To feel bitter towards DB & parents over inheritance.(227 Posts)
So my DM was left an inheritance by an aunt of £150,000. My parents are both 65+ and have always lived in rented accommodation. They wanted to purchase a flat. The did not have enough to buy a 2 bed flat in our area even with their savings added. They could have afforded a one bed flat, but I was told "but where would your brother live?
My DB is 45, still lives at home. He has no SN or medical issues (apart from being a lazy git). He never lifts a finger to help around the house. When my father was ill, he didn't help in any way or form. All his previous jobs have been as a result of myself or DM getting him interviews at places we already worked. He was made redundant a few years ago and couldn't be bothered to look for work, therefore he didn't sign on and lived off his savings for 2 years. He eventually got a job after my DM found him one where she works.
As my parents could not get a mortgage they signed all the money over to DB. He took out the mortgage and a loan for the £70,000 remaining on the house. He thinks he'll have paid it off in 5 years.
My Great aunts will stated all the inheritance was to go to DM. However if she outlived her it was to be split equally between me & my brother. I can't help but think if she knew DM was going to do this she would have named me separately for a small sum. I have 2 children under 10 she adored and she often talked of helping us out when she'd gone. .
I am glad DM is still around to receive it. I know it is her money to do as she wishes. But I‘m hurt that she didn't think it necessary to give any future provision for me. We still have a mortgage we'll be paying off for the next 20 years. None of the plans were discussed with me, I was just told that's what they were doing. When I asked if they were planning to gift anything to me or the children so we could put it towards a holiday etc, I was told there was none spare. Yet my father bought a brand new car when there was nothing wrong with the old one. Oh and finally when I queried the fact DB would profit greatly whilst I wouldn't I was told "well you've had free childcare as I've looked after your kids when you've gone to work, Your brother's got no kids (yet) so yours will get the flat eventually".
So hit me MN‘s, AIBU to be bitter that my DB will have a flat worth £270,000+ and I won't receive a single penny.
You'll get lots of replies telling you no one is entitled to an inheritance etc, but I do see why you'd feel resentful. Look at the positives though - you have at least had some childcare (how long / what did this amount to?) which is more than many people get. Plus presumably your brother will be taking charge of any care your parents need in future years..
Smile and wait OP.
I'd tell your parents now that they need to plan for their golden years carefully.
Tell them straight that 100% of their care and needs is on your brother.
They can't be that stupid. They know what a useless flake he is.
I bet reality hits them when they realise you won't be cleaning up everyone's mess.
You'll be told here you are not entitled to it (true) but I agree it's harsh.
My husband is in a similar position. His parents used up the whole of the nil rate band on gifts (houses, cars, vanity degrees, private education) for his brothers and sister - none of whom ever had proper jobs. His sister has one grown up daughter - we have 2 kids - brothers both childless. By the time they had both died there was barely anything left and what was left was taxed at 40% and divided between the siblings- it might be enough for a nice holiday. luckily H and i have good jobs and have managed to buy our own house and cars and we're proud of our independence. It does seem unfair though that 2 out of 3 of their grandchildren effectively got nothing! We don't even think that childless brother will have anything left when he dies as now the magic money tap is switched off he is already securing loans against his house to maintain the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed.
But there's nothing H can do so we try not to think about it. As he says "Those that can look after themselves look after themselves, and those that can't, get looked after!"
Childcare now, My youngest is 6. DM collects them from school 3 times a fortnight. And does the odd evening babysitting if we go out. Up to age 2.5 yrs old when they started nursery she had them 2.5 days a week. They live less than 10mins walk from the school & us. My DM was already working part-time when I had my children so my hours fitted around hers meaning she did not lose out money-wise by looking after the grandchildren. I never assumed she would look after them and she offered to do it.
I am trying to be pragmatic about it, My mother & brother don't drive. I will need to help out. I'm not going to go NC over it. DM adores her only DC (but not to the extent of a monetary gift) . I don't want to fall out with them. But, it was eating up at me so I told them my feelings about it, they still don't see my point of view.
You don't have to go no contact at all.
Just state that personal care, transportation etc will fall to your brother.
You can still have a loving relationship with them. Just without the responsibility.
I totally get it OP. While it is your DM's money now, it has to grate that your feckless brother gets most of the benefit. Parents can be remarkably insensitive about these things.
I can see why you'd be hurt OP.
I also think it's unfair of your DM to bring up childcare that she offered to do and, as you say she loves her GC, presumably gets a lot out of herself.
It's an excuse they've shoehorned into the situation so they can tell themselves that they're being 'fair'. I've no doubt they probably do believe this. I see it a lot with my DH's parents....they'll tie themselves in mental knots convincing themselves what they do is fair.
It makes me upset on his behalf but I don't say anything as it's not my place and wouldn't do any good anyway!
When your DB tells your parents to move out of his flat they will realise the error they have made.
No. You DON'T help out.
Brand new car? Should have put some of it towards driving lessons for DB instead eh?
