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To stay together for 16 yr old.

(26 Posts)
boopsy Fri 13-Oct-17 07:39:24

Me ad dp having problems for ages which came to a head when he verbally abused me when drunk. He has been ok with me since but I cant forgive or give him money for more drink (i control finances and dont trust him enough to give him money in case he gets drunk again). He cant live with the fact he has no money of his own which is understandable yet i wont run the risk of another episode so willo not give him any....stalemate!!

He has the chance of a flat if he gets approved he is no moaning its my fault to the kids and i want him out which is true as i dont want to be with him anymore however i said he could stay till ds is 18. He doesnt want me calling all the shots which i can understand to be fair so says if i dont want him he will go......yet its still my fault he is going apparantly. The only thing which will make him stay is if i say we can give it another go. I dont want to but ds 16 is devastated and said he wont talk to either of us if his dad goes.

Dp is an arse and will be playing the victim probably crying all over the kids when they visit which will affect them badly. He wont pay maintenance as he works part time. I feel like im breaking up their family for my own selfish reasons when we seem to the kids to be getting on ok. Wibu to stick it out for ds?

ineedamoreadultieradult Fri 13-Oct-17 07:42:05

He works part time but you control the money and won't give him any. You do realise that is financial abuse?

boopsy Fri 13-Oct-17 07:47:06

Yes i realise that but dont trust him not to get drunk on the money and abuse me which is why i said move out then he has all his money to himself. Not giving him money is the only way i can stop another horrible episode in front of me and the children. I would love to be able to give him money I am exhausted having the bills and everything on my shoulders believe me. When ds was a baby he gambled our money away and the only condition of getting back together was me keeping finances which he agreed to. I did give him money but he kept getting drunk and coming in and starting with us all. I cant win.

LovelyPrep Fri 13-Oct-17 07:52:04

It sounds like you're sort of abusing each other.. very toxic. I don't think you should stay together. I don't see how the kids benefit from this relationship.

MessyBun247 Fri 13-Oct-17 07:54:49

No don't stick it out! It will do your kids more harm than good. You don't want them thinking this is normal behaviour in a relationship.

And your own happiness and wellbeing is not a 'selfish' reason to end it.

ziggiestardust Fri 13-Oct-17 07:56:30

Don't use the kids as a reason to stay together, my parents did that and it almost totally destroyed my relationship with my mother, and totally with my father.

Birdsgottafly Fri 13-Oct-17 07:58:41

Give him the money and see what happens, your children will see that you cannot be together. One episode will not damage them, forever.

You can't let your 16 year old dictate this.

As said it has become toxic and it will only spiral.

titchy Fri 13-Oct-17 08:00:59

No don't stay together. Your ds wants you to because its all he's ever known. Think about that for a second - all he's ever known is his parents in a mutually abusive relationship. That is his normal and an indicator of what his future relationships will be like.

Yes he'll be angry with you, and his father once he's seen him piss his wages up the wall a few times. But you'll be resetting his 'normal' which will be massively beneficial for his future.

boopsy Fri 13-Oct-17 08:08:14

Mutually abusive? I dont keep the money to have power over him i do it because he was drunk and abusive, he was out with money i had given him!

HappyAsASandboy Fri 13-Oct-17 08:14:36

He wasn't out with "money you'd given him", he was out with money he'd earned hmm

I can totally understand why you have taken control of the finances (you're scared of what happens when he has money), but it is not normal or healthy to control another adult like that. You are basically controlling him into more acceptable behaviour rather than letting him make his own choices and live with the consequences.

Please don't stay with him if you are going to keep controlling all the money. You are teaching your kids that if you don't like someone's behaviour it is ok to control and manipulate them into more acceptable behaviour. And that's not right.

boopsy Fri 13-Oct-17 08:27:49

That is why i dont want to stay with him. I WANT him to control his own money, i dont enjoy it and im sick of it, but i dont want to be around him when he has money if that makes sense? I dont like being called abusive though im just trying to protect my kids but i see what you are saying x

boopsy Fri 13-Oct-17 08:28:44

I actually want to cry now im so tired of trying to do the right thing but im an arsehole no matter what i try to do.

titchy Fri 13-Oct-17 08:34:06

Sometimes you have to be an arse if it means doing the right thing, which is to let him leave. Your relationship is hugely unhealthy and your ds will find himself in the same type of relationship if you continue it.

MrsJayy Fri 13-Oct-17 08:34:12

This relationship is awful you need to get out of it you are managing your husbands behaviour to protect the rest of the household, he doesn't need to stay another 2 years of you managing him . He can take the flat move out and you can all breathe.

titchy Fri 13-Oct-17 08:34:51

Your dh is an adult - and you are NOT responsible for his decisions. Remember that.

Viewofhedges Fri 13-Oct-17 08:43:29

My parents waited until I went to uni before they split up. They thought it was the right thing but for me is was awful - warring parents throughout a levels, then I left home and woosh , home vanished. I heartily recommend doing it sooner rather than later so your son can get used to the new normal before the rest of his life changes.

