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AIBU to resent being shamed by weird tight " friend "

(263 Posts)
Mill46 Fri 13-Oct-17 08:36:24

Back story - very old Uni friend and I get together every 3 months or so . We both very lucky and have worked hard . We have good jobs and earn what would be considered by most to be a very decent salary . We meet and have dinner somewhere that's not expensive . It's always nice to see her and I enjoy her company .
She has a complicated domestic life as compared to my rather boring one.
She contacted me to say she was going to be in town so we organised to meet .
I booked a fixed price menu at a reasonable restaurant and was staggered when she texted me to say did I mind meeting just for a drink as she's not got a lot of money at the moment .
I rarely go out for many reasons and seeing that this has been planned for so long I can't see why she couldn't have "saved " the 30 quid or so that it would cost .
AIBU that i think she's shaming me and being pasive aggressive as there is no way that she can't afford it ? I know mumsnet folks will say , if she's you friend see her anyway ( which I'm happy to do ) but I feel there is more to this . She could have simply cancelled , said she only had time for a quick drink - anything .
What do I do ? Cancel , meet her and feel bad that she's got no money and buy her diner , or have a drink and f* off home ?

KoalaD Fri 13-Oct-17 08:37:36

What?? How is she 'shaming' you? confused

loveinanelevator Fri 13-Oct-17 08:37:39

Is it not possible that she is just a bit short of money but would still like to see you and catch up?

AccrualIntentions Fri 13-Oct-17 08:38:14

How is this shaming you in any way? hmm

Kelsoooo Fri 13-Oct-17 08:38:18

How on earth has she "shamed" you?

DH and I have a comfortable income between us, and there are some weeks I couldn't afford "£30 or whatever" on top of my other obligations (be that bills, holidays etc)

You sound pretty horrible and it's nothing to do with being able to afford your meal.

WaxyBean Fri 13-Oct-17 08:39:53

I personally think she's being sensible and brace to admit she can't afford. Much better to do that than to pay for a meal which means she will struggle and have to do without.

StereophonicallyChallenged Fri 13-Oct-17 08:40:17

Yabu. She's been honest is all confused

Ameliablue Fri 13-Oct-17 08:40:43

You don't sound like much of a friend.

toolonglurking Fri 13-Oct-17 08:40:46

I'm pretty sure is got nothing to do with you, and she's not 'shaming' you. Perhaps her circumstances have changed? Perhaps she's bored of your chat and wants to cut it short? Perhaps she's not well?
Is everything else always about you?

Mill46 Fri 13-Oct-17 08:40:49

Yes predictable responses - if so why didn't she say so when we organised to me ? "Shamed "as there is something about me being entitled and her having nothing which Ian very far from the truth

MrsJayy Fri 13-Oct-17 08:40:52

How is that shaming you? she can't afford dinner and suggested a drink instead. I honestly don't get what you are on about.

Zoll Fri 13-Oct-17 08:41:09

It's probably better to take people at their word. This way, you respond to everyone in good faith. As a side bonus, passive aggressive behaviour is completely neutralised by taking people at their word and you have no need to feel resentful then. So it's a win all round.

foodiefil Fri 13-Oct-17 08:41:26

You're overthinking this - what more could there be behind it?

Oh I knowwwww she's trying to trick you into buying her dinner!!!! That conniving cow angry

Shoxfordian Fri 13-Oct-17 08:41:40

You don't know all of her financial commitments though; she could have debts to pay off or loans you don't know about

I think you're being a bit unkind really

loveinanelevator Fri 13-Oct-17 08:41:40

Is that a conversation you’ve had before?

StereophonicallyChallenged Fri 13-Oct-17 08:41:58

Also, weird and tight hmm

MrsJayy Fri 13-Oct-17 08:42:42

She still isn't shaming you are you always so defensive ?

Groovee Fri 13-Oct-17 08:43:57

How do you know she can afford it? It takes a lot to admit that you can’t afford something! She’s not shaming you. She’s trying to be honest and you aren’t being a great friend!

Is this a reverse?

ArchchancellorsHat Fri 13-Oct-17 08:44:00

Maybe she's had a big bill or something? I don't see how she's shaming you.

EmmaJR1 Fri 13-Oct-17 08:44:44

I think your question is slightly weird. If she's your friend and she's told you she's a bit short at the moment why don't you offer to treat her? (Since you're earning decent money and find it impossible that she can't afford £30 I guess you could stretch to 2 dinners?) If you really want to see her and catch up? If not a drink or 2 is fine as well...
you sound a little resentful - what aren't you explaining?

Witsender Fri 13-Oct-17 08:45:12

Ha, you do realise that not everything is about you?! Unless there is some massive backstory here, she sounds perfectly normal and reasonable you sound self obsessed and odd.

Do you not feel you deserve your salary? And feel everyone is questioning you?

Jinglebells99 Fri 13-Oct-17 08:45:33

Maybe she doesn't want to spend £30 on a fixed price menu, maybe she doesn't want to eat that much. £30 isn't particularly cheap anyway, lots of the chains like Strada do meal deals, like £5 pizza on Mondays or two mains for £10. Maybe she has money worries. I'd offer to go somewhere cheaper or just meet for a coffee/drink,

AccrualIntentions Fri 13-Oct-17 08:46:02

Maybe she's had some unexpected expense, like a boiler breaking? Maybe she just doesn't want to spend the money on a meal anymore? It still isn't "shaming" you, based on what you've recounted. The problem is in your head.

Mill46 Fri 13-Oct-17 08:46:18

Maybe -and thanks MN for coming in with sensible interpretations . perhaps she's been gambling ! It's nuanced . She - private schools , designer handbags , big house country . It's almost an affectation to say she got no money . Heh ho - it's a bit like saying I haven't got money to spend seeing you basically

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar Fri 13-Oct-17 08:46:47

She may just not want to spend the money having dinner with you...

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