40

What was your mum doing while this was happening, or was she unaware? My mum allowed her ex husband to treat me and my sibling horribly differently to our half siblings (who I love as much as my "full" sibling) and never has given a reason why.

Beenconned · 13/10/2017 22:41

My sister is having counselling, for the last 3 years. She's dealing with a compulsive cheat of an ex, plus all the traumas of her earlier life. She's getting there, slowly but surely. I know she's reaching out to me, and I want to be there for her. I really do. My dad is involved in my every day life. My mum is depressed, they broke up 20 years ago and she's had a nervous breakdown since, plus just dealing with a lot of other stuff. I guess she knew what was going on, but I'm not sure. It's not clear. She's the loveliest woman anyone could meet. But if that's the case, how could you allow the man you're married to to treat your daughter that way.

OP posts:

Beenconned · 13/10/2017 22:41

She said he threatened her that she'd never see me and my brother again if she left him. I do believe her for that.

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bastardkitty · 13/10/2017 22:45

I think his actions have been very damaging to you too. He has trapped you into being complicit with him. He has given you a very difficult dilemma - he's so loving to you but the price of your relationship with your dad is hurt to your sister. Have you ever tried stepping back from your dad a bit? Not falling out, just stepping back and trying to see him with a bit more perspective?

Beenconned · 13/10/2017 22:47

My sister is 45 and is a broken woman. That's ultimately due to my dad. Your upbringing sets you up for your path in life often. I've had a good life, not only a golden child but a golden person. I've worked hard, don't get me wrong, but everything works out for me. Not now though, I've got an abusive dad. That's hard to live with

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throatmanship · 13/10/2017 22:49

Textbook golden child and scapegoat scenario. I was also a scapegoat, my brother the golden child. My father still treats me like shit and my brother can do no wrong even now and we are in our 40's. Actually, he doesn't treat me like shit as I have nothing to do with him. I have lost all respect for my brother too but am in contact. You will end up having to chose between your sister and your father. It sickens me to see my brother still hanging around my fathers ass even though he's totally aware he's treated me badly. Like I say, I'm rapidly losing respect for my brother.

Beenconned · 13/10/2017 22:50

I fell into a bad life because of him - - prostitution to finance him. But I came out the other side, now a successful business woman. I have 2 wonderful children, he's a doting grandad. He has a great partner who knows none of this. But it's not about me.

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just5morepeas · 13/10/2017 22:52

I think this is a common thing for abusers to do, they'll target one person almost as a way of justifying it to themself. Sort of "It's not me, I'm a nice person - look how I treat everyone else. It's their fault, they make me like this."

And I've heard multiple, multiple, stories of families having a favourite sibling and one who gets the blame for everything - I just can't understand it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to still love your Dad, but he's not the man you thought you knew. He just isn't. For the sake of your sister I think you need to distance yourself from him - at least until you've had chance to work through your feelings a bit.

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