Pickleypickles Fri 13-Oct-17 09:19:58

I think if a man was withholding money from a woman for whatever reason he would be called abusive.
One incident of verbal abuse is not a reason to control his life forever more.
Not saying it wasnt a horrible experience, im sure it was, but there is so many other things you can do that is not abusive such as contact the police or not let him in if hes too drunk.

boopsy Thu 19-Oct-17 07:38:51

Me again!! People telling me i was financially abusive has given me the push I needed. He deserves access to his money but I just dont want to be there when he does. He is looking at a flat today, ironically he is moaning that he cant manage financially without me. He does not earn much and will just cover his expenses with nothing spare but has not been proactive at looking for more either which is frustrating. I have said i will help him out when i can but i am also looking for work. I feel bad the dcs are going to be hit financially but i cant just use dp for his money/convenience.

Ds is unhappy and will be upset when he goes, i honestly have had wobbles because the solution seems worse than the problem at times. I just keep thinking about Xmas and not dreading him wanting to go out and spoiling the rest of the time being grumpy and miserable. Trying hard not to but feeling a bit resentful to ds which makes me feel terrible. He was there when dp verbally abused me and said some awful things and heard us arguing over him saying things to a work colleague about her looking nice etc on facebook (very Jeremy Kyle lol). Ds also knows im unhappy and sit upstairs a lot to keep away from dp but he doesn't care as long as his world keeps turning.

Dp also playing the poor me song telling the kids i want him out and he wont have any spare money etc etc. He will not be homeless, he can pay his bills he just wont have any 'fun' money until he gets more hours. Neither will i though as a single parent. Im not asking him for any money for the kids either but still feel guilty. Have sat with him and worked out a budget with his incomings and outgoings but i guess its up to him.

Everyone he has told has said im being unreasonable as he wont manage but should i stay with someone who makes me miserable because he wont manage? Part of the reason i want him gone is that im sick of looking after hi, am i supposed to do that forever because he depends on me?

boopsy Thu 19-Oct-17 07:51:49

And it wasnt one incident, other times wern't as bad but he still chucked a table and wet the bed etc. For those saying mutually abusive i would wait up even if i was tired for him to come in so he didnt wake dcs. Would listen to his rants so he didnt wake ds up to rant/tell him he loved him etc etc. Agree with everything he was saying etc etc for a quiet life. Even when he called me names in front of them last time i didnt argue back just took it so it wouldnt escalate. The financial abuse thing, i should have chucked him out then but he told me to take control of the money, not give him any, he was terrible, never drinking again etc etc. I said ok we will do that as long as you are happy and wont go back on it.Less than 2 weeks later he wanted money to go out again and I was horrible even though me sorting finances was his idea!

fantasmasgoria1 Thu 19-Oct-17 08:20:47

I know what it’s like to live with someone who drinks too much and is abusive. I was the one to leave and was glad we are done. It’s not a nice environment to live in and it’s better he goes. He is being abusive IMO and trying to manipulate your feelings. You are in a catch 22 , you give him money he gets drunk and abusive or you don’t and you are told you are in the wrong so it’s better he goes. In six months you will see it’s the best.

boopsy Thu 19-Oct-17 08:32:01

Thank you Fanta, thats exactly how I feel cant do right for doing wrong! He doesn't get drunk all the time and is mostly annoying but even that stresses me out. Last time dd was tring to eat her tea and he was annoying her so she ended up having to eat in her room with me guarding the door so he couldnt bother her. Even when he goes to bed he lies there shouting and bawling about everything.The abuse is when he has been out for a long time but tbh one incident is enough and i dont want the kids to witness another one.

littlebird77 Thu 19-Oct-17 08:43:54

If you really feel the relationship has run its course and nothing else can be done on your part (treating his alcohol problem, getting him some support to fight the issues he clearly has) It might be that he can't take on more work because of his alcohol addiction. Most of his problems seem to stem with his relationship with alcohol and his lack of judgement he has when he has been drinking. Would you want to stay with him if he was able to give up drinking?

If you decide to ask him to leave, please do so on the friendliest of terms. Tell the DC you still care for him and will continue to look out for him, but you feel it is better for everyone that he lives in his own space. They will soon be adults, in just a few years, and this is a key time for them. I would also be concerned that they are watching his alcohol abuse and I would not want my dc exposed to that and influence their future behaviour. So I can see why you are concerned. Clearly they love their df so they may well dig in their heels, but as long as it stays amicable and calm I am sure they will get used to it in the longer term. You need to be quite decisive and do not allow it all to continue painfully and without resolution.

boopsy Thu 19-Oct-17 16:20:05

Thanks ds seems a bit better today although dp hasn't moved out yet. We have aid we are still a family unit but are trying it this way to see if it works better (dp living apart). Statistics all say kids are messed up forever by separation or divorce so hard to know whats best.

bigfatbumfreak Thu 19-Oct-17 16:24:34

Well, I can tell you from a child’s point of view......get the hell out. Seperate your finances, do your best to co parent. My parents did not split up until i was late teens, i used to pray for them to split. Whatever trauma the split might cause, its nothing like living in an atmosphere like that.

Time to end this shipwreck. Xx

boopsy Thu 19-Oct-17 16:58:31

Thank you I wish my kids had that attitude! Its what it will do to them that kills me although 12 yr dd isnt really bothered as shes closer to me its my son who will feel it more x

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