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To think we aren't "cutting" anyone out

(59 Posts)
2ndSopranos Fri 13-Oct-17 21:02:36

MIL is upset with us atm. She decided to do a birthday buffet this weekend for Dd1 (aged 10) at her house. We have plans tomorrow - made month ago and can't be changed as it's an event - and Sunday is dd's party with friends.

MIL didn't actually check we were free and we're a little hmm that she'd arrange a birthday tea for the sake of 4 yo dn who lives with her: this was the exact reason she arranged it - so dn would feel included.

This is a dig at us not inviting dn to dd's age-restricted party activity (she'll be invited to dd2's in 3 weeks...). We're so busy: both work full time, both dds do multiple activities, I like to see my parents occasionally too (my df is nearly 90). We see MIL every couple of weeks and dh phones every other night.

She's begged dh not to cut her out "like we've cut out FIL". We haven't cut out FIL. They've been divorced years, he never phones, emails, visits (and stops us from doing so) and has been awful to me from the second we left. He has said horrible things about our dc and went as far as suggesting the fact the dds have different coloured eyes meant I must have had an affair. As far as we're concerned he's cut himself off.

AIBU to think we haven't actually done anything wrong here?

OlennasWimple Fri 13-Oct-17 21:04:47

No, doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong at all

SpikeGilesSandwich Fri 13-Oct-17 21:32:47

Let her be upset. She didn't check with you, you are busy, end of story. If she's chosen to put herself out, that's her problem, don't let her make you feel guilty for doing nothing wrong.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 13-Oct-17 21:36:27

She went to some considerable trouble to make this trouble. She must get something out of it.

reallybadidea Fri 13-Oct-17 21:39:05

Your DH phones her every other night? Seriously?! Good lord shock

ohfourfoxache Fri 13-Oct-17 21:39:21

Completely ignore it. The more attention you give her tantrum the worse it will get.

Unfortunately in some people the tantrumming toddler phase continues into adulthood

bluebells1 Fri 13-Oct-17 21:42:47

YANBU OP. reallybadidea it IS his mum. I think it is sweet and shows that the man cares. I am assuming that you never ring up your parents?

2ndSopranos Fri 13-Oct-17 22:00:37

I speak to my dad daily! I don't find that odd: he's elderly and I adore him. I have no issue with dh talking to his mum every other day, none whatsoever.

reallybadidea Fri 13-Oct-17 22:04:35

I haven't spoken to my parents in almost a month actually (I have text them a few times). I think in the normal run of things a phonecall every other day is a bit odd tbh.

reallybadidea Fri 13-Oct-17 22:05:39

Great! If it works for you it's none of my business (would drive me crazy though but our parents are fairly young still)

Marnie182 Fri 13-Oct-17 22:27:19

She's being unreasonable, arranging a birthday buffet without even checking you are free?! Who does that, she sounds nuts.
Ignore and have a lovely day.
YANBU

arethereanyleftatall Fri 13-Oct-17 22:33:40

Yanbu.
It's so difficult with parents, they have shit loads of time, we have barely any, and they can't understand that.
My Dm often says on Thursday 'oh we're coming for the weekend', then gets put out when I respond, 'well that's lovely but dd1 and I are out sat morning, and we're all out sat night, and Sunday there's 3 parties for the girls'.
Just at totally different stages of life and it's difficult to marry the two.

BurberryBlue Fri 13-Oct-17 22:34:31

It may be you are reading too much into this,perhaps your MIL just wanted to do something nice for DD1.When you say she had a tantrum was she shouting or being nasty?If so that’s really not on.

SaucyJack Fri 13-Oct-17 22:38:31

No, you haven't done anything wrong.

Sounds like she was trying to do a nice thing tho. Just one of those things.

rcat Fri 13-Oct-17 23:13:07

So nice of your MIL to arrange a birthday buffet for DD1.Yes I think it’s ungrateful on your part.My MIL is completely self absorbed and would never put herself out for anyone.Your MIL might have gone about things the wrong way but her heart is in the right place.

ThatsNotAKnifeThatsASpoon Fri 13-Oct-17 23:18:14

Why did you exclude your niece/nephew from the birthday celebrations? It's clear to me your MIL is not causing trouble for you in her role as Granny, rather she is acting in loco parentis on behalf of her DN and is looking out for them... I think it's poor form to leave them out even if they are invited to your other child's birthday in a few weeks... There is obviously back story as to why your MIL has your DN...

CheshireChat Fri 13-Oct-17 23:24:38

There's a big gap between 10 and 4 and the activities may genuinely be unsuitable for little one. I'm not sure I'd be willing to make my child compromise on their birthday treat just so that a younger relative can attend, but I'd try and include them in other ways. The little birthday breakfast idea is nice and sweet, but it's best to check the birthday girl can actually attend...

rcat Fri 13-Oct-17 23:25:00

Totally agree,I don’t think there’s anything wrong with dn celebrating Dd1 birthday and MIL offering to put on a buffet seems a lovely suggestion.I wish my MIL cared so much about my ds!

Usernom1234567890 Fri 13-Oct-17 23:26:20

Thatsnotaknife
Are you for real?🤔
Locoparentesis..........what utter nonsense!!

Usernom1234567890 Fri 13-Oct-17 23:27:11

Loco-parentis even ....

CheshireChat Fri 13-Oct-17 23:28:48

Is the 4 year old routinely excluded?

Also is your MIL a bit overtly protective of your niece due to circumstances?

Your FIL sounds nasty (to be polite) so even if you had chosen to cut him off it's not similar.

Though after a massive argument with my PIL when I said they're no longer welcome anywhere near me/ my child, my mum felt a little insecure we'd do the same to her. She's planning on moving in soon so she must've gotten over it wink.

Usernom1234567890 Fri 13-Oct-17 23:31:21

@rcat
The MIL didn't offer to host a party, she decided to host it without a dialogue with OP.

BackforGood Fri 13-Oct-17 23:31:31

YANBU, of course.
No need for dramatics, just state the obvious - calmly, and on a repeat loop if she needs it - that you would love to come for tea if she wants you to, but obviously you need to mutually agree the time in advance, she can't expect you to be free without checking.

RavingRoo Fri 13-Oct-17 23:32:21

Ok so if your dn isn’t coming to DD1’s birthday, are you keeping DD2 at home too? If not then she’s probably right to stick up for the grandaughter living with her, if her own aunt doesn’t think she’s close enough to make an exception. She probably just wants the neice living with her to be treated like family by you, or at least shown a bit of consideration.

BurberryBlue Fri 13-Oct-17 23:33:52

I feel sorry for MIL,she clearly wants to do something for Dd1 and I think ThatsnotaKnife you are right in saying there’s backstory.It’s unusual for a family member to talking about being ‘cut out’ and unless MIL is raging and stomping I’m finding it hard to believe a grown woman is throwing a tantrum.

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