Oh no problem, if he'll have paid off his flat in 5 years then that will leave him well off enough to afford lessons and a nice runaround.
They've shown you where their (misplaced) loyalties lie. Don't help out in future - not to be bitter, but because if you do you will really start to feel resentful I think.
I don't know. They've bought a flat for themselves in the only way they could.
The proof of the pudding will be what happens over the next few years. As a previous poster said, what happens if your db finally decides he wants to live by himself? What happens when your parents become less independent (which could be a long way off)? And, of course, what happens if they die - will db release some equity to you as part of a 'deferred inheritance'?
In the short term, though, I can see that it made sense to them, solving a lot of issues. In their mind, you dh will make things equal at some future date - so that problem is kicked into the long grass. In the short term, it was the only way they could buy a flat.
Childcare is a substantial gift - even if it worked both ways and was unasked for. It might help your relationship if you focus very hard on how helpful that was.
That said, in your shoes, I'd be a bit hurt. And it doesn't do great things for sibling harmony.
In the interests of your own future happiness, will it help to try and forget it so that it doesn't poison your relationship with your family? Or does it really just emphasise problems that were already there?
There's no guaruntee your kids will "get the flat eventually" as your brother might still have DC of his own or even just gamble it all away!
YANBU at all OP.
My SIL has always lived at home and my DH feels resentful at times. She has a massive amount saved becuase she just mooches off FIL. Pays no bills, yet works...he buys all the food etc.
Still. People do what they do...no point in feeling bitter.
I’m in a similar situation OP. DP’s have left everything to DB and 2 DGCs. Because I don’t have kids, I’ve been told that I don’t need any inheritance since I’ve got a decent career and savings whereas DB pisses money up the wall but still wants private education for his DCs. So the money is theirs. Hey ho.
Actually, to be clear: despite all the 'Well, you can look at it from this point of view' in my last post ...
... I'd actually be really, really hurt if this happened to me.
I don't think it's fair not to tell you that.
I do sympathise however I doubt anything will change. Please try not to be bitter .
Very sorry for your situation.
I wouldn't avoid helping your DM & DF as when they pass you will regret it.
You’re not being unreasonable in the slightest. Very, very hurtful thing to do.
I think it's a huge amount of money to be effectively giving one over the other.
But I do think your mum is correct to mention the amount of childcare she's given you. This was equally as much help to you as the property will be to your brother.
I'm sure your mum did provide the childcare because she loved your DC. But it would have saved you a huge amount of money. It's a particular bugbear of mine that money is valued so much over practical help.
I'd be pissed off too. Your parents should have insisted your db gets a will and sets aside the 70k (or whatever figure they think) goes to you/your dc. I can understand why they did it I.e. To be able to buy a home but they could have found a way to protect the money. They may not like it but maybe you should show them this thread. I'm very frank with my dad when it comes to family fairness and it's helped resolve issues before they've escalated and become a family rift!
My Great aunts will stated all the inheritance was to go to DM. However if she outlived her it was to be split equally between me & my brother
How odd, have you spoken to solicitor about this aspect of it? It seems odd that the intention for you and your db to have equal shares has been over ridden....
How did your db get a mortgage with no job?
This is the problem with Wills though. People seem to rely on humans doing the decent thing when time and time anad time again they dont.
Well, it’s her money, she wanted to continue living with her husband and son as she’s done for 45 years. It seems to have been the only way to achieve that so she did it. Your father has a brand new car so no need to give them lifts.
I can see that you’d be jealous as the treatment for your brother and you has been so different. However, it’s not your money and feeling bitter won’t do you any good so move on.
I also think its very stupid of them to put everything into DB name, My own dp put alot into DB name in a different way and after they died he shat on them, didnt forfill or do anything.
Its put them into a very precarious position.
I would be hurt too in your circumstances, but having said that if your DPs have done a lot of childcare, then you've had significant savings from not having to pay for that. Also your DF is perfectly entitled to buy a new car if he so wishes.
You're brother is hopeless. I'm sure that your parents are more worried about him and are of the view that you can sort yourself out.
I don't know what it is with feckless middle-aged men who sponge off their parents or why the 'helpless baby boy' seems to get preferential treatment over an independent daughter who has established her own family and lives responsibly.
It happens all the time. and the more these people are given, the more they feel they are owed.
Yes, it's your money to do with as she pleases, but I can understand why you feel hurt and that it isn't fair. I can see how she has used the situation to her advantage so that there is now property ownership, but I'd advise her and DF to ensure that their claim to that property is legally established. The property is in his name! With him actually living there, he will also have certain rights over the property that you will not (at the time your parents are no longer around)
Presumably that property would be the inheritance they leave to you both if they do, indeed, consider you as equals.
I agree with PPs who have said that you must make it clear that as he is the one that benefits greatly, he is the one who will be looking after them in their dotage. Explain to them that you don't want to fall out about it but that they have made their point clear, so now you are making your point clear.
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